Mental Health Matters

Mental health professionals stressed that self-compassion is key to managing one’s inner critical voice, encouraging people to treat themselves with the same objectivity and kindness they would offer a friend.

Self-compassion is key to using your inner critic to propel you towards your goals, rather than letting it pull you down. (Illustration: CNA/Nurjannah Suhaimi)

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10 Jan 2026 09:30PM

Over the decade that I’ve been seeing my therapist, almost every issue we discuss comes back to my self-worth, which has taken a beating since I was young.

From growing up in Singapore’s achievement-oriented education system to entering a similar workplace environment, my inner critic only grew louder and more persistent with each knock to my confidence.

It parroted the same refrain whenever I made a mistake, perceived or otherwise: I was "never good enough".

Even worse, it sometimes held me back from trying at all.

Adult me, wiser for the wear, was determined to silence the broken record.

But my therapist, rather than acceding to my desire to eliminate my feelings of inadequacy, constantly reminded me to "sit with my feelings".

Though I understood the sentiment in theory, I didn’t want to "befriend" my inner critic. It was a lifelong foe that I believed stunted my self-worth and if I didn’t vanquish it, I was convinced I would be defeated by its taunting.

This binary thinking was, obviously, futile. After many more mistakes that ironically stemmed from trying (and failing) to outrun my inner critic, I had no choice but to accept it was here to stay.

Finally made to confront it, I realised what my therapist had been trying to tell me: Your inner critic is not the enemy. You just need to know how to use it.

KEEPING CRITICISM OBJECTIVE

The key to turning a critic into a consultant — or even a companion — is self-compassion, mental health professionals told CNA TODAY.

Of course, this is easier said than done. Those with outsized self-criticism have likely wrestled with it almost their whole lives and self-compassion may be a foreign concept to them.

The critical voice within you can be punishing, making you do more or always anticipating potential problems. It is usually driven by a feeling of never doing enough or a fear of missing out on what others are doing better. (Photo: Pexels)

Imagine cooking a dish that flopped, for example.

Dr Priscilla Shin, founder and clinical supervisor at Range Counselling Services, said that people who struggle not to beat themselves up may conclude the culinary failure was because they are "inherently a lousy person", rather than due to a lack of the right skills or ingredients.

"They cannot really tell the difference between criticism that is constructive for them and criticism that is against their personhood."

Experts said a good way to tackle this is to start treating your inner critic with the same level of discernment as you would a friend in a similar predicament and keeping self-criticism "objective".

Ms Michelle Mah from The Curious Bonsai clinic, a psychotherapist and coach who has several clients with high levels of anxiety and perfectionism, said that for some people, finding this balance can take years.

This challenge may be extra pronounced when "their critical voice is not actually their voice" but, say, a parental figure’s that has been deeply entrenched.

Many of Ms Mah’s clients have built an identity around a need to be “overly responsible”, she said.

As such, self-compassion requires them to first notice their "shame loops" that emerge when they believe they have fallen short of this identity. In that state, "they don’t just feel like they made a mistake, but there is a sense of ‘I am a mistake’".

Unlearning these core beliefs is hence about "getting feelings of shame, guilt or self-resentment out of the driver’s seat, so that you can respond with clarity and care for yourself", she added.

MEETING CRITICISM WITH CURIOSITY

Aside from objectivity, Ms Mah suggested meeting one’s inner critic with curiosity.

When hers shows up unannounced, she responds gently: "My dear friend, I haven’t seen you in a while. Is there a purpose for this visit?"

It is a simple question that puts a pause on feelings of being overwhelmed, and extra helpful when external criticism unwittingly awakens a dormant inner critic.

Receiving tough feedback in the workplace can cause an endless spiral of self-flagellation, for one thing.

The question also allows an individual to "gather the internal strength and resources you have" by recalling past experiences of successfully "befriending" the inner critic, Ms Mah added.

These instances could be as ordinary as persisting through multiple job application rejections and growing self-doubt before landing a role, or being open to dating again after getting dumped.

As I’ve also learnt from my therapy sessions, these incidents serve as valuable data points where one has shown personal resilience – and proof that one has the capacity to tap into it again.

Dr Karen Pooh, a clinical psychologist from Alliance Counselling, said that approaching one’s inner critic with curiosity also means remembering that it has "good intentions".

"This shame or inner critic is evolutionary ... (with) an important protective function. And when we start to ask what its good intentions are and where this sense of danger is coming from, we can start to work with it."

