Chapter Text

January 3rd

Right then, let’s cut right to the chase.

In the recent month or so, I have noticed a sudden influx of newcomers to Gotham. I don’t know if you are a tourist. I don’t know if you’re here for the cheap rent. I don’t know if you’re here because old man Wayne is hiring or if Joker is looking for some replacement goons. It really doesn’t matter to me.

I am here to say welcome to this fine city.

I say “fine” and I do mean * “fine” * as in if your girlfriend is doing fine (when she is, in fact, not). Why on this earth would you ever make the conscious decision to move to this law-forsaken place, I cannot say. But you are here now.

And it is obvious that you do not know how to survive.

So, let me, @gotham_girl_born&raised, give you the rundown.

We’ll start with your everyday kit. Everything that I list is * required. *

It is * not * optional.

You may * think * it is optional, but it is * not * . Whenever you leave your place of residence, you take your kit with you. It does not matter if you are off to work or running errands, your kit is to be on your person at all times.

(This includes your children, no matter their age. Most items are approved for all schools in Gotham so that is no excuse for not providing your child with the necessary equipment to survive through childhood in this city.)

The kit consists of the following:

1. A bag large enough to carry this kit. Backpacks are the most popular option, but a large enough purse can be passable. Also duffle bags, but know that you will look like a member of one of the local gangs and if you are a stranger to Red Hood, be expected to be stopped and searched for any drugs on you if you happen to walk by any schools. If he finds any, then good luck explaining yourself.

2. Gas mask. These are provided for free at the local hospitals through Wayne Industries. They are slightly modified to what you would find with your regular gas mask, allowing for compact storage while still providing protection for most toxins you will come across in the city. If you use it, then stop by the hospital for a change of the filters (also free). If you happen to misplace or break your mask then you must pay a five-dollar replacement fee which I know sounds stingy, but for a while, crooks were just taking all the masks and this was the best way to prevent a shortage. Every three years or so a new model is provided with updates to help protect you better. Get the update. It is free. You have no excuse.

3. Similar note: Joker, Scarecrow, and Ivy anti-toxins. These, unfortunately, are not free. However, they are quite cheap, thanks to Wayne Industries mass producing them on such a large scale, that each shot is no more than your average pregnancy test. The gas mask will hopefully prevent you from being sprayed, but it is better safe than sorry. These anti-toxins act closer to an EpiPen, and stall (most) effects long enough for you to get to your local hospital or clinic to receive professional treatment. It is NOT PERMANENT and it will not always work seeing as those toxins change formula’s every other day so it is more of a broad coverage that will hopefully help. This is why you KEEP YOUR GASMASK ON YOUR PERSON AT ALL TIMES.

4. A paper map. No, I am not kidding. Do you know how often your phone will be hijacked or the internet knocked off the grid? Hint: it’s probably going to happen every week. And let me tell you, your boss will not accept the, “I got lost” excuse when your taxi has been thrown into a wall for the fifth time this quarter. I am speaking from experience. Get a map and pay attention to street signs. If you’re lucky, you have memorized the streets of Gotham. If you’re like me, good luck. The map can also be useful for evacuation routes, and shortcuts when you need to go around a bank robbery in progress and you have a lunch meeting two blocks down.

5. A form of ID, preferably something harder to destroy, like dog tags. This is not *just *used to identify your body if something goes wrong. It is also a way for medical personnel to identify you quickly so they can contact your family and friends or look up your records for any health information they may need to know. If you’re really smart, print any medications or previous health conditions on extra tags so that if you are currently laughing through your teeth or just got pulled out of the bay and away from Croc, you just hand them the tags and they’ll be able to give you the best treatment possible.

6. Preferably a form of self-defense. Look, most of us don’t wake up with the goal of pepper-spraying the Joker in the eye, but it can save your life. Some have concealed carry. If you choose to follow that route, please be one of the few law-abiding citizens and carry the required paperwork in your bag with the gun. Some have tasers. I had the pleasure of seeing a citizen shock Two-Face with such a device and let me tell you: it was glorious. I personally use a combination of pepper spray and self-defense classes taught at the local community center by volunteers. My best friend carries a knife on her (her Dad was in the military so she knows how to use it). Be smart about your choice because whatever you bring, the bad guy can use it on you. So don’t be stupid.

7. A flashlight. I don’t think I need to tell you what happens when we have blackouts.

8. Simple first aid kit. You never know and hospitals are not always the easiest things to get to.

None of those items are optional. They are mandatory. But, if you happen to prefer the Boy Scout method of survival then here are a few “optional” items to include.

-Spare keys

-Spare phone

-Religious symbol or representative for anyone who likes that sort of thing for comfort during the lock-downs

-Shark Repellant (if you somehow got a hold of Batman’s lost cans)

-Rigged coin if you live in Two-Face turf

-An obscure joke book that Joker may not own

-A distraction device (marbles, a can, anything that can be thrown so you can try and run in the opposite direction)

-Night-vision goggles

-A life vest (especially nice to have if you live or work near the bay or river)

-Cash that can hopefully bribe thugs to leave you the rest of your kit because they can be a pain to replace

-A blanket

-Spare clothing

-Pocket Knife (for the tools)

-Playing cards for any in case of emergency games of UNO/Poker

-A radio/walkie-talkie (this might as well be on the Not Optional list but those can be expensive to replace so I’ll leave it to your preference)

-Non-perishable food (granola bars are a favorite of mine, but my brother keeps trail mix in his bag)

And that should be it for your kit. If any of you newcomers have any questions, feel free to ask them and I’ll answer them if I think they need to be answered.

Welcome to Gotham.