Hi, IndieWire reader! You may remember me as “The Janitor” — but if you didn’t see my film “Willy’s Wonderland” or read my previous IndieWire piece, you’d have no idea what that reference even means. So, you can just call me Kevin. I’m a director. And while I’m thankful to be here in 2025, making movies —I’m here to share that life continues to leave a mess for me (The Janitor) to clean up.

In a pandemic era 2021, rather than promoting “Willy’s Wonderland” (my return to directing), I found myself fighting for my life in ICU against the dreaded villain COVID. I’m talking about my family being told to say their “goodbyes” COVID. Well, thankfully, I pulled through, I got to see “Willy’s” released, reach cult status with its own legion of dedicated fans, and we all lived happily ever after… well sort of.

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After all that, I knew I needed to prove “Willy’s” wasn’t a fluke. I had to level up. Like Nicolas Cage’s “Willy’s” character “The Janitor,” playing pinball and beating the crazy animatronics one by one, I had to prove I still had “game.” So, I pushed hard and managed to land “The Accursed” (a chamber piece horror) and quickly followed it up with the teen horror “Oak.” I was three for three and now feeling this directing stuff might work out… But life, as they say, has other plans.

After a whirlwind of creative activity, a new supervillain arrived on the scene.

Grief.

You see, with grief, you are never prepared (although you think you are), and it will turn your world upside down. The mental and physical toll it takes is severe — something you can hardly put into words. You just become a member of the club. A club we all join sooner or later. On the day of my daughter’s graduation from high school, my mother-in-law passed away, and my family and I were zombified for a while. We had no idea it was coming, she broke her hip and then plummeted into a downward spiral. She was gone and the world felt smaller and lonelier without her in it.

After taking that summer to recover, the evildoer grief struck yet again when my mother passed away. My mother and I were very close. She was an inspiration and a pillar in my life — she was my rock. Unlike my mother-in-law, my family knew that her end was near because she was going downhill for two years from dementia, but it was a slow and painful descent, and every day we were preparing for it, waiting for it (a real life horror film, to say the least). Then, finally, we were faced with her loss the day before Thanksgiving 2024. Mom was gone.

When she passed, I thought I would be prepared for it because I have been psyching myself up playing mind games, trying to not cry and not get emotional when I knew it would eventually happen. But those were just “drills,” and I wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of mental pain and anguish that my family or I would have to experience. The memories flooding our brains as we would start to talk about the two Grandmas brought erupting tears day in and day out. The emotion would flood in like a breaking wave, never knowing when it was coming or when it was going to go.

While I beat COVID, I couldn’t beat grief. It is the wizard mode of pinball that has yet to be defeated. You just learn to endure and live with it like a nagging next-door neighbor who never moves away — always there, even at the most awkward times. It never changes, but it changes you.

A year passed. Grief doesn’t care what’s happening in your life, but you learn to carry it while moving forward… and “The Janitor” had a job to do. So, I got back to work and directed a psychological horror-thriller entitled “Pig Hill.” I’ve watched it screen at FrightFest and win the Best Over-All Feature at Nightmare Film Fest. And now it’s finally ready to meet audiences.

I have since directed “Misdirection” (a crime noir thriller) and “Driver” (a coming-of-age horror) that I am currently in post-production on. Five movies in four years, just like beating five levels of pinball in four minutes. I have worked with some amazing people along the way. Looking back, it is not just one movie or one experience that defines me, but it’s the body of work that becomes part of the body of your life.

Grief, in a weird way, has made me stronger, it has made me more courageous than ever before, and makes me live in the moment every day. The journey with almost succumbing to COVID back in 2021, experiencing loss in the years that followed, but also finding comfort in the work has shown me that life — even when it feels like an endless horror show, gives you outlets to find joy (lightness in the dark).

So, the adventure continues… I still feel like “The Janitor” (a 2.0 version of him). I’m still playing life’s pinball machine, trying to level up by committing to a body of work, raising a good family, and enjoying the journey — all while continuing to clean up the mess life can deliver.

What level are you on?

“Pig Hill” will be released digitally on Tuesday, December 9.