Violent Communication

Non-Violent Communication

The Four Components of Non-Violent Communication

Marshall Rosenberg’s NVC framework helps us express ourselves honestly while connecting empathetically with others.

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1. Observations (Not Evaluations)

State the facts without judgment. Instead of "You’re always late" (evaluation), say "You arrived 15 minutes after our scheduled time" (observation). Observations are specific, neutral, and verifiable—anyone watching would agree on what happened.

✗ "You never help out" ✓ "I’ve handled the last three projects alone"

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2. Feelings (Not Thoughts)

Express genuine emotions, not opinions disguised as feelings. "I feel like you don’t care" is actually a thought. Real feelings are emotions you can sense in your body: frustrated, worried, excited, relieved, hurt, or grateful. Authentic feelings help others understand your experience.

✗ "I feel attacked" (thought) ✓ "I feel hurt and defensive" (feelings)

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3. Needs (Not Strategies)

Identify the universal human need behind your feelings. Needs are abstract and universal—things like respect, autonomy, understanding, or safety that everyone shares. Strategies are the specific ways we try to meet those needs. When you focus on needs, you open up possibilities for creative solutions.

✗ "I need you to stop checking my work" (strategy) ✓ "I need autonomy and trust" (need)

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4. Requests (Not Demands)

Make clear, actionable requests that respect the other person’s choice. Requests are specific about what you’d like, but open to dialogue and alternative solutions. Demands create pressure and resistance. The key difference: you’re genuinely willing to hear "no" and explore other options together.

✗ "You need to reply within an hour" (demand) ✓ "Would you be willing to respond by end of day?" (request)

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The Heart of NVC: Connection Over Correctness

Non-Violent Communication isn’t about being "nice" or avoiding conflict—it’s about staying connected to yourself and others even in difficult moments. The goal isn’t to win the argument, but to understand each other’s needs and find solutions that work for everyone. When both people feel heard and respected, creative solutions emerge naturally.

Workplace Examples: See NVC in Action

✕ Violent

"You’re so irresponsible! You always miss deadlines and let the team down."

✓ Non-Violent

"I noticed the report wasn’t submitted by Friday. I’m feeling stressed because I need to present to the client on Monday. Can we talk about what happened and how we can ensure we meet future deadlines?"

💡 Why NVC Works Better

NVC focuses on the specific observation and expresses the speaker’s feelings and needs without attacking the person’s character. It opens dialogue rather than shutting it down, allowing for problem-solving.

✕ Violent

"That’s not fair! You don’t know what you’re talking about."

✓ Non-Violent

"I’m hearing that you’re concerned about my approach. I’m feeling defensive right now, and I’d like to understand your perspective better. Can you help me see what specific aspects aren’t working for you?"

💡 Why NVC Works Better

NVC acknowledges one’s own emotional reaction honestly while remaining open to understanding. It invites collaboration rather than creating adversarial positions.

✕ Violent

"This is stupid. You never listen to anyone’s input anyway."

✓ Non-Violent

"I have concerns about this direction. I value being part of the decision-making process, and I’m worried about potential challenges with implementation. Would you be open to hearing my perspective?"

💡 Why NVC Works Better

NVC expresses the underlying need (to be heard/valued) rather than making accusations. It makes a clear request and shows respect for the other person’s autonomy.

✕ Violent

"You stole my idea! You’re such a backstabber."

✓ Non-Violent

"I’m feeling hurt because I shared that concept in our meeting last week, and I need recognition for my contributions. Can we discuss how we attribute ideas going forward?"

💡 Why NVC Works Better

NVC states observable facts and expresses feelings/needs directly. It focuses on future solutions rather than punishment, maintaining the working relationship.

✕ Violent

"Stop interrupting me! You’re so rude and never respect anyone."

✓ Non-Violent

"I notice I haven’t been able to finish my thoughts in our last few meetings. I need to feel heard to contribute effectively. Would you be willing to let me complete my point before responding?"

💡 Why NVC Works Better

NVC makes a factual observation and connects it to a universal need (being heard). The request is specific and actionable, making it easier for the other person to accommodate.

✕ Violent

"You don’t trust me to do anything! Stop breathing down my neck."

✓ Non-Violent

"I’m noticing you’re checking in on my progress several times a day. I’m feeling a bit stifled and I need some autonomy to work effectively. Can we agree on a check-in schedule that works for both of us?"

💡 Why NVC Works Better

NVC acknowledges what’s happening without judgment and expresses the impact on the speaker. It recognizes both people’s needs and seeks a mutual solution.

✕ Violent

"Your instructions make no sense. How am I supposed to read your mind?"

✓ Non-Violent

"I want to make sure I deliver what you need. I’m feeling unclear about some aspects of the project. Could we review the key deliverables and timeline together?"

💡 Why NVC Works Better

NVC takes responsibility for understanding rather than blaming. It frames the conversation as collaborative effort toward a shared goal.

✕ Violent

"You’re dumping too much on me! Do you want me to burn out?"

✓ Non-Violent

"I’m concerned about my current workload. I have X, Y, and Z projects due this week, and I’m worried about quality. I need to manage my capacity effectively. Can we discuss priorities or timelines?"

💡 Why NVC Works Better

NVC provides specific information and connects to needs (quality, sustainability). It invites problem-solving rather than creating guilt or defensiveness.

✕ Violent

"You’re so lazy! The rest of us are working hard while you coast by."

✓ Non-Violent

"I’ve noticed you’ve had to leave early several times this week, and some tasks haven’t been completed. I’m feeling stretched because the workload is falling on others. Is everything okay? Can we talk about how to balance the work?"

💡 Why NVC Works Better

NVC shows empathy (asking if everything is okay) while still addressing the issue. It focuses on impact and needs rather than character judgments, opening space for the other person to explain or change.

✕ Violent

"That doesn’t help me at all! Just tell me what you actually want."

✓ Non-Violent

"I appreciate the feedback. To help me improve, I need more specific examples. Could you share what specifically you’d like me to do differently?"

💡 Why NVC Works Better

NVC expresses appreciation and states the need clearly. It makes a concrete request that helps the other person give more useful feedback.

✕ Violent

"This is ridiculous! We wasted all that time for nothing."

✓ Non-Violent

"I’m feeling frustrated because we’ve invested significant time in this approach. I need to understand the reasoning for the change so I can adjust effectively. What’s driving this new direction?"

💡 Why NVC Works Better

NVC validates the natural emotional reaction while seeking understanding. It focuses on moving forward productively rather than dwelling on blame.

✕ Violent

"Why wasn’t I invited? You obviously don’t value my input."

✓ Non-Violent

"I noticed I wasn’t included in today’s planning meeting. I’m feeling disconnected from the project and I need to stay informed to contribute effectively. Can we discuss which meetings I should be part of?"

💡 Why NVC Works Better

NVC makes an observation without assuming intent. It expresses the need and impact clearly and seeks a collaborative solution.