Stress tolerance is a key executive function skill that relates to our ability to cope with pressure, uncertainty, and change. Stress tolerance involves being able to navigate incoming demands and manage stressful situations. For some of us, this is a significant strength, and we may find that we thrive in uncertain, novel, and changing environments. For others, atypical circumstances can be very stressful (Dawson and Guare, 2016).

And while improving stress tolerance can be challenging, even if you find it a challenge, I hope you won’t despair too much at this time of year. There are many things you can do to reduce some of the uncertainty and lower‌ the pressure, making it easier to flow with the season.

Often, what makes this time of year stressful is predictable. This requires using some of our metacognition skills to reflect on what has been challenging in the past and then applying these skills to devise plans for how we’ll approach it in the future, over the next six to eight weeks. It also requires us to bring that lens of reflection to the whole thing, so we can continually improve the holidays and make them better.

December may always be stressful—that’s a regular part of life—so you’re not alone if you find it stressful. Still, we can improve our ability to cope with it.

Identify Your Common Pain Points

It can be beneficial to bring metacognition to bear, so that we are not caught off guard by the challenges that arise at this time of year. There is a lot of executive functioning required, not just stress tolerance, but a variety of other skills as well.

You can think about which executive function skill challenges frequently arise during this time. Is it:

• Cooking (raising my hand here!)
• Hosting
• Traveling
• Money and gifts
• Other things that might be on your mind

There are also challenges related to seeing family for a lot of us. School, family, travel, and work often make increased demands, and work can be busy during this time. For some of us, it’s tough to set boundaries, especially with our parents and family members, and that may come up at this time of year.

Consider the challenges that arise for you.

Make a Coping Plan

Having thought ahead about difficulties, we can prepare a coping strategy. You can ask yourself when you’re facing a challenge like the ones you’ve written:

• How can you lower expectations?
• How can you ask for help or find alternatives?
• What can you tell yourself in those challenging moments? (Sometimes it helps to recognize that December is time-limited, thank goodness.)
• What habits, routines, and rewards can anchor you?
• Is there anything that you could use to help you cope, or are there any things you can even enjoy that would also give you a boost at this time?

My Coping Plan Example

I wanted to share some of the components of my coping plan:

• I have lowered my expectations. Since cooking has become a challenge, on Thanksgiving, I will pick up food from the grocery store that requires only basic instructions for reheating.
• I will also lean into things I enjoy. I ‌enjoy decorating a tree, so I’m going to have it delivered on the date for Thanksgiving and then set aside time to decorate it.
• What also helps me is having a flexible structure. I lean into whatever is on the calendar, whether it’s one or two things for the family to do, and plan around that. This helps provide an anchor.

That is my plan, and you can spend some time making your plan, too.

Build Your Coping Skills Ladder

Faith Harper, Ph.D., author of Coping Skills: Tools and Techniques for Every Stressful Situation and other books, recommends thinking about a coping skills ladder. This is an excellent metaphor. When we are in a stressful time, and we stop engaging in the things that help us cope, we are taking the rungs out of the ladder; you can just think about how you’re going to fall.

• What Is Stress?
• Take our Burnout Test
• Find a therapist to overcome stress

When I was younger, I used to, in stressful times, focus all my energy on the stress and stop doing the things that made me feel good and gave me a boost. Not surprisingly, all I felt was stress.

It ‌helps to know your ladder—the small things that you can do to keep you grounded.

What’s on My Ladder?

• Listening to audiobooks.
• Getting outside, taking some fresh air, going for walks, and doing some stretching.
• Finding some downtime, even if I need to pretend to take a nap when I’m hanging out with family.
• I attend my support group for moms, which is held online. I can either share or listen, but it’s helpful to receive that support.
• Reading books.

Tools for Resetting and Calming Down

Sometimes we need to calm down and reset; therefore, it’s also helpful to consider the tools that aid in doing so.

• I have the 10 percent Happier app, which helps me sometimes.
• I also have a tapping app that ‌helps me work through some negative feelings I’m experiencing and process them in a helpful, more expansive way.
• Just taking some of that downtime, even if it’s going on a walk or saying, "I’ll run an errand," or taking a nap, or even taking a bathroom break, can give me a little space that can be a nice refresh.

Stress Essential Reads

Consider what helps you.

Practice Self-Compassion

This is a time for self-compassion. If the holidays mean difficulties for you, you’re not alone. Treat yourself with kindness, even if you end up coping in ways that you don’t find ideal.

We are all off our routines. We spend more time with family than we would, and that can make us act less mature. Be kind and think about what you need. It’s okay and normal to feel stressed and a wide range of feelings at this time of year.

Consider what you can do to help you cope and make it easier. Sometimes ask yourself: "Hey, we’re learning about this holiday experience, and we’re going to reflect, and we’re going to figure out what went well and how to improve, and then we’ll repeat it next year."

References

Dawson, P., & Guare, R. (2016).* The smart but scattered guide to success: How to use your brain’s executive skills to keep up, stay calm, and get organized at work and at home.* The Guilford Press.

Harper, F. G. (2019). Coping skills: Tools & techniques for every stressful situation. Microcosm Publishing.