“AAAGGGHHH!!!” A Memo from Animal, Your New Editor-in-Chief

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This Is What Happens When You Listen to Too Much Jazz

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Please Let Our Warfighters Use Your Restroom

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Hi, I’m an Early 2010s Tech CEO

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On the Red Carpet of the Nobel Prizes

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Tarot Readings for Life in the Big, Soul-Crushing City

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Freddie and Eddie, the Nation’s Leading Temu Abbott and Costello, in “Dat Bird!”

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We Are Not Fascists, and If You Call Us Fascists, We Will Arrest You

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Excerpts from The Believer: The Last Resort

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A Series of Messages Tied to Bricks Thrown Through My Ex’s Neighbor’s Window

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1990s Band or Offhand Comment from My Tween About My Outfit?

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AI-Generated Reviews of AI-Generated Actor’s Tilly Norwood’s AI-Generated Movies

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We, the GOP, Don’t Want a Government Shutdown, But…

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If 1980s Teen Movies Took Place Today

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An Open Letter to the Bra Store Clerk Who Gave My Enormous Breasts an Embarrassing Nickname When I Was Coming of Age

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I Need AI to Write Better Lesson Plans So My Students Stop Using AI to Write Their Papers

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Take a Tour of My Five-Bed, Six-Bath Affront to God

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Why I Have Chosen to Perform in the Mordor Comedy Festival

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Ways the National Guard Can Actually Help “War-Ravaged” Portland

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Instructions for Your High-End Italian Espresso Machine

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