Relationships falter for many reasons—breaches of trust, glaring incompatibilities, or structural fissures, such as when one partner wants children and the other doesn’t. But one of the most common reasons that initial euphoria fades into heartbreak is a breakdown of communication.

Helpful approaches, such as Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication* *(NVC), have steered us toward more mindful relating. In harmony with that spirit, here are three awareness practices to draw upon before expressing your feelings, wants, or needs—practices that can transform stressful conversations into opportunities for a deepening connection.

How Reactivity Sabotages Connection

We humans are wired for survival—and that’s a good thing, up to a point. Over millions of years of evolution, mammalian protective instincts have kept predators away and safeguarded us from dangers. Whenever there’s a real or imagined threat to our safety and well-being, our nervous system launches into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode.

This instinctive reactivity works well in emergencies, but it can sabotage communication in our close relationships.

To communicate in ways that foster emotional safety and trust, it helps to pause before speaking and reflect on three key questions: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it useful?

Is It Kind?

It’s not easy to pause when we’re desperate to be heard—or trying to protect ourselves from emotional pain. But if we can slow down and take a breath before responding, we can ask: Is what I’m about to say kind?

Researcher John Gottman discovered that words and tones that are harsh, critical, or contemptuous strongly predict relationship distress. When this happens frequently, trust erodes and relationships suffer.

One aspect of a mindfulness practice is sensing when our words are likely to wound. The antidote to damaging, shaming, critical language is kindness, which creates a climate for emotional safety and intimacy.

Communicating kindly doesn’t mean giving up our needs or people-pleasing. It means slowing down, attuning to the other person, and communicating with care—mindful of how our words might land. We can exercise self-restraint by taking a few slow, deep breaths, emphasizing a slow exhalation, which can activate our parasympathetic nervous system and calm us down.

Drop your attention into your body and notice: Are your shoulders tight? Are your muscles tightening? Is your throat constricted? Are your eyes soft or tense? Is your belly jumpy? Bringing awareness to your body creates space to catch yourself before saying something that might feel satisfying in the moment, but may be damaging in the long run.

Is It True?

Our inner protectors—what Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems (IFS) work calls managers or firefighters—are poised to protect us from pain, or the discomfort of recognizing that we may have contributed to an impasse.

Often, we’re convinced that the hurtful things we say are absolutely true:

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• “You’re so self-centered!”

• “You only think about yourself.”

• “You’re deluding yourself!”

But how can we be so certain that our analysis of others is accurate? Could we be covering up our own fears, insecurities, or blind spots? Sometimes the qualities we condemn in others reflect parts of ourselves we’ve disowned and struggled to accept.

When we pause to look beneath our judgments, we often discover tender feelings—hurt, fear, or shame—waiting to be met. It takes courage to acknowledge these softer, more vulnerable emotions. By extending a gentle presence toward them, we’re more inclined to speak from the heart instead of from our defenses.

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Is It Useful?

We’re often quick to offer our “helpful” opinions or advice, hoping to nudge others toward change. In couples therapy, I often hear one partner say, “Why do you always get so defensive?” They may intend to be helpful, but the other person usually hears it as an attack or an attempt to control them.

Comments that sound like accusations trigger defensiveness rather than foster connection.

When we’re hijacked by the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response, we don’t have the bandwidth to consider whether our words are useful or helpful. But as we cultivate the habit of pausing before speaking, we give our nervous system a chance to settle before letting words fly. We can sense into whether our comment is likely to help or hurt. If we listen closely, an inner voice from a wise part of us might whisper: As gratifying as it might be to say that, you know it will add fuel to the fire. Do you really want to escalate conflict and increase distance?

Speaking From Tenderness

As we develop the habit of checking whether our speech is kind, true, and useful, we can do a double take—connecting with ourselves in a way that allows us to speak from a more tender, vulnerable place. We then shift to a place of relating rather than reacting. This may mean sharing our hurts, fears, and shame, which often underlie the impulse to blame, attack, or diagnose others:

• “I feel sad when I’m not understood.”
• “I feel afraid when we’re disconnected.”
• “When your words land as criticism, I feel shame and start to shut down.”

Checking in before speaking—asking ourselves if our words are kind, true, and helpful—is a cornerstone of Buddhist psychology, reminding us that mindful speech is an expression of love.

The next time you’re about to offer an opinion, take a breath and ask yourself: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it useful? If so, voice it with gentle confidence. If not, pause and adjust your words—and perhaps your tone—to be true to yourself while preserving emotional safety. The relationship—and your own peace of mind—will appreciate it.

© John Amodeo