"That person is such a narcissist!" It’s become our go-to explanation for everything from toxic bosses to polarizing politicians. And if we aren’t careful, every perspective that doesn’t jibe with our own becomes "gaslighting". We often use one word to describe two very different phenomena—actual narcissistic personality patterns and our own experience of feeling dismissed or manipulated.

Understanding the distinctions helps us navigate relationships, media consumption, and even our own self-relationship, more skillfully. Yes, we need to be narcissistic—not a question of if but how, when, what, and why.

When Narcissism Actually Works

Let’s pick up on that oft-unomfortable truth: Some degree of narcissistic behavior is adaptive. Nonpathological narcissism—even healthy narcissism—includes traits many successful people share: comfort with attention, self-promotion skills, confidence under pressure, competitive drive, and a strong sense of personal narrative. Whether there is a true secure attachment under the persona isn’t always clear.

The colleague who confidently pitches ideas in meetings, the friend who comfortably shares their achievements or states their needs with a level of security even when it won’t make everyone happy, or the community leader who can rally people around a cause without being hindered by fears of how they’ll come across. Their behaviors involve a certain amount of self-focus and self-promotion—but they’re also how things get done. We may admire such people, we may hate them, we may like them, even envy them. For many, it divides us against ourselves, inducing a fair amount of inner conflict.

The problem isn’t narcissism itself. It’s when our environment starts rewarding the performance of confidence over actual competence, or when narcissistic signaling becomes the primary path to influence and status. It gets spicy.

The Attention Economy’s Narcissistic Bias

Social media platforms have fundamentally changed how we compete for status and attention. Traditional markers of expertise—years of study, peer review, institutional credentials—matter less than your ability to go viral.

Social media platforms reward standard tropes:

• Emotional intensity (especially outrage)
• Absolute certainty over nuance
• Frequent posting and engagement
• Strong personal branding
• Simple enemies and clear narratives.

Notice how the values align with narcissistic presentation styles? Someone who can stay perpetually "on message," dominate conversations, project invulnerability, and treat criticism as fuel for more content will consistently outperform someone who speaks carefully, admits uncertainty, or revises their views based on new information. The rewarded behaviors may also be seen as neurotypical, leaving neurodivergent people with the choice to either perform or risk falling back in the perpetual race for social status and success. Or find another way to hack attention.

The system creates performative confidence—whereby looking authoritative becomes more important than actually being knowledgeable. The performance of security replaces actual security. But in "fake it ’til you make it" style, sometimes such behavior is also needed on the path to developing a deeper sense of confidence.

We may feel inauthentic along the way, but as with buying a fancy outfit that feels too much for our humble selves, when we wear it and realize how it feels and others respond, we often grow into that new skin. Likewise, research shows that we can modify our personalities through reflection and practice of new behaviors aligned with the target persona—more extroverted, less neurotic, more open, and so on.

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• Find a therapist who understands narcissism.

The Collapse of Prestige and Dominance

Traditionally, people gained status through two main pathways: prestige (earning respect through competence and contribution) and dominance (gaining compliance through intimidation or coercion).

The two pathways blur into one often-persuasive aesthetic of confident "strength". A person can appear prestigious—polished content, decisive messaging, rhetorical skill—while actually operating through dominance tactics like public shaming, scapegoating, or zero-sum thinking. The alternative is to look "weak".

When audiences can’t easily verify someone’s actual competence, overt behavior becomes a proxy for credibility and actual knowledge through experience. The person who sounds most certain, who maintains poise, wins, regardless of whether they hold the most well-founded position.

When Psychology Becomes Weaponized

Narcissism Essential Reads

You’ve probably noticed how terms like "gaslighting," "trauma," and "narcissist" have exploded in everyday conversation. This isn’t necessarily bad—increased psychological literacy helps people name harmful behaviors. But there’s a shadow side.

In polarized environments, psychological terms become moral weapons:

• "Gaslighting" can become shorthand for "You disagree with my perspective."
• "Toxic" can mean "This person has boundaries I don’t like."
• "Narcissist" can translate to "You have power and I feel invisible."

Once psychological language gets absorbed into factional warfare, it can escalate conflicts and make genuine dialogue nearly impossible. The casualty is adaptive, mutual shared reality.

Susceptible Me

Before we get too judgmental about narcissistic performers, we need to examine our own participation, our own vulnerability. Narcissistic signaling is a brain hack to get followers:

• "I alone can fix it" isn’t just a claim—it’s a quick fix for anxiety that is usually provoked by the person offering the fix.
• Simple perspectives are appealing but can be dangerous.
• Performative certainty feels soothing when everything else feels chaotic.

The issue isn’t only that certain personalities rise to prominence. Under chronic stress, many of us crave the emotional relief that comes from simple explanations and confident leaders. We glom on, often mindlessly.

The Relationship Mirror

In relationships, the issue may be less about a narcissistic partner than about narcissistic dynamics. That is, the key question isn’t necessarily "Are they a narcissist?" but "What is this relationship dynamic serving, and how is it being maintained?"

It is important to set boundaries around being lectured, to demand reciprocity in conversations, and to reward vulnerability and accountability when you see it.

Action Strategies

Here are a few tips to avoid common narcissistic pitfalls:

• In media consumption: Notice when you’re being emotionally recruited rather than informed. Ask yourself: "Is this person teaching me something I can verify or just making me feel certain about something complex?"
• In social media: Intentionally engage with content that admits uncertainty, shows learning, or demonstrates intellectual humility—even if it’s less immediately satisfying.
• In leadership selection: Look for track records of actual problem-solving, not just compelling personal narratives. Value people who can admit mistakes and change course.

The Path Forward

Nonpathological narcissism—ambition, self-regard, visibility tolerance—has always been part of human social dynamics. What’s new is living in systems that can amplify such traits to unprecedented scale while weakening the traditional checks and balances (institutions, relationships, communities) that kept them tethered to reality and accountability.

The goal isn’t to eliminate confidence or ambition from public or personal life. It’s to create environments in which self-regard remains receptive to feedback, accountable to others, and capable of growth—and in which we select for demonstrated competence rather than just theatrical certainty.