• 08 Dec, 2025 *

This year has been extremely difficult for me.

I have been grappling with this feeling of hopelessness. It’s been clawing at me. Gnawing at my clothes. Chasing me.

And now, it’s staring me dead in my face. Forcing me to reckon with it and acknowledge it.

So here I am, acknowledging it.

My hopelessness tastes like powerlessness and oppression. I was taught this year that I don’t have control of my life. No matter what I do, life will take its course. And that’s that. I also feel like I’ve been suffering systemically. Being a marginalized person, I’ve always felt it. But this year, it’s intensified.

I think I did everything right, given the circumstances. My supervisor had just threatened me with an infraction on my record so I would work harder. I was working harder, but I can only do so much without proper direction and support. Nevertheless, I was determined to make a way out of no way. I grinded this year at my job. I worked my day job, and worked on my graduate program. I started looking for jobs at the beginning of the year, and shrugged off the 100+ rejections that followed. I swallowed every microaggression I received from my team. I worked through every illness I could. I walked in the office and sat there after witnessing strange looks and lack of acknowledgement from my fellow man.

Because I still had hope.

I had hope that my circumstances would change. I thought it was a matter of my not having the clarity about what I wanted my life to look like. Or maybe I wasn’t reaching out to the right people. Perhaps it was a confidence issue I had, and I needed to put myself out there.

I was sadly mistaken.

My job security was taken away from me. My income was taken away from me. These were the result of others controlling my narrative and blocking me from receiving the help I needed. Each time the news was delivered to me, I was sick or mentally unwell. They tore me down. Then, they kicked me while I was down.

("In this economy???" I know, right? Shit’s insane.)

And now, I’ve been trying to move forward while processing this injustice, this rage, this despair. I worked hard this year, and the fruits of my labor are nowhere to be found. I have been restructuring my life routines to accommodate burnout. I’ve been sleeping more, crying more. Things are getting done, but at a much slower and more frustrating pace. I, the shining star, was diagnosed with depression, and now I have to adapt to a new reality that centers on healing from that which is aggravating.

It feels weird to be feeling this way when Christmas is 18 days away. When I was younger, it seemed like a day where Christians and non-Christians alike could enjoy some "positive vibes" for the next 24 hours. But right now, I’m struggling with faith because I feel nothing but hopelessness.

I’ve been grieving this year for a life and a reality that will never come, and I’m unsure of what’s next.

Thanks for reading! Here’s a cookie: 🍪 Go Home

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