• 17 Dec, 2025 *

there’s something that gets glossed over or not said about deprogramming after being in a cult and maybe its not so much a cult thing as it is a my particular experience thing. in any way, some combination of my step mother’s psychological abuse and the brief four month period where i worked for a self help grifter/small-time cult leader, has led me to where i’ve been for a while now which is:

i sometimes don’t know how to quantify my feelings logically and therefore i become unable to use those feelings in decision making. everything has to be concrete and tangible for it to matter, or so my subconscious tells me only when matters are relating to me.

of course, in relation to other people i would always want them to honor their feelings as they move through life. obviously those feelings are real. however then in any case of my own, the homunculus of abuse outweighs much of the compassion i could hold for myself.

it’s not that i can’t feel emotion or something so extreme. its more that, after i’ve been through something, i’m looking at it so distantly. the excuse i’ve had drilled into me by the homunculus is that i’m viewing things objectively this way. this is how i avoid being someone who manipulates other. my ego only gets in the way of supposedly objective reasoning. all these excuses work together to teach one idea; that to consider one’s self in any capacity is to leave complete objectivity and thus "manipulate" the current situation.

of course the impressions of the people that comprise my homunculus of abuse had something to gain by getting me to think this way. a cup that doesn’t know it’s shape is easily turned into a bowl or a plate. your being becomes as clay on the wheel, ready to be pushed and pulled into whatever elaborate shape the potter wants, only you are no longer your own maker. what once was a cup is now not a cup or even a plate or a bowl, but something unrecognizable even to the dish. the potter of course, knows very well what you resemble, but what that thing is, you’ll never know. you’re unable to.

how does something that was a cup, is now some unknowable shape, go back to being the cup? well how would one nest two puzzle pieces together if they were ovals? the task misses the reality. after being shaped into this impossible configuration that is, according to somebody somehow better, how is it supposed to realize it’s former self? i think the way forward is invention but of it’s own volition. once it starts this invention, no matter how hard it tries to resemble something coherent, its holding on to rules that can’t work in this situation.

i feel, in a perhaps silly way, like the cup turned into something knowable only to the potter. no matter how many times i try to re-invent the self-compassionate side of me, some distant force convinces me that because i can’t know how my expression might affect others, i need to wait for a more subjective viewpoint to move forward.

i wait and wait. i challenge those feelings as they come knocking, where did they come from? could my feelings, themselves have malicious intent that i don’t know about?

i suppose deep down the very uncomfortable truth is that i know when my feelings hold malice and that’s exactly the trouble with this. how can i consciously let these malicious feelings see the light of day without hurting someone? it’s like aiming a nuke somewhere supposedly safe; you know all too well of the long lasting effects it’ll in the very least have on the environment.

so, im often stuck with this kind of paralysis in moments where i should be caring for myself, a wall within my soul. if there is a way to slowly heal from this it’s surely cognitive behavioral therapy, something i foolishly convinced myself i’m very good at, to the point of not necessarily needing a therapist although i’ve suffered some significant trauma since the last time i was a patient.

here, the homunculus laughs and asks why i haven’t been pursuing a therapist.

well, its not a bad question. my primary excuse i often give myself is that they’re prohibitively expensive. i do agree with myself here; insurance in the oversized land of the "free" doesn’t need an introduction, if you live here, you’ve suffered because of inability to afford care.

the overarching thing here is this supposed objectivity. it was drilled into me that if i obeyed my abusers, i could help those around me to be happier. the underlying bit is that i can’t be completely objective. my biases will always be there. humans are impressionable, we want to learn. its a horrible thing when people reach into our soul and exchange genuine fragments for rigid glass.

i wish i had an optimistic note to end this on. unfortunately, aside from careful cognitive behavioral therapy in the hands of a professional, i don’t know what is to be done. what we can do daily is to consciously remind ourselves of our individuality. you, me; we are our own person and that rigid glass is a falsity, something we were made to believe so that we could fit some monster’s mold.

be kind to yourself.

#abuse #cult #cults #healing