Dr Pooh admitted that she sometimes feels "dumb" or "stupid" in her current attempt to learn German.

But she has turned this critic into a "coach" by reminding herself to be interested in what it is trying to tell her.

Instead of instantly spiralling into negative self-talk now whenever she hits a roadblock on her quest to learn the new language, she thinks of various ways where she could make learning German "less intimidating and more fun".

"Grammar is an area I’m weak at, so (I would think about) how I can improve. Maybe I can watch shows, listen to more German music and gossip about people on public transport with my (German) husband."

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING HONEST

At the same time, like any buzzword, self-compassion appears to have been flattened into a caricature – at least in the workplace.

It may have begun with good intentions during the COVID-19 pandemic as the antithesis to hustle culture – a culture of constant achievement and work outcomes – and subsequently, burnout.

But with its increasing prevalence as a hot topic on social media, it has also become an excuse to shirk the basic amount of hard work expected in a job.

Self-compassion is not about "letting yourself off the hook" or "needing to relax who I am or my standards", which is a huge misconception, Ms Mah said.

Leadership coach Coen Tan said that tackling the inner critic can only be done by being honest with oneself, which is a core part of self-compassion.

He added that this means being honest about who you are or aren’t, what you can or cannot do, and most importantly, about your circumstances.

Mr Tan believes that many people are often dealing with two circumstances: what is real versus what their cognitive representation of it is.

"Sometimes, we cook up narratives to make excuses for ourselves to avoid taking responsibility," he said.

"For example, I can tell myself that it’s not that I’m not good at my job, but that it’s my boss who doesn’t recognise my talent.

"It’s easier to accept that narrative, but it’s better to be honest with ourselves: Is it really the case that my boss doesn’t know me? Maybe I need to do something to improve?"

Honesty, he said, is empowering. The alternative is being happy in the short run, which tends to create guilt in the longer term.

A lot of high-achieving people are unwilling or afraid to let go of criticism because they saw the benefits. It served them well, and helped them to survive in a certain period.

People tend to** demonise **the self-critic, but while it might be a "bad master", it is a "good servant", Mr Tan added.

"The critical voice helps us to avoid hubris. It’s a self-monitoring, self-assessing mechanism that keeps you on track, so it’s important to listen to its essence to see if it’s being honest or dramatic."

After all, as Dr Shin cautioned, self-compassion does not mean "overlooking" a mistake or "giving yourself an excuse or free pass to do anything you want".

If that were the case, there would be "no real care for yourself", the counselling clinical supervisor said.

HARNESSING YOUR INNER CRITIC

That said, self-compassion is like any other muscle. It is strengthened through practice, which may initially feel uncomfortable.

"A lot of high-achieving people are unwilling or afraid to let go of criticism because they saw the benefits. It served them well, and helped them to survive in a certain period,” Dr Pooh said.

"But the strategy is perhaps no longer as useful, and being so hard on ourselves doesn’t serve us anymore."

As with any practice, consistency in small repetitions reshapes one’s mindset and, over time, ingrains the changed behaviour, Ms Mah said.

"So that even if people make a mistake, they no longer tell themselves, ‘I’m a failure’. Rather, ‘this was a learning lesson for me, this was an experiment that didn’t go so well but I took the good things from it, and I’ll reshape it into a better one next time’.

"We shift the critique from an identity attack into self-leadership."

The latter involves intentionally guiding one’s thoughts, feelings and actions to achieve goals, rather than relying solely on external direction.

When he was finally able to confront and work with his self-criticism, Mr Tan the leadership coach started The Wholehearted Podcast in 2022 after procrastinating for two years.

He recognises that his inner critic, which questioned his motivation**, **was beneficial in getting his podcast off the ground and now, into its fourth year.

The self-improvement podcast features varied professionals from therapists to human resource leaders.

Once honed, his critical voice kept him focused on his values and beliefs, and from being swayed by fleeting impulses to give up.

"(My self-critic) makes sure that when I launch something, I really want to do it, and it’s not for the sake of the moment," he said.

"I told myself I’m not going to give up on this without good grounds. I’m not going to give up because life gets too busy."

Like Mr Tan, rather than instinctively turn away from excessively critical beliefs about myself whenever they surfaced, learning to be curious about them brought me fulfilling personal and professional growth.

With consistency, self-compassion became almost as natural as self-criticism for me.

By simply hearing out my inner critic, it was eventually easier for me to tell what was worth listening to.

Source: CNA/gy/ma