We spend a huge part of our social lives online. Over five billion people scroll, post and comment on social media every day, using these platforms to keep in touch, share experiences and express themselves. Yet social media is often blamed for making us lonelier, more anxious and more competitive.

Our research team at the University of Southampton wanted to test whether this overwhelmingly negative narrative tells the full story. Instead of asking only what social media does to us, we asked a different question: under what conditions does sharing online actually help our relationships?

To answer this, we conducted a systematic review of almost two decades of research on two core online behaviours: self-disclosure (sharing personal information, thoughts or feelings) and self-presentation (managing the image we project to others). Across 57 publications and 73 individual studies, a clear pattern emerged: online sharing can strengthen relationships but only when it is perceived as genuine, appropriate and socially attuned.

People have always managed how they appear to others. What social media adds is scale, speed and visibility. A single post can be seen by dozens, hundreds, or even thousands of people, from close friends to complete strangers.

Both self-disclosure and self-presentation serve important social functions. Sharing personal experiences can deepen friendships and invite support. Presenting achievements or milestones can reinforce feelings of status and belonging. Problems arise not because these processes exist, but because they become exaggerated, misjudged or mismatched to the audience.

What the evidence actually shows

Across the studies we reviewed, people who shared more about their lives online consistently felt more socially connected. Even short, everyday updates increased feelings of belonging and reduced loneliness – whether or not the posts received visible feedback.

From the audience side, people felt emotionally closer to those who disclosed more frequently and more meaningfully. These effects were not limited to close friends; even weak ties often strengthened through regular, low-stakes sharing.

Crucially, online sharing helps fulfil two fundamental social motives. One is affiliation: the need for closeness, warmth and acceptance. The second is status: the need to feel valued, admired or socially visible. Positive, sincere self-disclosure supported both. In contrast, posting that was clearly designed to impress, brag or exaggerate often undermined liking, even when it attracted superficial engagement such as likes.

One of the most robust findings from the review was the importance of perceived authenticity. Across multiple experiments, people rated targets as more trustworthy, likeable and socially attractive when their photos were candid rather than heavily posed or edited. Filtered selfies and highly polished images tended to reduce perceived genuineness, and with it, social warmth.

The same pattern appeared in written posts. Balanced, everyday content – think “Long day but finally home with a cup of tea. Nice to slow down and enjoy the small comforts” – elicited more positive responses than overt self-promotion, for example “Another huge win today — feeling unstoppable lately! Hard work really does beat talent 💪✨”. Across studies, people were consistently more liked when they appeared real rather than strategic.

This does not mean people reject positivity. Positive posts were generally associated with more likes, friendlier comments and higher interpersonal attraction. But highly curated positivity, especially when it signalled superiority, luxury or flawless success, often triggered scepticism rather than admiration.

When sharing backfires

The review also showed that more disclosure is not always better. Highly intimate or strongly negative posts were often judged as inappropriate when shared publicly, particularly among acquaintances. These posts may attract attention but not necessarily liking or trust.

Negative posts showed an important asymmetry. They tended to receive fewer likes, but more private messages and emotional support. In other words, distress expressed online does not go ignored — but the support often moves behind the scenes. What matters most is whether the disclosure appears sincere rather than performative.

Not everyone uses social media in the same way. Traits such as narcissism and attachment style shape both how people post and how others respond. Narcissistic users, for example, tended to post more frequently and more self-promotional content.

While this often increased visibility, it did not reliably increase genuine liking or closeness. By contrast, people with secure attachment styles, who were comfortable with intimacy and trust, were more likely to use social media in ways that sustain real relationships.

Context matters just as much. Close friends responded differently from acquaintances. A disclosure that strengthens closeness in an intimate relationship may feel awkward or excessive when directed at distant contacts. Platforms also differ: what feels normal on Instagram may not work on LinkedIn or X.

Most previous research, and most public debate, has focused on the harms of social media: addiction, social comparison, anxiety and loneliness. These are real concerns. But they coexist with a parallel reality: people continue to use social media because it meets genuine social needs.

Our aim was to identify what actually works in online relating. We wanted to move beyond simplistic “good” versus “bad” narratives and offer a more precise account of how digital connection succeeds or fails. The practical implications are less about posting more or less, and more about how and why we share. Posts perceived as genuine consistently outperform those seen as strategic.

In summary, positive content attracts visibility; sincere vulnerability attracts support. Extremely intimate disclosures are best reserved for closer relationships. Heavily filtered or exaggerated self-presentation often weakens trust.

Social media is neither inherently toxic nor inherently connective. It amplifies whatever social signals we send through it. When those signals align with honesty, emotional awareness and relational context, online self-disclosure can strengthen, rather than strain, our relationships.

The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.