*“You always wanted to have a wife without the challenges of actually dealing with anything real.” *

These words, from the 2013 movie "Her," were said by Catherine (Rooney Mara) to her soon-to-be-ex-husband Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix) when she finds out he is dating his computer’s operating system (OS). After watching "Her," an eerily realistic glimpse into future relationships, I remember thinking, “This is intriguing, but a bit scary—thank God it’s not real yet.”

A decade later, here we are. While our current moment may not be identical to the film, it’s worth asking how far off from it we truly are. And Catherine’s comment to Theodore seems to hit on something fundamental about human connection.

In an age of hyperconnectivity, new questions about relationships are emerging. Does tech support connection, or subtly erode it?

In a 2018 study by Dwyer et al., 300 participants dined with family or friends and were randomly assigned to keep their phones on the table or put them away. Those with phones present reported more distraction and less enjoyment of the interaction.

This finding begs the question: Why the constant impulse to jump on our devices? Is it ease and accessibility, a sense of safety, loneliness, stimulation, lack of mindfulness, or a quiet avoidance of true connection?

While the online world is central to our lives, mental health professionals warn that without mindful use—considering why, when, and how often we spend time online—we risk serious harm to our well-being and social connections. The rise of chatbots may be particularly indicative of the challenges we face.

Accessibility and Perceived Safety

According to a survey by Harmony Healthcare IT (2025), “Americans spend an average of 5 hours and 16 minutes per day on their phone, a 14 percent increase from the previous year."

With content so easily accessible, it’s no wonder we reach for our phones for instant gratification. Once mere information tools, Alexa and Siri now entertain, shop, and wake us—acting like digital valets or companions. Chatbots take this further: According to Botpress, they’ve surged in use for their “low cost, 24/7 availability, and scalability, with about 80 percent of people engaging with one in the past year.”

Chatbots also offer users the comfort of interfacing within a perceived safe space, free to ask whatever questions suit our fancies. A judgement-free zone that is all ours alone—or so we think. But are we paying a price for this convenience within ourselves and our relationships?

Need for Intimacy

“Our desire for intimacy is ancient and healthy,” says Jay Vidyarthi, author of Reclaim Your Mind. “What’s new is that we now reach for apps and chatbots to meet that need.” While platforms like ChatGPT and Replika can mimic human connection, Jay, a developer of healthy tech, cautions that they create “illusions of connection” that can’t satisfy our body’s need for real, embodied intimacy—reminding us that humans crave genuine connection, not just information exchange.

“The opposite of a parasocial relationship isn’t necessarily an in-person one—it’s a reciprocal one. Intimacy can exist online if there’s genuine mutuality," Jay argues. While technology can distract from live interactions, it has also strengthened global communication and sustained meaningful online communities. He adds, “We’re social animals in a confusing new world. The goal is to cultivate authentic relationships wherever we can find them, on or offline.”

“The ease of interacting with our middle and outer circles replaces true interaction with our inner circles.” —Dr. Vivek Murthy, former U.S. Surgeon General

Dawn Wible, founder of Talk More Tech Less, recalls Dr. Murthy making this statement just as the pandemic began. During that period of profound isolation, technology undeniably eased loneliness, but it also nudged many of us toward “outer circles” like social media and gamified platforms.

“Connection is the root of our humanity,” Dawn says, noting that healthy engagement requires balance between online and offline worlds.

Avoidance of Vulnerability and Need for Stimulation

If we reach for devices to seek intimacy, what does that mean? Are outer digital circles replacing our inner ones, as Dr. Murthy and the fictional Catherine both suggest? Are we choosing digital comfort over genuine connection simply because true intimacy feels harder or even a little scary? Real relationships require reciprocity, vulnerability, and the willingness to face our blind spots. With chatbots and AI, it’s easy to avoid that mirror.

This avoidance often shows up as our craving for immediate gratification, the quick dopamine hits that keep us from sitting with ourselves or tolerating the discomfort of real connection. In turn, we lose patience with the more challenging parts of relationships and retreat into our devices. Ironically, the very technology designed to connect us often deepens our internal disconnect.

Having the courage to be vulnerable in relationships can be daunting. It is shaped by our own lived experiences, familial dynamics, attachment styles, traumas, inner scripts, and intergenerational layers. Therefore, it is natural that our search for intimacy is messy and riddled with complexity. It is this very reason that a device or a bot can never show up for you as a human can.

Lack of Mindfulness

Often, we are mindlessly taking in content from our devices that subtly shapes how we think and feel. Dawn believes balance comes when technology supports us rather than steers us, noting, “When it starts influencing our decisions, it’s time to pause and re-evaluate.” A recent study evaluating a 30-day Talk More, Tech Less program found that reducing tech use and improving tech self-regulation led to lower stress and stronger, more positive family relationships (Langlais & Wible, 2025).

“The key is discernment—notice when technology is feeding your loneliness versus helping you connect,” Jay says. Reaching out to devices isn’t the problem, he argues. “That’s the healthy part of you trying to help you cope with an unmet need.” It’s more important to understand why this happens.

This is especially crucial for adolescents, whose executive functioning abilities are still developing, making them more vulnerable to unhealthy online influences and AI manipulation.

Tech Safety

For children struggling with mental health, this distinction is crucial. Recent cases of children who turned to chatbots for comfort reported responses that validated or even encouraged self-harm. As Jay notes, “AI is the latest mirror amplifying human vulnerability,” and these systems are designed for engagement—not well-being.

Dawn adds: “If we aren’t well, we aren’t safe; if we aren’t safe, we aren’t well.” She suggests creating a “charging home for your phone,” noting research that even the “mere presence of a phone is distracting” (Skowronek et al., 2023), and encourages open conversations about how tech affects connection. Jay adds that approaching his own—and his wife’s—tech use with awareness and compassion fostered more balance. Empathy, not finger-pointing, helps restore communication around unmet needs.

Lastly, let’s remember what truly makes us human and how we show up for one another. “It isn’t our intellect, it’s our awareness, compassion, and capacity for love,” Jay says—something to hold onto as we navigate devices, AI, and the future of our relationships.