I have 4 children aged 4, 3, almost 2, and 19 weeks. Parents are increasingly isolated from each other socially so it’s harder to compare tactics and strategies for caregiving. I want to share a run-down of how my wife and I care for our children and what has seemed to work and what has not.

Toddlers and stochastic terrorism

My mental model for baby & toddler dysregulation is that it’s a noisy analogue circuit but there’s a "sub-clinical noise floor" and as long as all the inputs are in sufficient alignment you stay below that noise floor and the kid is happy & well-behaved.

What are those variables? Depends on the kid. Let me compare my eldest and youngest as babies for you:

19-week old’s parameters:

• Sufficient sleep (daytime naps and night-time)
• Needs a sleep-sack to stay warm for naps/bedtime
• Feedings 4 times a day (8 AM, 12 PM, 4 PM, 8 PM)
• Burping sometimes necessary, especially if feeding stops early
• Social time
• Tummy time
• Fresh air & sunlight

This is all pretty basic and normal for a baby.

Here’s a short list of things my eldest child needed as a newborn/infant in addition to the above:

• The temperature in the room was 1 degree (yes reader, one) fahrenheit too high making him uncomfortable and unable to sleep.
• At ~7 days old he was inconsolable until we took him outside in a light cloth for some sunlight.

Now my eldest is probably on the spectrum like myself, so I think some of the surprisingly specific things that made him upset as a baby had to do with sensory overload. He’s still kinda picky about food sometimes and that seems to tie back to the sensory issues.

Schedules for babies

Our children’s schedule "scaffold" is something like this:

Sleep: Roughly 8 PM to 8 AM, but often they’re put to bed by 7 PM. Our children have been fully sleep-trained at 12, 13, 14, and 19 weeks respectively. I wince when friends invite us over to dinner, not maintaining the schedule can make the next few days chaotic and difficult.

Naps: starts out at 3 naps a day, totaling 4 or more hours per day. Gradually drops down to 2 naps, then 1 afternoon nap. Our eldest (4 y/o) takes afternoon naps occasionally. We’ve managed to deescalate the nap-war with him such that he will ask to take a nap occasionally or naturally have a period of quiescence if not unconsciousness in the afternoon on the couch.

Meals: 3 meals per day, no snacking unless we’re on the road or they’re ill. Babies under the age of 2 are offered formula after every meal. We begin weaning at 6 months with puréed food, usually blueberries, strawberries, coconut oil, odds and ends. We avoid bananas because they can make small children constipated. We do not buy "baby food", it’s either laden with sugar or tastes disgusting or both. We use a small food processor for the purée.

Sports: I take the eldest to his soccer games and practice on Saturdays. I will sometimes take him out for private soccer practice after work on a weekday. Monday mornings my wife or I will take the eldest to swim practice. 3 year old will be starting both of these things soon.

Easier times, hard times

Times when it has been easier to keep the kids well-rested and regulated:

• When all the children were sleep-trained and old enough to maintain a consistent schedule
• Other areas of our life were stable/quiet/undramatic
• Had a good au pair or nanny helping us with the kids

Times when it has been more difficult to keep the kids on a consistent schedule:

• My wife or I are stressed about something and it bled over into the children. Children are like dogs, vibes have a big impact on their mood. You have to develop a great degree of emotional self-discipline to not let acute stress affect your children. They deserve that from you.
• Caregiver churn (outgoing au pair, etc.)
• Inattentive/unkind babysitter (we don’t work with new babysitters any more)
• Keeping the kids up past a naptime or later at night for outings with friends etc.

Deviations from schedule

This is difficult and trade-offs have to be evaluated. I’d prefer that outings which will necessarily disrupt my children’s schedule contribute to their enrichment, be it social, moral, religious, or educational enrichment. This doesn’t mean not spending time with friends but it does mean it’s a lot easier if friends without children visit us as opposed to vice versa.

There’s some amount of hormesis involved in the stress of a disrupted schedule but the kids shouldn’t be on tilt all the time either.

Final thought

Frequently, the dysregulated toddlers I’ve run into are not getting enough naps or being kept on a consistent routine.

Please feel free to hit me up via my email address or on Twitter if there’s anything you’d like me to elaborate on.