Many of my clients enter therapy because their spouse or their boss has told them they are too controlling and that they need to rethink their approach to people. If this is happening to you, you may wonder if they are right or they are just being too sensitive or critical.

Often the people who come to me with these issues are only acting in the way that was normal in the household in which they were raised. If this is your situation, It happened this way so often that you unconsciously internalized it as the right way to be. Unfortunately, the reality is you probably copied a poor model and one or both of your parents were more controlling than normal.

You Are Perceived as Unpleasant and Difficult to Please

Now, people who are not from your family, and are on the receiving end of your constant flow of criticism, advice, and demands, find being around you unpleasant. Your comments make many people uncomfortable.

Until now, you have dismissed them as not understanding that you just value efficiency or getting things right and were offering useful information. But now something more serious is at stake because you are at least willing to consider that there might be some truth to their complaints.

Or perhaps you are married to someone controlling or the adult child of a still controlling parent and want to know more about how to deal with your situation.

Here is a simple exercise you can do in a day (or across a week for more information) that will give you some actual data to consider. All you have to do is count how many times you do or say something that most people find controlling when you are around people during your day.

What Counts as Controlling?

Not everyone knows what counts as controlling, so I am listing some things below that you might not think would be viewed as controlling.

I have left out the obvious controlling stuff—liking to give orders, taking charge of the money even when you both work, insisting your partner cancel their plans to see their friends or family and stay home with you instead, or choosing every show and restaurant for the two of you. However, if you do not view the above behaviors as controlling, you may find that your view of acceptable behavior is very far from normal.

Controlling people tend to ignore other people’s boundaries. They either fail to notice when they are being too intrusive or justify their behavior as necessary.

Please feel free to add anything to the list below that I left out that you think of as controlling.

EXERCISE: Count how often you:

1. **Ask for Changes: **Ask someone to change their plans to suit you.
2. **Disapprove: **Voice disapproval to someone about their choices or behaviors.
3. Correct Their Language: Correct someone’s grammar, choice of words, or misuse of language from your point of view.
4. **Complain: **Express your displeasure about how people, stores, organizations, doctors’ offices, and schools operate, with the implication that you could do it better.
5. **Refuse: **Turn down requests by other people asking you to do something a different way.
6. **Advise: **Give unasked for advice about how other people should live their life—change how they dress, eat differently, worship God the way you do, share your politics, etc.
7. **Interrogate: **Ask someone to justify a behavior or choice they have made.
8. **Insist on Getting Your Way: **Frequently ask that the group you are in do things your way instead of their preferred way.
9. **Demand Attention: **Interrupt people, change the topic, hog the spotlight, and make sure people are focused on you, not someone else.
10. Bully: You make threats or physically try to intimidate people.

How to Be Less Controlling

Are you surprised by anything you noticed? If you found that you are more controlling than you thought you were, are you willing to do something about it? If so, here is a way to go about that:

Step 1—Choose one thing from your list that you would like to change and write it down.

**Ex. **I want to stop complaining so often.

Step 2—Decide how to handle it differently.

**Ex. **I am going to keep quiet and not voice any complaints all day and see what happens.

Step 2—Every morning before you start your day, look at your plan and say it out loud.

**Ex. **Today I am not going to complain about anything.

• How to Handle Bullying
• Take our How Well Do You Understand Bullying?
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Step 3—Before bed review how you did.

**Ex. **It was hard not to complain but I managed it except for once at work when I forgot and complained to my boss that my co-worker was not doing her share.

People inevitably make mistakes when they start to make changes, so be kind to yourself. As long as you are making a sincere effort, pat yourself on the back. Persevernce is the key to successful change.

The 3-Part Blueprint for Change

This is a basic 3-part blueprint that you can adapt for different areas you want to explore and possibly work on:

1. Identify an Area to Explore.
2. Make a Plan and Execute It.
3. Review your Results Later.

Summary

It is hard to be objective about ourselves. If your friends, family, and romantic partners often tell you that they find you too controlling, and you are losing opportunities you value as a result, you might want to do the above exercise to privately gather some actual data on the issue. If you find that you habitually try to control those around you, see if you can reverse it on your own. If you cannot, there might be old psychological issues driving this behavior that you could explore and change with the help of appropriate psychotherapy.