Previously…

Yesterday recap

This is gonna be a different daily. Today is my oldest gorls birthday.

When wife and I got married we both wanted a bus load of kids and is something we were on the same page about early in our relationship. Our first was born 13 months after our wedding and we figured this would happen every 2-3 years for 4-5 kids. The boy came along 3 years later and we were on our path.

2 years after after the boy we tried again. This time we had a miscarriage. Tried again, another miscarriage.

It was hard. We were young. How could we be done with having kids? But, after some time we accepted we were going to have two. And you know what? They are great kids! We always have a ton of fun together. We would have no regrets, that’s just the way life is.

8 years after my son was born we now live in the Phoenix, AZ metro. Our life is now completely different. One day wife and I have a lunch date and she says she’s interested in trying again. I was floored. Dumbfounded. In no way was I expecting it. I could see that not far into the future the kids would be grown and our time of being a couple would be the focus. We got married very young (I was 20) and had kids right away. This means we had a very short time to be a couple before being a family. I had visions of us still being young enough to have a wild and fun 40’s.

But, there is nothing in my life more important than her. She is everything. All I do in life is find a way to be with her, to make her happy, to give her everything she’s ever dreamed. And she dreamed of trying to have another baby. Yes, if it worked out we would have a big gap. Yes, we weren’t great financially (never have been). But, this was it. Our last chance. Now or never. So, I agreed.

I agreed, but inside it tore me apart. I didn’t want to do it again. I didn’t want to risk another miscarriage. We had such a great balance in our house and I could see what the future could be. I didn’t want to disrupt our good little life.

I was also scared. Wife is everything. I can’t imagine even a single day without her. She is older than me and this would be a “geriatric” pregnancy. What if she didn’t come back from the hospital? What if something goes wrong? I can’t live this life without her.

So, I resented the pregnancy. I was mad. I was scared. I didn’t want this baby. I thought it was a mistake.

She had no troubles getting pregnant and only minor issues during the pregnancy. The biggest problem was the baby didn’t turn and she would need a c-section. I got more afraid.

And then the baby was born. I held that baby. That baby we always wanted all those years ago. That baby we fought for as a young couple that never came. She was here. I held her. She was perfect. Today is that baby’s 10th birthday.

I felt (and still feel) so guilty for my feelings during the pregnancy. I’m ashamed. I’m still so disappointed in myself and how I was during the pregnancy and I’ve worked hard to not only forgive myself, but love this baby because we were so close to never having her.

I remember the days where I threw away all our leftover baby stuff from the boy. We didn’t need to save them anymore because we had two miscarriages and we were done. We would never have another. How hard it was on wife to see the crib go out to the trash, the clothes get donated, the toys go to other children.

But, that baby is here. She’s downstairs enjoying her gifts, watching highlights of her favorite wrestler, and talking about how she likes goths and wants some goth clothes.

We then had another, our littlest gorl, and they’re best friends. They do everything together and are inseperable.

I can’t imagine my life any other way.

She’s our Rainbox Baby and today is her 10th. birthday.

How are you feeling today?

Grateful.

Gratitude

My oldest gorl. I don’t know what my life would be like without her.

Todo

Fun

• It’s my rainbow baby’s 10th birthday.

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