The holidays are a time when it can feel as if everyone else in the world is deeply engaged in a shared experience—connected by an invisible string—of joy, gratitude, and wonder. But in fact, for millions of people, the reflective pause of the holidays opens up a space for something very different: feelings of loneliness and isolation. Especially as we are living through a loneliness epidemic, this time of year can amplify feelings of being on the outskirts of humanity, closed off from the experience of the holidays or even just what “normal” “should” be.

Feeling Lonely Is Normal, and How We Narrate It Can Amplify Our Suffering

We don’t talk about it enough, but as universal as those warm feelings of holiday connections can be, loneliness, especially at this time of year, is universal too. We aren’t lonely because we are different or aren’t worthy of connection or love. No, we feel lonely simply because we are human. All of us have seasons of “winning the connection lottery,” and other seasons where we feel bereft of the contact we crave—whether we are with others or not. Loneliness can turn a switch off in us; we can lose perspective and interpret our feelings as a verdict about ourselves globally and permanently, rather than a reflection of what we are feeling in a moment.

It’s not the feelings of loneliness that are the problem; those are normal experiences that ebb and flow in life. It’s the stories that we tell ourselves *about that experience *that can make the meaning of those potentially short-lived or fleeting moments feel permanent.

Knowing that it’s normal to feel lonely, we can help ourselves navigate through when we land there, and rather than parking and making that our identity, we can honor and accurately narrate those experiences. Here are some ideas to help.

1. Loop Yourself Back Into the Circle of Humanity

There is a sign in downtown Brooklyn that reads: You Belong Here. I mistakenly misread this as one word, thinking it was in a different language: “youbelonghere,” pronounced youbelongheray. In our family, we say this to each other when we are feeling doubt or disconnection or on the edges of acceptability to bring each other back in. That sign, the work of Bahamian artist Tavares Strachan, to me, is a caption for the human experience. Wherever we have landed—the grief, the self-criticism, the hurt, the loss, the disappointment—does not keep us off the map—it’s all on the map. Remind yourself: You belong here.

2. Don’t Just Go With the Headlines: Edit in Modifiers to Your Thoughts

Feelings of loneliness come to us for good reasons: The eye of the storm of loneliness is no fault—we are feeling bereft and disconnected for a reason, but the thought can frighten us like a jarring headline, a foregone conclusion: I’m alone. I’m lonely. I’m undeserving. No one will understand. Rather than letting that headline leave us teetering on the edge, we can calm our nervous system and be more accurate about what is a fact and what is a feeling when we edit in modifiers: “I’m feeling lonely, and that’s OK,” or “and that’s just now,” or “and that’s just a feeling,” or “and that makes sense.” These edits become bridges back into the circle of connection that our thinking and feelings pushed us out of.

3. Separate Feeling From Meaning: Fact-Check Your Thoughts

“I’m lonely. I’ll never feel happy again. I’m different. No one feels the way I do. Everyone else is having fun, and I’m alone. No one wants to be with me anyway.” While these automatic thoughts sound like facts, they are the expected transitory feelings that come and go when we are feeling isolated or sad. Ask yourself—is this a feeling or a fact about me that I can prove?

4. Look for the Two Parts of the Feeling: Find the Heart of the Loneliness and Then Decide What to Do

Every feeling has two parts—what hurts and what helps, what’s wrong and how to fix it. Visualizing them as interlocking pieces, the yin and yang of our emotional experience, we need to honor both and take them one at a time. Together, they make the whole of what we are feeling. Reimagining the narrative around loneliness and giving our feelings the benefit of the doubt, we can think that loneliness is that inner messenger sent to help us, after adequately honoring the hurt, to go out and seek out the connection we need.

• Understanding Loneliness
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Overriding the automatic messages we may have about ourselves, from comparing to others or self-imposed stigma, ask yourself: Where is the loneliness coming from? What matters most to me? What am I missing most? What does it mean to me? What does it not mean about* me?*

Once you’ve supported yourself in your loneliness feelings (rather than judging yourself), you may feel better right there. But this inner processing also calms down your nervous system out of emergency mode and points to which kind of connection you might want to make.

5. Think Small: Belonging Comes From Tiny Moments of Connection

As much as we may think big—outings, parties—connection comes from the little conversations, even just a smile or saying hello, and we can start there. It might be simply “hearting” a funny cat video on Instagram—you are part of the thousands who think that is funny too—or reaching out to a friend or acquaintance with a simple holiday text. Try to catapult yourself out the door and get a change of scenery—say hello or smile at strangers, shopkeepers, passersby.

Loneliness Essential Reads

When we are having feelings of loneliness, we are not on the outskirts of humanity—we are right inside a very human experience that is trying to get attention for a reason. We need connection, we need support, and we need to “break into the circle” and let our natural healing DNA happen. The fact is that you don’t have to wait until you feel whole to step into connection. You just need to not exclude yourself from life. You are in. You belong here. This pause of the holidays is for you too. Whatever fills in the space—sadness, grief, joy, despair—it’s an “and “thing—they are feelings, and there is room for all. Remember, feeling “broken” is a universal human experience—it’s a feeling, not a fact, and stepping toward connection is how we feel less alone. Honoring that is how we help each other heal. Remember: Youbelongheray. Thanks for being here with me. Happy, healing, connected holidays to you.

©2025 Tamar Chansky, Ph.D.