Being a couple is all about working together as a team, having each other’s backs, and doing your best to help each other build the lives you want. But there will be clear snags and challenges—different priorities or perspectives, or feeling bothered by what your partner is doing.

Just like building a house, you start with a solid foundation. Or think of it as a thermostat that helps maintain a steady emotional temperature. Here are four questions to help you do exactly that:

#1: What are one or two concrete actions I can take to improve our emotional climate?

This is a standard question I ask couples in our first session. There are three important concepts embedded in this question: First, we want to change the climate. Many couples think only about changing their partner, but it’s better to focus on improving the overall emotional climate—reducing tension and increasing connection. The second is that it is important to be concrete—i.e., behavioral: What is it that you’d like your partner to do to feel better? Often, the partner feels that they are doing their best, but it’s not appreciated because the other had a different idea in mind.

Finally, you should focus on just one or two things, not 20. This helps you prioritize and identify what truly matters to you. If you give your partner a list of 20 items, they are likely to feel overwhelmed, micromanaged, and resentful, and might ignore what you’re asking.

Keep it brief and straightforward. Regularly ask this question to refine your connection and ensure you’re both betting on what each of you needs.

#2: What’s the best way I can support you when you’re feeling stressed?

Part of caring is being attentive to your partner’s moods. When they’re stressed, it likely stresses you too. The atmosphere becomes tense; they bark, and you bark back, or you start walking on eggshells. The purpose of this question is to understand how to be helpful rather than a hindrance, and it needs to come from your partner: leave me alone, ask me how I’m feeling and let me vent, give me a hug, don’t touch me, or simply say it seems like you’re having a hard time and ask what you can do to help. Again, making it as concrete and balanced as possible—they know what you need—is the key.

#3: What’s the best way for me to tell you that you’re doing something that bothers me?

Being in a relationship shouldn’t be about walking on eggshells, duct-taping your mouth shut, or tolerating what you dislike. But many folks are hot-wired for criticism or micromanaging; they quickly become defensive, shut down, or dismissive. The challenge is knowing how to express your concerns without triggering your partner.

Again, the key lies in the details and in the eyes of the beholder: don’t bring things up late at night when I’m already tired or stressed; be calm, or don’t do that pointing your finger thing that you sometimes do; don’t just spring things on me but instead give me a heads-up—I want to talk to about something that has been bothering me but we don’t need to discuss it now, but maybe later this evening.

#4: What is the best way for me to express my opinion?

This is a variation of the question above: How can I be an equal partner and share my opinions and ideas without making you feel criticized or micromanaged? The textbook answer is to use “I” statements: “I think this” rather than “you should do that.” Or, talk about soft emotions—worry, concern—rather than hard emotions, such as anger or frustration. And, once again, be sensitive to timing—not only how to say what you want to say, but when.

• Why Relationships Matter
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Living together successfully is an ongoing process; the things that bother or concern you are constantly changing. Think of these four questions as setting the rules of engagement, establishing a way to communicate effectively. Again, be specific, stay balanced, and occasionally step back to see what needs tweaking.

That’s the best you can do.

References

Taibbi, R. (2017). Doing couple therapy, 2nd ed. New York: Guilford.