The CDC reports an estimated 31 million people in the United States are bitten by a tick annually. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the common parasites. MYTH: Ticks only live in the woods. FACT: Many ticks enjoy the more cosmopolitan feel of a park or garden. MYTH: You can easily feel a […] The post appeared first on . Read more ›
MIAMI—Whispering a final goodbye to a wallet photo of his wife and two young daughters, beer delivery driver Marcus Dailey jumped down from the cab of his semi truck Wednesday and pointed a trembling shotgun as a crowd of Scottish soccer fans closed in. “Back! I’m warning you! Get back right now!” said Dailey, nestling the […] The post appeared first on . Read more ›
After more than a decade of planning, the Barack Obama Presidential Center will open on June 19, 2026, in Chicago’s Jackson Park, offering access to communal gathering spaces, an urban park, and historic archives. Here, The Onion explores the key facts and figures behind the iconic new attraction. 300 ‘Hidden Michelles’ for eagle-eyed visitors to […] The post appeared first on . Read more ›
WASHINGTON—Imploring their colleagues across the aisle to be mindful of how the highly charged language might elevate national tensions, congressional Republicans urged Democrats Tuesday to tone down the rhetoric they used to quote President Donald Trump verbatim. “Temperatures are running high, and the last thing we need are hotheaded Democrats spewing hateful, inflammatory statements sourced […] The post appeared first on . Read more ›
CHICAGO—Calling the update a major breakthrough for players who enjoy new-ball smell, Wilson Sporting Goods officials unveiled a new line of tennis balls Tuesday that contain even more smell. “We know tennis fans love that bright chemical fragrance, so we dipped these balls in as much smell as they could physically absorb,” said Wilson spokesperson […] The post appeared first on . Read more ›
President Trump invoked the Defense Production Act to jumpstart the manufacture of munitions, an attempt to replenish weapon stockpiles that have been severely depleted in America’s war with Iran. What do you think? The post appeared first on . Read more ›
MILWAUKEE—Following his blockbuster trade to the Miami Heat, former Milwaukee Bucks superstar Giannis Antetokounmpo took out a full-page ad in The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Wednesday thanking Bucks fans for not eating him during his 13 seasons with the franchise. “To the people of Milwaukee, please know that I will be forever grateful that you looked […] The post appeared first on . Read more ›
LOS ANGELES—In a desperate attempt to lower the production budget, director James Cameron confirmed Tuesday that the next Avatar film would be set entirely in a Pandora studio apartment. “Look, you can’t always get a blank check to do all the motion capture and underwater sets that you want, so I decided that the next […] The post appeared first on . Read more ›
PENSACOLA, FL—Sensing the perfect opportunity to duck out and get a head start on some scrubbing, local mom Sandy Pagano reportedly took advantage of a movie’s hushed monologue Monday to go to the kitchen and wash five pots. Family sources said that during the relatively quiet moment of the film, Pagano eased herself off the […] The post appeared first on . Read more ›
Multiple Christian energy drink brands, such as Yahweh and Praise Energy, have hit the market, capitalizing on the image of Jesus to sell their products. What do you think? The post appeared first on . Read more ›
NEW YORK—Telling everyone to count down as she turned to her colleague, actress Lea Michele reportedly showed off her ability to make her co-star cry on command Friday. “Watch, I’ll make his distress authentic by pulling from his personal traumatic experiences,” said the 39-year-old singer and former Glee star, who brought the rehearsal of her […] The post appeared first on . Read more ›
CHICAGO—Telling staff never to click on any suspicious communications with blurred purple images, McDonald’s officials reportedly warned corporate employees Friday to beware any emails from senders purporting to be Grimace. “Grimace will never ask you for your credit card number, social security card, or blood type, so please do not follow any dubious links no […] The post appeared first on . Read more ›
LONDON—Insisting that digital platforms should be restricted to responsible individuals, members of the U.K. Parliament announced Friday they were weighing a ban on social media for everyone except old men who grow big vegetables. “Under our bill, users seeking to access Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, X, or other social media networks will first have to pass […] The post appeared first on . Read more ›
CHAMPAIGN, IL—Shedding new light on the concept of voluntary behavior, researchers at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign contend in a study published this week that the existence of free will can be disproven by the fact that people repeatedly eat at chain sandwich restaurant Jimmy John’s. “Our exhaustive survey of over 12,000 regular Jimmy John’s […] The post appeared first on . Read more ›