Oliver Sacks, the renowned British neurologist and author, mentioned in his autobiography, On The Move, that he saw the same New York therapist twice a week for 50 years. Like a long-term marriage or a pair of old, well-worn slippers, there is an undeniable comfort in familiarity—for Sacks, being so well-known to his therapist, the routine, and the closeness offered a sense of security. But sometimes, we outgrow the marriage, the slippers, or even the therapist.
One of the most famous cases in psychological history is the falling out between Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud. At some point in his [care…
Oliver Sacks, the renowned British neurologist and author, mentioned in his autobiography, On The Move, that he saw the same New York therapist twice a week for 50 years. Like a long-term marriage or a pair of old, well-worn slippers, there is an undeniable comfort in familiarity—for Sacks, being so well-known to his therapist, the routine, and the closeness offered a sense of security. But sometimes, we outgrow the marriage, the slippers, or even the therapist.
One of the most famous cases in psychological history is the falling out between Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud. At some point in his career, Jung diverged from Freud’s ideas; he became interested in archetypes and parapsychology, which Freud couldn’t accept. The result was Freud cutting off the relationship. Jung had outgrown Freud.
I’ve heard similar stories from musicians and other artists whose teachers have been brave enough to push their students out of the nest, saying they’ve reached the limit of what they can teach and that it’s time for someone new. But that same process can happen between a therapist and a client, where you’re both treading the same ground repeatedly—different topics but essentially the same conversation. There’s comfort that comes from familiarity, but essentially, you’re no longer growing. What drives this stuckness is often one of two possible scenarios:
1. You don’t have therapy experience and don’t know what to expect.
If you’ve never been in therapy before or aren’t familiar with the process and options, it’s easy to accept what you get. The therapist seems friendly, listens, and appears supportive; you leave feeling a bit better just because you vented about your week. And if you’ve heard stories from friends about being in therapy for years, it’s natural to think that’s what therapy is all about.
But if you think you should be doing more, such as exploring deeper questions or developing more skills, even if you’re unsure what that is, maybe it’s time to move on—to try different approaches and options just to see what’s out there.
2. You’re going through a paradigm shift.
Or maybe you’re not settling and simply accepting what comes your way. Instead, you sense something changing inside, you feel restless, or you realize that your focus and needs have shifted. Often, these feelings are just the surface of a much bigger growth spurt, a desire to break free.
You’re seeing the world through a new perspective. In fact, the therapy has done its job—you’ve grown and entered an adolescent stage of your personal development, where you need to let go of the old and explore new paths. It’s time to leave home and move forward.
Don’t cut and run.
But you also need to be careful: Some folks don’t outgrow their therapists but run away from them. How can you tell the difference? Usually, avoiding and fleeing are part of a bigger pattern. Maybe you’ve done this with other personal relationships or jobs; it’s your way of dealing with tough times.
Therapy means stepping into uncomfortable waters: You feel anxious, and it might seem like your therapist is pushing you to face or talk about things you’d rather avoid. And so you decide you’re done—you’re fixed, the therapist isn’t being helpful, you can’t afford it, or you don’t have time anymore—and you leave. The real issue is your anxiety.
How to move on the right way
This is about courtesy—not just quickly abandoning folks you’ve had a relationship with, but also psychologically finding closure and potential repair. If you tend to cut and run, it might be helpful to try a different way of managing your underlying anxiety: talking to your therapist about how you’re feeling, wanting to slow down, or avoiding certain topics until you’re more ready. If talking about it face-to-face feels overwhelming, consider sending an email. By approaching this relationship differently, it’s likely to become a healing one; stepping outside your comfort zone shows you that what you’ve always feared might happen doesn’t.
But if your concern is more about not getting what you need rather than anxiety, speaking up here is appropriate. After all, you are a consumer: You’re paying for a service, and you have the right to ask for what you need. Your therapist might not be able to meet your needs—their approach, for example, may be quite different from what you’re seeking—but you have at least given them a chance to possibly adapt to your request. And, more importantly, you’ve made an effort to repair the relationship in a respectful and sensitive way. This itself is an important skill, and if it doesn’t work out, you gain the closure you need to avoid lingering regret or guilt.
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Relationships are organic and evolve as people change over time. Is it time for some relationship repair with your therapist, or time to let go?