• 21 Dec, 2025 *

sometimes, loving people is... really confusing.

my last post was kinda about that one pigeon pit lyric,

there are things in your life, that you were made to run away from, but it’s not your grief, or your pain, or any other kind of love,

yeah.

i like that a lot.

there’s another song that my ex introduced me to a long time ago, which i think makes a kinda similar statement;

anger is just love, left out, gone to vinegar,

i like that too. i like that pigeon pit describes grief as a kind of love.

if anger is love; abandoned and left alone, then i think grief is just love; lost, nowhere to go.

pretty often, they’re the same thing. or one of them becomes the other.

and thus, sometimes loving people is really confusing.

sometimes you love someone a lot, and you can’t show it. there’s a lot of reasons for that.

you don’t know how, or can’t let yourself. they don’t want it, or they’re not around. or you can’t, for reasons outside of yourself and them.

and thats... usually pretty confusing. maybe not consciously, to the everyday version of you. but i think it’s always confusing to the weird little animal in your heart.

confusion is scary. fear like that is hard to escape, so it manifests as anger, something more... directed. and then it burns out, and you’re left with grief.

maybe its not as linear as that, or the steps happen in a different order. but i think all those feelings are linked.

i’m rambling a bit. sorry.

loving people is confusing.

loving yourself is maybe the most confusing of all.

today, i had a long and... hopefully important conversation with a friend. i’m not sure yet where that’s gonna lead, but there was one part of it that I think will stay with me for a long long time.

we were talking about mood swings and mental health and personality.

i have trouble holding onto feelings, opinions, convictions. my head and my heart are both equally temperamental, and while the states they’ll end up in are easy enough to predict, the timing almost never is.

in other words, i often feel like i am more than one person crammed inside this one human body. i feel like i am sometimes many people.

it’s... a concept and a topic my friend had always treated with scorn, rather dismissively. she had her reasons.

when i explained it to her, and pointed that out, she gave one of the most heartfelt apologies i’ve ever heard from someone. several months of quiet resentment and reluctance were mostly-healed in a few sentences.

i remember thinking at the time that it didn’t actually sound very heartfelt or sincere. and, that’s how i knew that it was. thats what made it genuine.

my friend is a very good actress, and so counterintuitively... i think it would have sounded almost perfectly sincere, if it wasn’t.

she is a confusing person to love, but this is one of the things i love about her the most. the exceptional actress and the paradoxically, hopelessly, wholeheartedly sincere person, not underneath but intertwined.

after everything, you still make me feel seen. you still feel like a kind of home, even if i begin to fear it’s one i wont be able to visit for much longer.

loving people is... confusing.

sometimes it’s just better to do at a distance.

when you are very lovable, sometimes you run out of space to accept love.

when you are very loving, sometimes it is hard to find places to show love.

it’s time for another song lyric, i think.

I wanna be just like you, I wanna trust like you, I wanna love like you do,

this one’s not very complicated.

another friend showed me this one quite recently. she sang it, which made me want to kiss her quite badly.

not make out. just kiss. the distinction is important.

i’m hubristic enough to think she may have been singing it to me of course, especially after a conversation i think we had earlier that day.

i’m also anxious and cynical enough to know she definitely wasn’t - thats just wishful thinking.

it doesn’t matter in the end. it got me thinking about it again either way.

it seems crazy that someone would want to love the way that i love - confusingly, overwhelmingly, inconsistently, madly, frequently, inevitably and indefinitely.

(adverb quota exhausted there will be no more adverbs in this post)

i guess, on the outside, i could see the appeal. sometimes it is nice, to know with absolute certainty that i will love someone forever... even if not all the time. i think thats much better than loving someone all the time, but knowing that it will end.

it’s also so tiring. for me and for others, i think.

overwhelming. often unwelcome. misplaced.

left out. gone to vinegar. lost, with nowhere to go.

i’ve spent the last two or three weeks feeling like i don’t love anyone - or feeling it with intermittance at best.

now, tonight, i cannot express the depth of my love for these two friends. i’m even feeling the glimmers of love for a handful of other people again, for my projects and my interests.

maybe for myself. i’m still keeping an eye on that one.

this is... i’m letting this feel reassuring. it’s nice to know i can still feel things.

that seems overdramatic i know, but i was starting to get worried.

but its also scary. i dont want this cycle to happen again.

i don’t want to pull anyone into the whirlwind with me. they all deserve better.

sometimes love is confusing. it’s less confusing if you take a step back, and look at it from a distance.

anyway, i’ve always liked getting a little bit lost. it’s fun. and i like the taste of vinegar far more than the things it’s made of.

(i’m butchering the metaphor now; but to be honest thats kinda the point)

i suspect i am a quite confusing person to love. i don’t mean to be.

but maybe thats for the best after all. there are better lovers out there than me.

and distance is not the same as absence. i think they are maybe even opposites. but thats a thesis for another night.

thats all for now. thank you for reading.

<3