Retaliatory sentiments are often spoken silently in our minds, and sometimes aloud. We react to people and events with hostility and aggression. We might hear ourselves think or say any of the following statements and not recognize them as retaliation.

• “I asked the person in authority for the permission I wanted. She refused to give it to me. I asked elsewhere and got it. Then, for spite, I made sure she saw that I now had it. I showed her she could not stop me from getting what I wanted.”
• “I was treated less than courteously at a restaurant, so I won’t go back there. I posted a negative online review in order to get even.” (A review meant to call the manager’s attention to inadequate service and helping others make an informed decision about going to that restaurant is, of course, not retaliatory.)
• “I am so glad that someone finally called you on the carpet!”
• “I won’t make concessions, since you haven’t.”
• “I will sue you big time for what you have done to me.” (A lawyer is sometimes used for revenge purposes.)
• “I owe you money, but I am angry at you, so I will make you wait for payment or not pay you at all.”
• “I don’t have what I want—for example, a possession, a career position, or an intimate relationship. Motivated by envy, I hope it does not work out for people who do have what I lack and crave.”
• “I show the people who tried to ruin my life that I am better off in my new life away from them.” (They see that they were not successful in defeating me after all.)
• “I show the person who rejected me that the rejection has not fazed me.” An example is replying to a rejecting email with a thumbs-up emoji.
• “I wish her dead” or “I am glad she died.”
• “He offended me long ago, and I still hate him.”
• “She never said she was sorry, so I want nothing more to do with her.”
• “I saw your ex, and she looks wonderful, the best I have ever seen her, so happy!”
• “I am glad the states that don’t support legislation I favor will lose federal funding.” (Here, we collude with Washington in retaliation.)

There are alternatives to retaliating. Let’s look at the practice of going beyond retaliation. We can engage in all four steps, or however many of them are appropriate for the person or for the nature of the relationship:

1. We can pause and let ourselves feel grief about our suffering, if only for a moment. Grief is a combination of sadness that we were injured, anger at the one who inflicted the injury, and fear that it might happen again. A grief response exists on a spectrum. It can be based on anything from having our feelings hurt to trauma from a deep betrayal. Our practice is simply to feel whatever we feel, in accord with the lightness or heaviness of the hurt, rather than immediately jump to payback.

2. We can speak up and say “Ouch!” or the equivalent to the other person in whatever nonviolent form works for us. Since our practice happens in the context of mindfulness, we do not blame and judge the other, but simply report our pain and show our wound.

3. We can ask the person who offended us to engage in a dialogue with us to work things out. We can do this without blame or judgment of the other person. Our goal in a dialogue with someone we relate to in daily life is reconciliation. This happens when we let go of resentment, ill will, blame, and any need to retaliate. Letting go of those four obstacles to love is what is meant by forgiving without condoning, which is the goal of the practice.

4. We can silently include the offending person in our loving-kindness practice that day or simply send goodwill, compassion, and wishes for their enlightenment. A loving-kindness aspiration for someone might be: “May good things happen for you. May you find Buddha’s way.”

Here is a summary of the fourfold sequence:

• We feel our grief.
• We say “Ouch!”
• We offer dialogue.
• We send goodwill.

Taking these four steps is how payback turns to "love back." This practice is also a truly spiritual pathway to a sense of closure. Revenge won’t get us there.

In self-compassion, we keep in mind that the inclination to retaliate is so deeply embedded in our animal nature that, oftentimes, we don’t even notice it happening. Success in our practice is not about noticing every retaliatory thought or action. We have integrity when, each time that we do notice, we don’t retaliate.

“We avoid retaliation ... putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done.”

-Alcoholics Anonymous, page 67

David Richo, PhD: Adapted from Sweeter than Revenge: Overcoming Your Payback Mind (Shambhala, 2025)

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