I think if somebody was hurting me while they told me they loved me, that would really turn me on. I think I have an affinity to being bullied and abused. Not crazy abuse, that would piss me off, but small amounts of abuse. I think this might be because I was beat frequently as a kid, and some of the love that I received was conditional on achievement. I lack any sort of self respect, and I find it hard to disobey orders from time to time. I haven’t started cutting yet, because I’m afraid I might lose control and actually kill myself. I would definitely not want that happening although I fantasize about dying from time to time. I wonder what a safer alternative is to cutting that would let me give me release on this urge to hurt myself.