We hear the word “hate” a lot these days. Let’s look at what it may be about. Hate is holding on to blame, ill will, othering, resentment, and retaliation. Its definition is the opposite of that of forgiveness: a letting go of blame, ill will, othering, resentment, and retaliation. Forgiveness frees us and grants closure after a painful event. Hate stays in us, eats away at us. The rage, blame, and venomous ill will are unceasing. Our revenges are ongoing; our need to hurt back is insatiable. There is no “this revenge has gone far enough.” In hate, the need to hurt is never used up.
Satan, in John Milton’s Paradise Lost, Book 4, says:
“For never can true reconcilement grow Where w…
We hear the word “hate” a lot these days. Let’s look at what it may be about. Hate is holding on to blame, ill will, othering, resentment, and retaliation. Its definition is the opposite of that of forgiveness: a letting go of blame, ill will, othering, resentment, and retaliation. Forgiveness frees us and grants closure after a painful event. Hate stays in us, eats away at us. The rage, blame, and venomous ill will are unceasing. Our revenges are ongoing; our need to hurt back is insatiable. There is no “this revenge has gone far enough.” In hate, the need to hurt is never used up.
Satan, in John Milton’s Paradise Lost, Book 4, says:
“For never can true reconcilement grow Where wounds of deadly hate have pierced so deep:...
All hope excluded thus.”
When we hate, we do not seek reconciliation with the person we see as an offender. Nor do we want or accept compunction in that person. We will not be satisfied with an apology. We do not want reconnection, just ongoing punishment. We also lose any chance of having hope in humanity, which is a path to the revoking of hate. Hate-fueled vengeance is a frequent style among street gangs whose members are wounded in so many sad, unreconciled ways that are the breeding ground for retaliatory egos. Among them, there is no chance for the offender to make up for an offense, there is only for vengeance, usually in the form of physical attack. The offender has only one option: pay, not make it okay. We notice that Milton sees hate as a wound deep within us. So much of our need for revenge reflects and reveals how trauma affects us—in the past and in the present.
Here is another example of exclusion. “Cancel culture” refers to disapproval and social pressure that is meant to lead to firing people or preventing them from continuing to pursue their careers or callings. We withdraw support, for instance, from public figures or groups who have done what is considered politically incorrect. Then ostracizing is often carried out on social media. Such shaming is retaliatory. It is also an avoidance of dialogue or asking for amends or compensation when appropriate. These are alternatives that represent accountability with inclusion. We see here the difference between people who seek reconciliation and those who seek punishment, which in this instance is another word for vengeance.
We can put energy into working toward a change of heart, healing conflicts, and finding appropriate and kindly ways to gain closure. We then welcome repentance from others, a turnabout that leads to connection. Punishment leads only to disconnection, usually with a vengeful purpose. Healthy people want friendship restored; they want bygones to be bygones. They want repair and do all they can to get it to happen. Hate can’t go there. This is why healthy people might occasionally retaliate but they never hate.
We might hate someone but not show it directly. For instance, a worker who hates his boss might be pleasant toward her so she will promote him or for fear she may not. He would like to retaliate, but he knows this will sabotage his chances for advancement, so he may even act obsequiously toward her. That style is not release from the cage of retaliation; it is simply a tactic for self-promotion. Another scenario in this example might be that the disgruntled worker does not want the boss to know of his anger, so he is passive-aggressive, doing what makes her look bad or spreading malicious rumors or gossip about her, which are forms of indirect retaliation.
People who love us may be mad at us, but they won’t or can’t stay mad and soon forgive us. People who hate us can’t stop being mad at us and won’t forgive us, ever. Yet, both love and hate can be permanent. The difference is that love survives on the healings of rifts while hate thrives on keeping wounds open. Holding on to hate toward someone is the equivalent of self-hate: we are impairing our minds with obsession, stunting our capacity for magnanimity, annulling our spiritual practices, and harming our body by an ongoing stress that affects our immune system and blood pressure. Life thrives only on love and the joy it bestows. Eighth century Buddhist Indian teacher, Shantideva, in The Way of the Bodhisattva, states that lofty spiritual style in such a touching way: “May those whose hell it is to hate and hurt be turned into lovers bringing flowers.” Now we see the pain in those who hate us and wish not for their defeat but for their transformation. Isn’t this what being “spiritual” is all about?
*This post is adapted from my book, *Sweeter than Revenge: Overcoming Your Payback Mind.