Whether we are aware of it or not, we talk to ourselves all day long. Our alarm rings in the morning and we think, “It’s time to get up” or “I’m still sleepy” or “Wow, that alarm is annoying." We talk to ourselves at work and at home, in the car and on the bus, and while engaging in social and leisure time. We’re constantly interpreting the world around us through an inner monologue. Sometimes this monologue becomes so routine that it’s a background hum to which we don’t pay much attention. But the contents of our inner monologue — our “self-talk” — are worth tuning into, as they play an important role in our mental health

Why Self-Talk Matters

“What we say to ourselves affects our emotions and behavior.” (Latinjak et al., 2023). Let’s look at an example: You’re someone who struggles with chronic pain and you notice an increase in your pain level. Here is one possible self-talk monologue in response to this situation:

“I am hurting. I always hurt. Nothing I do helps. It’s not fair that I have to be in pain all the time. If I could just spend one hour without pain . . . but that’ll never happen. Listen to me, whining again. Nobody likes a crybaby.”

Follow the inner monologue to see how each thought leads to the next. This person moves from discomfort to helplessness to anger at herself.

Contrast this monologue with that of a different person in response to the same discomfort:

“I am hurting. I am going to get up and stretch, as that has helped in the past. If that doesn’t work, I’ll try a heating pad. Boy, I wish it were easier. But I am glad there are things I can do to improve my pain.”

Here’s what I do not want you to take from this monologue comparison: "Person 2 is a stronger person than Person 1 because she shows more gratitude and fortitude." Not so. Person 2 is someone who has learned to use self-talk to regulate her emotions and behavior. You can learn this too.

ARC: A Formula for Modifying Self-Talk

In the context of self-talk, the acronym ARC stands for acknowledge, rationalize, and change (Neil, Hanton, & Mellalieu, 2013). We’ll go through these steps one by one as we discuss how to modify self-talk.

First, we acknowledge the situation at hand, including the thoughts and emotions that arise. In the example we’re working with, we feel pain. This pain hurts. We are weary, angry, and discouraged about our pain.

Second, we rationalize what we are thinking and feeling. Are the thoughts and feelings that are arising (anger, despair, helplessness) appropriate in this situation? As we assess this, we use a lens of validation. Validation is a way of comforting ourselves, a compassionate self-talk that says, “You’re really activated right now, and that is understandable. It is certainly difficult to be in pain. It makes sense that you feel angry and discouraged!”

Then, held by the backdrop of validation, we probe our thoughts and feelings and look for ways to help ourselves. We might say, “I do feel helpless right now, but is that entirely true? What are some actions that have helped me manage pain in the past? Are those available to me now?”

Finally, we work to change the focus of our self-talk. In the example we’re working with, we’ve noticed our despair leads us to helplessness. We’ve decided we want to challenge the helplessness, so we develop a strategy to “talk back” to it. We compose a short sentence that we can use: “I am not helpless.” We make a list of action steps we can take when we are in pain. We practice identifying and talking back to the helpless thought pattern we want to change.

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Doing the Work

If these ideas intrigue you, start by listening to your self-talk. It might feel like you respond to a difficult situation with a tangled-up jumble of emotions. Slow down. Grab a pen and paper and write down a description of the feelings and the thoughts accompanying them. People are often surprised by the thoughts that narrate their lives day to day.

Are there patterns you are noticing in your self-talk? When you’re faced with a challenge, do you tend to respond with anger? With sadness? With numbing out? What words accompany these responses? For example, someone responding with anger might be thinking, “I’m a real idiot!” Someone responding with sadness might think, “It will always be like this and I don’t know how I can manage.” Someone responding by numbing out might not be thinking anything at all or might be distracting himself in order to not think.

Self-Talk Essential Reads

Once you’ve identified maladaptive thought patterns, ask yourself where they originated. How did your family of origin manage challenges? What was that like for you as a child? Do those old familial ways of coping work for or against you as an adult? What do you want to change?

Think about the strategies you will employ in order to make your desired changes. What are the ways you will talk back to the beliefs that do not serve you?

This is hard, important work. As always, therapy can be a powerful support as you engage in this process.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

References

Latinjak, A. T., Morin, A., Brinthaupt, T. M., Hardy, J., Hatzigeorgiadis, A., Kendall, P. C., ... & Winsler, A. (2023). Self-talk: An interdisciplinary review and transdisciplinary model. Review of General Psychology, 27(4), 355-386.

Neil, R., Hanton, S., & Mellalieu, S. D. (2013). Seeing things in a different light: Assessing the effects of a cognitive-behavioral intervention upon the further appraisals and performance of golfers. Journal of applied sport psychology, 25(1), 106-130.