Another crofting sim, unless it’s fake

Image credit: Resetera

You know that weird chime that plays when you find a secret in the classic Tomb Raider games? Play it now in your head. You weren’t alive when those games were published? I hate you. I hate you. Also, here you go. Great, now we’re ready to talk about the leaked images of Tomb Raider: Legacy Of Atlantis, which appears to be the new Tomb Raider game due to be announced at G-Star K-Dog’s Game Awards show tonight. Or at least, one of them.

The leaked images come via Resetera, with posters noting that Lara Croft’s pose in the supposed boxart matches her pose in the teaser for a “future of Tomb Raider” presentation at tonight’s festive Keighley-hauling. Hello Resetera users! I read your mean comments about our best PC games feature. Spare me your kneejerk Blizzard fandom, you casuals. Still, all is forgiven as long as you keep filching alleged videogame titbits from Geoff Keighley’s undies.

The screens appear to be trailer grabs, and show a freshly-revarnished Lara sporting her legendary blue top and twin pistols. There is minimal evidence so far of the screechy Croft mutilation we saw in the more recent borderline horror survivalism-themed games.

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There is minimal evidence of much personality at all, to be honest. I confess, I’ve been sitting on this leak because, frankly, the images seem rather bland and recycled, to the point that I worried they’d been AI-generated for kicks using a combination of Lara Croft character models from various generations of Tomb Raiding. Mind you, that could be because this is a remake of the very first Lara Croft outing on PS1, spliced with the look and feel of the more recent Tomb Raider reboots under Crystal Dynamics. Lara’s gear in the image certainly gives that impression.

There have already been two Tomb Raider reboot trilogies, plus remasters of the first six games under Core Design. Tomb Raider has pillaged itself so often I’m not sure new varieties of Lara are conceivable. Still, please accept my totally original, never before expressed suggestion: why not, like, let Lara Croft age? Instead of resetting her every 10 years because entertainment culture at large has an institutional terror of older women in action roles?

Here is my other, definitely not original suggestion, inasmuch as I think I’ve written it on these pages before: pretty please Crystal, can you do a Tomb Raider franchise soap opera in which all the various incarnations of Lara hang out in their mansion and solve mysteries? I’ve got personalities worked out for each of them based on my expertise in 90s television. OG Lara Croft is the Phoebe, Angel of Darkness Croft is the Joey. Legends and 2013 Croft are Monica and Chandler. Ross gets to be Lara Croft Go and Rachel can be that Game Boy one I’ve forgotten the name of. Look, roll with it for fuck’s sake. This is still more convincing than a Croft who can’t seem to grow out of her twenties.

Terrible jokes aside, I hope Crystal Dynamics make this work. They’ve been through three rounds of layoffs in the past year. Best of luck with tonight’s announcements, all.