There are, in fact, quite a number of Westerners who have escaped the "unelected EU bureaucracy" over the past four years to embrace true liberty in Russia, and I took it upon myself to document their stories.

Welcome to "Vatnik FAFO Stories", the definitive edition!🧵

A Vatnik’s Guide to the Galaxy

In May 2023, having had enough of the decadent LGBTQ EU, a Slovak man, whom I shall name Flipper for a very particular reason, decided to deal a severe blow to the Western world by moving to the promised land, Russia.

Sometimes, all it takes for a vatnik to have a change of heart is as little as walking across 5 borders, swimming across a river into Russia, running into FSB, spending some time in the Russian penal system, and getting extradited. This will be a grand epic of FAFO and redemption.

Flipper is a trained musician skilled in playing the cello and piano and composing operas and symphonies, a talent he put to good use by creating timeless pieces of art such as "Long Live Russia" and several "Odes to Putin".

Possibly unaware that Russia has an embassy in Slovakia and is quite happy to legally welcome dumbasses such as him, Flipper made his way across Europe on foot and eventually reached Estonia, where he figured swimming across the half frozen Narva River is his best bet.

Shortly after stepping foot on Russian territory, hypothermic but excited, he took off his floating ring and attempted to impress the FSB agents who picked him up by showing them his pro-Russian songs. Presumably unimpressed, they proceeded to beat him to a pulp. confiscate his phone, accuse him of being a Western spy, and quickly throw him in jail.

He would write in his prison diary, with much surprise: "They arrested me and put me in a cell with 60 people. The toilet was a hole in the ground, like an open sewer. I used to put cotton wool in my ears so that the bugs wouldn’t get in, we even had rats in some of the cells and the prison authorities never did anything about it."

Fortunately, Flipper would only spend 2 months in Russia as the Slovakian diplomacy was able to bring their dumb prodigal son back home. Reflecting on his time in the Russian prison, he expressed his empathy for Ukrainian prisoners, believing that they must suffer immensely. He criticized the treatment they receive, describing it as barbaric.

The Vatnik Manifesto

In 2014, a Texas man decided to leave his comfortable US life behind and crowdfund his way into Donbas on a "fact-finding mission". His "mission" will take a decade to complete but I’m happy to let you all know it appears to have just now been concluded, after having found those "facts".

Born in the 60s, this lone red cowboy flirted with the idea of socialism since his teenage years. Later on, just as all of Cuba was trying to get into the US, he was trying to get into Cuba, which he eventually succeeded in doing.

Having seen firsthand the level of poverty and lack of even the most basic of freedoms in the country, he ditched socialism and became an outright full-fledged communist.

Upon his return to the US, after a very failed attempt at becoming a US Senator, he did what any good Marxist would and started a drug smuggling and distribution business. His little enterprise went about as well as communism did, and will end with him being convicted to 5 years and 3 months in prison.

After spending about 5 years and 2 months in prison and with just about a month left before his release, he took a cold hard look at the math of his dilemma and decided to escape. He will go on to spend almost 9 years as a wanted fugitive, mostly because nobody really bothered to look for him. He will eventually get caught in 2007 and will be sent away to serve the remaining month.

Eventually, he will be taken captive and meet his end at the hands of drunk Russian troops, the same Russian soliders he fought alongside since 2015. Following a decade of looking for Nazis in Ukraine, he will finally find them.