sometimes i find myself unable to get women out of my mind. when i see a really beautiful woman she will be stuck in my head and for a while the only thing i can think of when i close my eyes is that woman, sometimes i imagine myself with her, sometimes i just think of her. its kind of addicting. i feel a bit guilty because i have a boyfriend, but what am i supposed to do? i refuse to feel guilty for thoughts i have no control over. i think its natural for people to feel like this sometimes, ill never act on any of these thoughts... but the they are so persistent. women have this sexual mystique to them that is almost like a magnetic pull, men do not have this. the idea of having sex with a woman, loving her, touching her face, makes me feel like there is a dull fire in my stomach. sometimes ill find myself admiring a woman's body in real life. it makes me feel like a creep and i never make them uncomfortable or anything but i cant help but feel like they know what's going through my head. i wish i knew what it felt like to have sex with a woman. i kind of feel gay like this in waves, i wonder if that's normal. i wonder...

sexuality really does entirely have to do with aesthetics for me. of course there's personal connection, but that's a prerequisite, so that doesn't really count. i am attracted to people very randomly, i realized. there will be just something about a person, and ill drive myself crazy trying to figure out what it is that makes them so attractive. i think women/femmes are naturally more aesthetically pleasing because we are trained to put in more effort and be as such, so when your sexuality is just things that are pleasing to the eye then it makes sense that you'd be attracted to more women. i think men can be beautiful too, of course, but never as beautiful....

i cant imagine what it would be like to actually have that. my mind genuinely cannot stretch itself that far. to have a beautiful woman near me, and im allowed to touch her, and have her be attracted to me. ive never had that before, except for that one time, but at that point there couldn't really be anything between us. but the thought gives me a rush, i kind of get a lump in my throat. i cant even imagine myself in that situation right now, i look so ugly, i cant imagine myself in a situation like that that feels fair to the beautiful woman. maybe when i do my makeup and my hair ill think about it again.

i think my boyfriend would possibly be open to having a threesome with a woman, but that's not really what i want. id want to have her to myself, and have privacy with her. but i don't really think i want to do that while in a relationship because i value my relationship more than i think this sexual encounter will mean to me. it took me a long time to stop beating myself over the fact that sometimes i fantasize about women while in a relationship with a man. i told this to a therapist i briefly visited last year, and she told me that everyone regardless of sexuality struggles with thoughts of infidelity, and something along the lines of 'reorient yourself towards faithfulness, its about choice, bla bla'. i was a bit embarrassed because i really didn't mean that i had thoughts of having actual sexual encounters or that i was tempted to in any real way, just that i had thoughts of sexual desire towards women and that i felt guilty for it. i dont know if she misunderstood me, or if i misunderstood her, but i walked away from that session a bit embarrassed and uncomfortable. she definitely did not help. but i think ive come to terms with it through expressing these thoughts to my boyfriend, and him expressing them back to me! i feel very comfortable that way.