To heck with it. I’m done. Bah humbug.

Well not quite…but I am rethinking the holiday mania and realizing that rather than beating myself up for not living up to Hallmark expectations of what the holidays should look like, maybe I need to rethink what is reasonable. After all, a big part of psychological resilience depends on whether we experience our lives as being under our individual control.

When it comes to making the holidays merry and bright, it feels like we have lost touch with the fact that expectations are social constructions. They are mostly in our minds, reinforced by what we see and hear from others. Recent advances to Leon Festinger’s theory of social comparison from the 1950s is reminding us that we tend to seek ways to feel better about ourselves by comparing ourselves to those whom we aspire to match in status (i.e., those whose holidays look more festive than ours) or whom we look down upon (i.e., those who we judge to be less successful, and whose holiday festivities we want to outdo, which makes us feel better about ourselves). Michael J. Mathews at the University of Oklahoma and his colleagues do a wonderful job of outlining these many twists and turns to social comparison theory in a recent paper published in the *Journal of Management. *Clearly, our decision regarding just how much energy and money to invest in the holidays is a decision we make through comparisons with others.

And therein lies the stress.

We think we have to be as good as those we idolize, or at least better than those who we judge as lesser than us. All this social comparison, though, is leaving us with sky-high expectations and risks depleting our bank accounts. If we can be aware of this tendency, we may realize that we don’t have to stage a feature film in our living rooms or provide our kids with a stack of gifts. We just have to remember that the holidays are about spending time together and making others feel a little more special.

This year (more than most), one report after another is telling us that families are struggling to meet expectations financially. For example, according to a CBS article, while Americans are spending more this year than previously on the holidays, they are upset with higher prices and say they are getting far less for the dollars they do spend. In Canada, the story is a little different. PwC predicted in October that holiday spending would be down as much as 10% from last year, with consumers spending mostly on family and cutting back on gifts for friends.

Much has also been written about whether the meal we want to serve is within our means or has increased in price. Though the USDA is reporting food prices rising at a pretty normal rate of 3% annually, people’s perceptions of shrinking portions at the grocery store and spikes in the price of want-to-haves, like beef are leaving shoppers feeling that they can’t have the holiday they want. If that’s not bad enough, according to multiple industry reports, the price of toys is rising far faster than most other consumer goods. What is clear is that our expectation of an unattainable ideal is going to threaten our mental health. There is simply no way to keep up with expectations if there is no limit to what those expectations are.

Here are a few simple suggestions for reclaiming the calm.

Change “things” under the tree into “experiences” that endure. While the kids may ask Santa for the latest and shiniest toy, remember that what they are most likely to remember are experiences that become annual traditions. Making a batch of cookies. Visiting family. Decorating with homemade decorations. A special movie watched yet again (in our home, that’s National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation).

Focus on the one big thing that will matter most. Convey to a child that they matter. Fulfilling a laundry list of "wants" seldom has an enduring impact. Try substituting the pile of gifts for the one special item that a child may value longer-term.

Pace yourself. The holidays should be a time to relax and recharge. If they become just another excuse to burden one family member (typically in our culture, mothers) with responsibility for everyone’s good time, then it is no wonder that the holidays turn into a time of disappointment and family strife. Do less of what matters least and focus instead on spending quality time with others.

• What Is Social Comparison Theory?
• Take our Self-Esteem Test
• Find a therapist near me

Ask for help. Being a martyr may score points for self-esteem, but it is not a strategy for sustainable coping. Ironically, our mental and physical health suffers when we show too much resilience. That means excessive belief in our ability to cope with stress can actually make us vulnerable to illness. Ask for help before help is required.

The holidays can, with a little self-reflection, be a time of connection and contentment.