Sleep was a nightmare for me once.
Not the kind where you wake up scared.
The kind where you’re scared to fall asleep.
This is what happened. And what I learned.
It Started in 9th Class
I don’t know what triggered it.
I was just... tense. Worried about nothing specific. My mind felt busy even when idle.
Then one night, something strange happened.
What It Felt Like
I fell asleep. But only my body did.
What happened:
- My eyes stayed open
- My ears kept working
- My mind was fully awake
- My body was completely frozen
I could see my room. Hear everything around me. But I couldn’t move. Not my hand. Not my legs. Nothing.
My brain tried to make sense of it. When your mind can’t explain something, it fills in the gaps. Creates shapes. Pre…
Sleep was a nightmare for me once.
Not the kind where you wake up scared.
The kind where you’re scared to fall asleep.
This is what happened. And what I learned.
It Started in 9th Class
I don’t know what triggered it.
I was just... tense. Worried about nothing specific. My mind felt busy even when idle.
Then one night, something strange happened.
What It Felt Like
I fell asleep. But only my body did.
What happened:
- My eyes stayed open
- My ears kept working
- My mind was fully awake
- My body was completely frozen
I could see my room. Hear everything around me. But I couldn’t move. Not my hand. Not my legs. Nothing.
My brain tried to make sense of it. When your mind can’t explain something, it fills in the gaps. Creates shapes. Presences. Things that feel real because you’re seeing them with open eyes.
I thought: "This is a dream."
Then I realized: "This isn’t a dream."
That was the scary part.
The Pattern (9th to 12th Class)
This became my daily routine:
At Night:
- First sleep: 2-3 minutes
- Paralysis would happen
- After that: normal sleep
Afternoon Naps:
- Worse
- Lasted 2 to 15 minutes
- Same experience every time
The Hardest Part:
Most people don’t know when they fall asleep.
They just... disappear into it.
I knew. Every single time.
It felt like:
- Going deeper and deeper into my own mind
- Like something drilling inward
- Then suddenly: silence
- Then: frozen
When Awareness Became Too Much
During army training in Uttarakhand, I started noticing something.
I watched how others slept:
- They lay down
- They disappeared
- They woke up
Simple. No drama.
My Experience Was Different:
I was aware of everything:
- Going into sleep
- Being in sleep
- Coming out of sleep
- Even my own breathing
I could hear myself snore. Feel my breathing stop for a second. Then air rushing through my mouth with sound.
I researched it. Found out it’s normal:
- Muscles relax during sleep
- They block airflow briefly
- You push air through
- Creates sound
But being aware of everything while sleeping isn’t peaceful.
It’s like standing at a door instead of walking through it.
What I Figured Out
The problem wasn’t sleep.
The problem was my mind not knowing how to let go.
Normal sleep = trust and let go
My sleep = watch everything, stay alert
I couldn’t rest because I wouldn’t stop observing.
What Actually Helped
After 12th, I started reading. Philosophy. Meditation. Yoga.
Not to "fix" sleep.
To understand what was happening.
What I Learned:
How sleep works:
- Brain paralyzes your body during sleep
- This is normal
- Prevents you from acting out dreams
What wasn’t normal:
- My awareness staying on during paralysis
- Fear keeping me alert
- Creating a loop
The real issue:
- Stressed mind
- Too much pressure
- Fear feeding more fear
What Changed:
Meditation taught me something simple:
How to stay calm while being aware.
Not fighting awareness.
Not fighting fear.
Just... being okay with both.
The result:
- Less fear = fewer episodes
- Less tension = easier sleep
- Eventually: it just faded
No dramatic ending. Just gradual peace.
Looking Back
Those experiences weren’t my enemy.
They were signals.
Signals that:
- My mind was under pressure
- I was holding too tight
- I didn’t trust rest
I didn’t beat sleep by fighting it.
I understood what was really happening.
What This Taught Me
Some problems don’t go away when you force them.
They go away when you understand them.
The difference:
- Fighting vs. understanding
- Controlling vs. allowing
- Staying tense vs. learning to release
This applies to more than just sleep.
Today
Sleep is normal now.
Not perfect. Just normal.
And normal feels like a gift.
One Last Thing
We live in a world that values control.
Productivity. Optimization. Awareness of everything.
But sometimes the answer isn’t more control.
Sometimes it’s less.
Rest isn’t something you force.
It’s something you allow.
The deepest healing begins not when fear ends —
but when understanding begins.
This is a personal experience, not medical advice. If you’re experiencing something similar, talk to a professional.