• 30 Dec, 2025 *

its like waking up.

a couple of hours ago, i wanted to give up.

it ached. there’s so many problems all interlinked. i cant solve them all, and i definitely can’t solve just one of them.

i remember how it felt. more lost than i’ve ever been. the cruelest i’ve spoken to anyone since i was 16.

but its distant now. oddly numb.

i can picture my face without wanting to throw up. i stood and looked at myself in the mirror for 5 minutes and... i didn’t recognise her. but she’s sorta pretty, yeah.

i think the reason i love other people’s eyes so much is because i love mine. nobody else has my eyes.

i’m tired as hell. its 3am. part of me wants to get up and make coffee and do something, even if its just playing a game. i know i should sleep though. i probably will.

i also want to make a late christmas card for my friend, and go play my bass, and fix my wardrobe. i want to go for a walk and take pictures and look at the moon.

i care about things again.

i’d say i care about people again, but that never really stopped.

i don’t know where all the pain went. its somewhere else now though.

im terrified of it coming back. i know it will. i need to find a way out of this, and- not like that. i dont want that.

i’m sorry for last night. i went and read those messages, like i said i would. i’ve got a lot to atone for.

but also a lot to live for, maybe.

i hope i can do both.