i'm not doing ok, not doing ok at all right at this moment . the cool thing about moments is that they can change so quickly, and before you know it, you end up feeling so far removed from that last moment . and i'm just waiting for it to feel that way for me, for the moment to be far away from me . but right now i'm still inside it . getting off from a long day at work . missing someone . wishing i could talk to someone about the pain i'm feeling . freshly aware of the five agreements in toltec wisdom, trying to unlearn the things i thought i knew .

i still don't want to make it other people's problems that i'm crying into the snuffleuphagus shirt my mom let me have, i didn't expect to be crying right after work . but i'm here now, scared to call my mom or anyone for that matter bc it's about to be midnight . so i need to let the tears come out, and i'm listening to my comfort albums as i imagine the music holding me . i would love to be held right now honestly . like just to be able to cry into someone's arms and not explain myself, just have a good hard cry and they hold me n pat my back until i calm down . when you can't get what you really really want, sometimes you just have to make do with what you have . i have me, and my characters, and music, and my words, my blog, my memories ...maybe someone will hold me in my dreams and it'll feel so real that i'll be ok in the morning . i think i'll be ok regardless-i think the moment will be past me soon . it's so heavy right now though ...

i guess i'll always be scared to ask for help no matter how much i encourage my loved ones to reach out for help if they need it . atp i wouldn't take it personally if they didn't reach out tho, i get it now . it feels like a wall is in the way . on the bright side, things could be worse . i'm not even sure why i'm hurting so much, maybe i'm just really overwhelmed and i do just need to do my PM care stuff and get to sleep . i'll try ..