Loneliness is a struggle for many of us. We’re all so busy that making time to socialize and build relationships can feel hard. Many of us don’t have a sense of community or even know our neighbors the way our grandparents did. We’re each doing our own thing in separate homes and cars, and technology makes it possible to go days or even weeks without real human interaction. And some still haven’t returned to the in-person work or social gatherings they had before COVID.
In this article, we’ll look at what loneliness is, why it hurts so much, and the different forms it can take. You’ll also find simple, practical steps to help you feel more connected to yourself and others.
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Loneliness is a struggle for many of us. We’re all so busy that making time to socialize and build relationships can feel hard. Many of us don’t have a sense of community or even know our neighbors the way our grandparents did. We’re each doing our own thing in separate homes and cars, and technology makes it possible to go days or even weeks without real human interaction. And some still haven’t returned to the in-person work or social gatherings they had before COVID.
In this article, we’ll look at what loneliness is, why it hurts so much, and the different forms it can take. You’ll also find simple, practical steps to help you feel more connected to yourself and others.
What Is Loneliness?
Loneliness is the painful feeling of being separate, different, or not belonging. It isn’t the same as being alone; many people enjoy solitude and find it restorative. And it’s not uncommon to feel lonely when you’re surrounded by people. Loneliness is about disconnection—wanting to connect, but not being able to.
Types of Loneliness
We can feel lonely for a variety of reasons. Some common forms include:
- Situational loneliness: moving to a new city, starting a new job, or entering a new phase of life where you don’t know anyone yet.
- Loneliness after loss: the death of a loved one or pet, a divorce, or a falling out with a friend.
- Loneliness from a lack of close relationships: not having close friendships or a romantic partner, or having cut ties with your family of origin.
- Loneliness from feeling different: being with others but feeling like you don’t share common interests or values, or like you can’t truly be yourself.
- Loneliness from social isolation: limited interaction due to age, disability, chronic illness, or being home-bound.
What Makes Loneliness So Painful?
Loneliness is painful because we all want to connect with others. We want to be known and accepted, to be part of a community. Connection is a basic human need and is necessary for good physical and mental health. This is why solitary confinement is one of the worst punishments that can be inflicted on prisoners.
Loneliness also hurts because we tend to interpret it as a sign that we’re defective and at fault. You might think, “I’m 40 years old and still single. There must be something wrong with me,” or “I don’t have any close friends I can be completely honest with. What a loser.”
Loneliness feels shameful. We see it as evidence that we’re not as good as everyone else—we’re uncool, lack social skills, aren’t smart enough or good-looking enough, and don’t have anything interesting to say. And this shame-based thinking then makes it harder to connect because we’re certain we’re not worthy of connection and no one will want us.
How to Overcome Loneliness
Solving loneliness isn’t always as simple as making more friends or getting involved in your community. Many of us still feel lonely when we’re with friends or family. The solution isn’t just to be around people, but to deeply connect with yourself and with others.
**Identify what kind of connection you’re seeking. **Understanding the reason for your loneliness can help you pinpoint the type of connection that will fulfill your needs and make a plan to work toward it. For example, if you know you’re lonely for a romantic partner, the steps you take will be different than if you’re lonely because you’re experiencing an empty nest.
**Take risks. **Connecting with others often feels risky. Even when we want closeness, we sometimes avoid initiating a connection or pass up invitations. It’s normal to try to protect yourself after feeling rejected, hurt, or abandoned. However, we need to step out of our comfort zone and be emotionally vulnerable in order to deepen our connections. Taking a risk can be joining a new group or club, inviting an acquaintance to lunch, or sharing something more personal with a friend.
**Be open to connecting with others. **Sometimes, when we’re lonely and shame-filled, we retreat into ourselves. Even when we’re around people, our words (or silence) and body language can send the message that we’re not interested in connecting. Along with putting ourselves out there, we have to be receptive and open our hearts to connection. Setting small, specific goals—emailing a friend you haven’t seen in months, or smiling at people in your yoga class—can help.
**Are you depressed? **Depression (and other mental or physical health challenges) can also make connecting with others difficult. When you’re depressed, you may feel sad, drained, withdrawn, and unable to enjoy everyday activities like hanging out with friends or quality time with your partner. Socializing often feels like a chore rather than something you look forward to. If you think you might be experiencing depression, please contact a healthcare professional. Relieving the symptoms often makes it easier to socialize and regain a sense of connection and belonging.
Loneliness Essential Reads
**Consider spending less time on social media. **Social media can be a good way to connect, but interactions are often surface-level and don’t provide the deeper connection we’re looking for. Scrolling through updates can leave many people feeling lonelier and more separated. Be mindful of how you feel while using social media and consider how you might use it to deepen friendships and other relationships.
**Connect with yourself. **Since loneliness isn’t simply a problem of being alone, some loneliness can be relieved by deepening your connection with yourself and learning to enjoy your own company. Being a friend to yourself doesn’t replace the need for human connection, but being kind to yourself, understanding yourself, and enjoying time alone are important aspects of good mental health and can reduce shame. Knowing and loving yourself can ultimately help you connect more authentically with others.
Final Thoughts
Loneliness is an indication that you want a greater feeling of belonging and connection; it’s not a sign that there’s anything wrong with you. And while loneliness is both painful and prevalent, we can lessen it by stepping out of our comfort zone and gradually building close relationships with people who truly know and accept us.
This article also appears on the author’s website.