I found a way.

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2025

Recently, I found myself desiring a new way to relieve a bit of stress. I wound up purchasing a kit from PaintGem, whose FAQ describes their product thusly:

Gem painting is a new type of craft where stunning artworks are created with colorful tiny gems. ​​​​The process of picking up the gems and placing them onto the canvas is easy, relaxing and is perfect for stress relief!

It’s essentially paint-by-numbers, but with tiny plastic beads. When I phrase it that way, I realize it’s probably murder on the environment in miniature, and I’m sorry about that. I purchased a kit that included replicas of masterpieces from Van Gogh, Klimt, Da Vinci, and more. As I was checking out, this note on their site caught my eye:

I define the word “creative” about the same way Merriam-Webster does: “having the quality of something created rather than imitated : IMAGINATIVE”. Recreating famous artworks via bedazzling by numbers is imitative at two distinct levels, and seems the antithesis of imaginative. I did not expect to express my creativity, but that was fine, because I have a mildly popular humor blog for that.

When my kit came, I quickly got started on what seemed the simplest piece, a tiny reproduction of Mondrian’s “Composition” paintings. The piece’s large rectangles and plain swaths of colors were easy, and it was as relaxing as I’d hoped. The meditative nature of the activity appealed to me, giving me a chance to slow down and focus on something right in front of me.

In the background, however, my brain was apparently still churning on that word “creativity”. When I had nearly completed the piece, I stopped. A terrible, terrible, terribly funny idea had struck me, but I wasn’t sure if I could bring myself to go through with it. I paused my work and vacillated for a full day. Ultimately, however, I worked up the courage to press forward.

I’m glad I did, because my finished piece is already sparking tremendous buzz. Critics have said “[I]t might make people uncomfortable”, “This is the WORST!”, and “I’m impressed AND I hate it”. One person asked “How can you live with yourself?!?”.

Without further ado, allow me to present my completely original work entitled “A Fly in the Ointment”:

Choke on my originality, Mondrian, as well as every person whose eye twitches when they see this. I’m not sorry. Great artists never apologize, maybe.

OK, I’m a little sorry.