• 10 Dec, 2025 *

another personal thing, so if you know me irl read with discretion or whatever 😪

no better than his mom, being controlling with when and how he replies to me . when i realized that, i was so embarrassed, so full of shame . i never would want to guilt trip or make him feel like how his mom does about little things . but here i was, doing just that, getting upset over him not saying stuff to me, being so demanding to someone who doesn’t want to be with me in the state im at right now . how backwards ..i just want to give him space-normally id talk about it with him but my brain is constantly telling me id be bothering him . i feel like that with a lot of my friends when i think about talking to them, no matter how well established our bond is . some part of me thinks i talk too much, do too much, just too much . i think i need to do better at talking with myself so maybe i’ll talk less around others .

i should be thankful that i don’t have a high maintenance partner . he doesn’t need my support, he doesn’t really need much of anything from me-i bet i could go days without talking to him and he’d be perfectly fine . meanwhile, i feel like im holding my breath any time i prevent myself from replying to him, it’s suffocating, but it’ll get easier over time . im just used to talking to him daily . i want to pack my words, my long texts, my thoughts, into suitcases and walk away . go on vacation with the versions of myself i’d rather be, share my baggage with them and maybe come back home lighter .

i wish i could be low maintenance like he is . i want so badly for ppl to not worry about me or expect emotional outbursts/distress from me on a monthly basis . want to just keep it all to myself and probably my mom/family . even sometimes i feel like i’m bothering them, and i know they’re my family but the fear is still there, that i’m being a bother, a nuisance, a hindrance in some way . i thought i’d follow along with milkypossum’s lyrics talking about not shrinking myself small to take up less space anymore . but i’d rather talk to myself about my problems and emotions, knowing 100% well that i won’t bother me with my words . knowing that would shrink me down in other ppls lives, knowing that i always advocate for my friends to talk to me about their stuff, that they never bother me . i’m not sure why i can’t give myself the same grace, not sure why it’s so hard to believe it when someone says “you’re not bothering me” . sometimes i worry i’ll just fall into a self fulfilling prophecy, almost waiting for one day someone to say “yes, you ARE bothering me, go away now”. it wouldn’t even surprise me, but it would hurt for sure .

i think my life would get a lot easier if i practiced being ok with my own company, my own thoughts and feelings . the sooner i stop trying to get that comfort from others and fill my cup up first, the sooner i’ll feel less of a bother to my loved ones . i think 😭 worth a shot at least ..ah, but there’s a side of me that wishes someone would, idk, fight for my company i guess ? just to be like “oh my god, where have you been, i missed talking to you so much !” or something along those lines . but it’s rude for me to ask for something like that when i can’t guarantee i won’t start doubting their words down the road, wondering when they’ll see me as a nuisance . i gotta be more self sufficient fr ..typing in here instead of venting to someone, to him especially, feels better . feels like i’m taking care of my heart all by myself .

i miss him tho . i’d say i hope he’s doing ok but i already know he’s big chillin or working hard and i’m proud of him, no hope needed . i would love to add as little to his plate as possible, i just want to give him space but i love him, love him with all my heart . i’d put my feelings into a poem if he asked me to . he might not write me love letters anymore but i can at least make his life less stressful by keeping my outbursts and neediness to myself, maybe find someone or something else to put my day to day thoughts/events into besides his text messages . i’ll do my best to take care of myself and not make others worry