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My Whimsical, Millennial, Meme-Addled Youth Did Not Set Me Up for Success in the New American Dystopia

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We’ve Defied President Nyarlathotep’s Psychic Siege Long Enough

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We Regret to Inform You That Your Middle School Diary Has Lapsed into the Public Domain

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Oxymorons for 2025

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Our School District Can Now Keep Track of Your Child with Just Three Terrible Apps

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Excerpts from The Believer: The Labyrinth

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Don’t Worry, Bezos Will Let Some of Us on His Space Ark

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If New York City Is No Longer Going to Be an Unaffordable Police State Run by Crooks, I’m Taking My Hard-Earned Sex-Pest Dollars Elsewhere

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Reviews of New Food: Little Caesars’ Crazy Puffs

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Pop Song Math Quiz

mcsweeneys.net·27w

Yeah, He Won, but He Was Up Against a Deeply Flawed Candidate

mcsweeneys.net·27w

Please Consider My Mom Kathy for the Next Golden Bachelorette

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Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand, but the Five Thousand Are Gluten Free

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I’m the Owner of This All Day Café in Nineteenth-Century Paris: Can We Stop It with the Fucking Easels?

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Explaining to Your Parents Why Certain Celebrities Are Famous

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It Is Cruel to Deny Food Assistance to Those Who Truly Deserve It: Corporations

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Honey, I Don’t Think Our Haunted House Is Elevated

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Excerpts from The Believer: The Haunting of Pennhurst

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Emily Henry’s Dracula

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Dean of the Dead

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