An alternative to self-blame is self-forgiveness. When we forgive ourselves for past mistakes and misdeeds, we let go of regret—that is, of self-shaming, the opposite of self-forgiving. We hold our regrets in the spiritual container of saying yes to the inevitable limitations that are part of every human life. This yes is the positive reframing of regrets. We can relate to our limitations rather than let them decimate our self-esteem. It is precisely our resistance to our broken selves that blocks our access to the divine within us. When we feel no shame in being limited, we have embraced the virtue of humility. We are then no longer able to feel humiliated. We hear the inner critic or anyone’s judgment of us as information, as a teaching that leads to a spiritual practice. Then we calmly notice that we are no longer bullied, no longer shamed, no longer afraid of anyone, not even the bullying critic inside us.

Here are affirmations that can lead to self-forgiveness and self-compassion:

• More and more, I am all-accommodating toward my deficiencies and defects.
• I let go of my grievances against myself.
• I let go of being downtrodden by regrets.
• I make allowances for my limitations and errors.
• I turn my limits into daring initiatives.
• I see how much of what my parents, or other influencers, wanted me to do or to think was right was based on their own beliefs and fears. I forgive them.
• I see my wounds as portals into self-compassion.
• Now I think of each inner putdown as a teaching.
• I rethink my beliefs about the givens of life and the people in my life; they are all now part of my daily yes.
• I show myself the five A’s that demonstrate authentic love: attention to my feelings, needs, and longings; affection toward my body by caring for my physical and mental health; appreciation of my struggles and my attempts to handle them; acceptance of myself just as I am; and allowing myself to live in accord with my own deepest needs, values, and wishes.
• Now I hold my inner critic in the container of the Dharma so that it is gradually converted to Buddhism and practices loving-kindness toward me.

We can grow in self-forgiveness by letting go of the four opponents of forgiveness: blame, ill will, resentment, and retaliating.

• More and more, I let go of blaming myself while still being accountable.
• I show goodwill to myself, no longer engaging in what harms me or hating myself for being me.
• I give up being angry at myself, especially about my mistakes.
• I let go of turning on myself and of wanting to shame or punish myself.

As we incorporate these affirmations into our daily lives, we feel ourselves moving toward full self-forgiveness and full loving-kindness toward ourselves, wounds, warts, faults, and all. We also feel more compassion for people in our own lives and on the world stage who are still so futilely engaged in self and other vengeance. Our compassion has become nonselective: It extends to all beings, appealing or not, wrong or not, perpetrating or not.

We take what our inner critic batters us with, such as shame, and we realize that others feel it sometimes, too. We then combine self-compassion with compassion for others rather than flagellating ourselves for being less than everyone else. We may then hear ourselves affirm: “I have all that it takes to love myself right now, no matter how messed up I am, and I hope everyone else does this for themselves too.”

Our experience of self-compassion and self-forgiveness thus leads to compassion for others, since it is a given of life that we are all broken in some way. We all offend; we all make mistakes; we all need forgiveness. All we human blunderers await compassion, love’s salute to us when we stand at attention.

Finally, we can apply mindfulness to how we hear the inner critic. In mindfulness, we let go of judgment, control, limiting definitions, personal interpretations, shame, fear, and craving. We simply accept the here-and-now version of ourselves just as we are with complete welcome. When we do exactly that with regard to our limitations, we are free of the chains clamped around our hearts by our inner critic. We are then allowed the freedom to love ourselves because our compassion for ourselves and everyone else has finally fully bloomed.

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David Richo, PhD, adapted from Sweeter than Revenge: Overcoming Your Payback Mind (Shambhala, 2025)