It was the Christmas of 1992. Mr Blobby was the funniest thing on television (according to your parents), and Whitney Houston had been tricked into singing a love song about everyone’s favourite sentient cardigan, Kevin Costner (I feel like I’m having a war flashback now).

And me? Well, I was having a great time despite all of this, actually. Because Santa had done me a massive solid.

Now, two things. Firstly, Santa hadn’t done a toilet in my lounge. That’s not what I mean at all.

Secondly, I was 14 years old in 1992, so I shouldn’t have been asking my bewildered and frightened parents (Mr Blobby-loving fools) to send a rather bullish letter to the North Pole requesting —…

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