I Am Hummingbird, Lord of Your Doorknob (opens in new tab)

Hark ye! I am hummingbird, tiny as a golf ball, dense as a chicken tender, with feathers the size of tomato seeds. I run on sugar. SUGAR. SUGAR WATER! Look look look look look look look, SHUT UP. Look. I built my house on your doorknob. Go around, use one of the other doors, climb in through a window. GO AROUND. Follow my logic: Here’s the thing: I AM KING OF YOUR EMOTIONS. I am very small. “Smol” in your new English, you reductive idiots. SMOL. I am the smallest dinosaur. Small as a Brazil n...