The couples who come into my office often have one experience in common. Despite heartfelt declarations of love, one or both partners do not feel seen or understood.

Lazy Love

Hearing “I love you” may soothe us in the moment, but it’s often the easy part of a relationship. Love is a blessing and a beautiful beginning, but that’s when the deeper work starts.

A common romantic view is that love alone will carry us through every rough patch. Yet experience—and research—suggests otherwise. Love doesn’t automatically or magically create the emotional safety and connection required for a relationship to thrive.

Over time, it’s surprisingly easy to drift into “lazy love,” a pattern of taking each other for granted and neglecting the deeper needs of the heart.

When Jason and Laura came to see me, Jason genuinely couldn’t understand the problem. He knew Laura was unhappy, but couldn’t grasp why.

When she voiced a concern, he insisted, “But I love you. Why isn’t that enough? Don’t you get that I love you?”

Laura’s response was clear and poignant:

“I know you love me, but what you don’t get is that I don’t feel understood. I don’t feel seen.”

It took time—and patience—for Jason to soften his defensiveness and become curious about the emotional understanding Laura longed for. It also required his own inner work to show up in a fuller, more grounded way.

What It Means to Be Understood

Research shows a strong link between feeling understood and overall life satisfaction. Feeling understood activates brain regions associated with social cognition and reward; not feeling understood activates regions tied to social distress and vigilance.

In my therapy practice, I’ve repeatedly seen how a lack of understanding fuels relational stress, resentment, and emotional disconnection.

Here’s a simple example:

Partner A: “Work was really hard today. I got criticized for not helping a co-worker with her project. She didn’t understand that I was overwhelmed with my own workload.”

Unhelpful responses:

“Try not to take it so personally. You’re too sensitive.” (This well-intended response comes across as dismissive and shaming.)

“Maybe she was having a bad day. Don’t let it get to you.” (Making excuses for the other person isn’t empathy.)

“I keep telling you that you take on too much. Of course, you’re overwhelmed.” (The last thing she needs is a lecture. Trying to fix her may trigger old wounds of being shamed and criticized.)

Helpful Responses:

“That’s really unfair. I can see how that made you feel bad.”

“I’m sorry you had to deal with that on top of everything else.”

“That really sucks. You can only do so much.”

Trust Grows with Attunement to Feelings

When we’re hurting or stressed, we need empathic resonance—someone to meet us where we are, which helps our nervous system settle. When our feelings are met with kindness, something inside us relaxes. Trust deepens. Intimacy grows.

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But many of us didn’t grow up being emotionally attuned to—or even noticed. Old wounds and traumas may have conditioned our nervous system to expect criticism or disinterest. Our defenses rise. We brace ourselves.

Our partner or friend may care about us, yet still struggle to offer the emotional attunement we need. Being attuned to someone else requires that we be attuned to our own inner world—and know how to meet our own feelings withgentle, grounded presence.

Love Needs the Support of Emotional Understanding

The lifelong practice of befriending ourselves gives us the grounding we need to love each other not only with words, but with presence, empathy, and steadiness. And not only when things are going smoothly, but also when we hit road bumps.

When we’re able to meet our partner’s feelings with patience, gentleness, and curiosity, the relationship becomes a place where both people can breathe, soften, and grow.

Relationships Essential Reads

Love may open the door, but being understood and treated with kindness is what helps us feel safe enough to truly enter.

© John Amodeo

References

Amodeo, J. (2025). The Power of Gentle Presence: Insights for Inner Peace and Deeper Relationships. New Haven, CT: The Stephen John Press.