January 31, 2026 10:35 PM (a minute ago) fluffy A Seattle-based programmer/musician who makes games, comics, and bad decisions. they/them or it/its (if you’re nice about it)

• mental health
• ramble
• isolation
• housing
• economy

I worry about where things are and how I’ll be affected by it. I feel like the dominoes are starting to fall.

The entire world of “tech” has been broken for ages, and now it’s falling apart. The narrative about Amazon laying off so many people because their jobs can be replaced by AI is just a smokescreen; in reality, the software industry has been super high on its own farts for way too long and the end result of unsustainable infinite growth is just finally coming to pass.

Personally I’m also super tired. I keep looking to see what sorts of jobs I can do and I just can’t do any of them. I can barely take care of myself throughout the day, and I’ve had little to no energy for making music aside from doing 2-3 shows in VRChat a month, and that kinda wipes me out. I have a few musical projects I’m kinda-sorta working on but not really able to put as much attention and care into them that I’d like.

I also feel like my actual housing/living situation isn’t where I need to be. I miss living in a city and where things are walkable and transit-accessible, but I need my recording studio and sonic isolation. I wish I had the funds to just like. Build a house that’s designed the way I want it to be. I’ve been making do with this house but there’s so many problems with it.

I’ve been having a very short fuse with a lot of things lately. Especially my cats. Tyler’s developed some bad behavioral problems, and Fiona is refusing to eat dry food anymore but is constantly begging to be fed. And technology keeps on failing around me and I get so very frustrated by stuff just not working right.

I also hate how isolated I am. Fortunately, choir is starting back up this week and that at least gives me a reason to actually see people in person for a change and have people to talk to. VRChat doesn’t really do it for me anymore, and in daily life I only ever even go outside to go to the grocery store and everything’s self-service these days and it’s like there’s just dozens of people who are alone together but never actually communicating. Pretty much the only time I ever have to even talk to anyone is to pick up a prescription and that’s not exactly a basis for conversation.

I’ve been kind of spending a lot of time playing Animal Crossing again, which feels like a symptom. Also spending way too much of my day “watching” YouTube, although at least I’m getting better about listening to music instead, which at least feels better.

I’m also still feeling the loss of a couple of previously-important online communities due to personality conflicts that just didn’t feel worth resolving. I don’t think those communities were particularly good for me but they were at least something routine and comfortable in the moment. At least I’m still in touch with some individuals from those communities, but I still feel like I’m missing so much.

As is often the case lately, I feel like I’m just taking up space, and if I were to die in my sleep it would be ages before anyone would find out. Maybe people would notice my absence from my various regular meetings but I don’t know if anyone would know whether to send help, and where to send it to. I have at least been using Wellness Ping as a daily checkin thing so that certain people close to me will be notified if I need to be checked on (and I’m glad this service exists now, as it’s something I’d been wanting to build for a while but never had the spoons to) but it would still be days before anyone gets notified, and I don’t know if those people would know who else to notify in case something happens that needs notification.

Right now the Internet feels awful but the Internet is the only place I can really exist. Maybe I should spend more time just like, riding the bus into town and trying to find things to do, but then issues of practicality just get in the way. Like I can’t just spend all day hanging out in coffee shops and still being isolated-in-a-crowd.

I miss all the community I used to have, and I just feel so much like everything went to shit in 2020 and that something’s broken and can never be fixed.

I keep feeling like the best situation for me would be to live in some sort of small village where everyone knows each other and is willing to help each other out and ask each other for help. Maybe that’s why I’m so attached to Animal Crossing these days.

I know from experience that I need my own dwelling space, like, roomates are absolutely not the answer. But having an actual community would be nice.

I don’t have a good through-line for this ramble. Just some stuff that’s weighing heavily on me.