For those of you who are living under a rock, Valve announced three new hardware devices joining their Steam Deck line-up: a new controller, a VR headset, and the GameCube—no wait, GabeCube—no wait, Steam Machine. The shiny little cube is undoubtedly Valve’s (second) attempt to break into the console market. This time, it might just work.

The hardware is ready to arrive in at your living room spring next year. The biggest question is: will it arrive at our living room? Reading all the hype has certainly enthused me (e.g. Brendon’s The Steam Machine is the Future, PC Gamer’s Valve is all over ARM, Eurogamer’s Steam Machine preview, ResetEra’s Steam Hardware thread); especially the part where the Machine is just a PC that happens to be tailored towards console gaming. According to Valve, you can install anything you want on it—it’s just SteamOS just like your trusty Deck, meaning you can boot into KDE and totally do your thing. Except that this shiny little cube is six times as powerful. I’m sure Digital Foundry will validate that next year.

Valve’s newly announced Steam Machine: a mysterious looking sleek black box.

However, this post isn’t about specs, expectations, or dreams: it’s about tempering my own enthusiasm. I’d like to tell myself why I don’t really need a Steam Machine. The following list will hopefully make it easier to say no when the buy buttons become available.

• You’re a retro gamer. You don’t need the power of six Steam Decks. To do what, run DOSBox?
• Your TV doesn’t support 4K. Again, no need for those 4K 60 FPS.
• You generally dislike AAA games. With The Steam Machine, you might be able to finally properly run DOOM Eternal and all of the Assassin’s Creed games. That you don’t like playing.
• You don’t have time to play games anyway. Ouch, that hurts but it’s not untrue.
• The TV will be occupied anyway. The Steam Machine is not a Switch: you can’t switch to handheld mode. When are you going to play on the Machine if the TV is being used to watch your wife’s favourite shows?
• You already have too many gaming related hardware pieces. That’ll mean you’ll have to divide your time by an even bigger number to devote an equal amount to playing them.
• There’s no room for yet another nondescript box under the TV. See above: why don’t you first try to do something with that SNES Mini and PlayStation Mini besides letting it collect dust?
• You’re a physical gamer. This is Steam. There will be no insertion of cartridges, no blowing of carts, and no staring at game collections on a shelf.
• It’s Steam, not Good Old Games. Sure it can run GOG games but the Machine is primarily designed to run Steam. You avoid purchasing from Steam like the plague, yet you’re willing to buy a Machine dedicated to it? Are you crazy?
• The last time you booted Steam was over a year ago. Don’t tell me you’re suddenly interested in running the platform on a dedicated machine.
• You don’t have time to fiddle with configuration. Button and trackpad mappings to get the controls just right enough to play strategy games designed to be played with keyboard and mouse will only leave you frustrated.
• Your MacBook can emulate Windows games just fine. You recently bought CrossOver and played Wizordum and older Windows 98/XP stuff on it. It even runs Against The Storm flawlessly. No need for Proton or whatever.
• In two years, you’ll upgrade your M1 to an M4+: there’s the power upgrade. If CrossOver is struggling to run that particular game you so badly want to play, it’ll be buttery smooth in a few years. You’re going to do the laptop upgrade anyway regardless of the Steam Machine.
• You already have a huge gaming backlog. Thanks to your buddy Joel you bought too many physical Switch games that are still waiting to be touched. Are you really ready to open up another can of worms?
• You dislike a digital backlog. It’s easy to have hundreds of games on there: see your GOG purchases. Why don’t you try to count the ones that you actually played, let alone finished.
• You’re not going to use the Machine to run office software. Your laptop and other retro machines are good enough at handling that task. What are you really going to do with this cube besides gaming?
• Those cool looking indie games will be released for Switch in due time anyway. Remember Pizza Tower? It’s out on Switch now. Remember to buy the cart on Fangamer, together with the Anton Blast one.
• It’s rumoured to cost more than €600. Save that money for a Switch 2 if the games are starting to become interesting to justify that upgrade, as currently, they’re not. Also, see the backlog point above.
• All HDMI ports both on the TV and your external monitors are occupied. Unless you’re willing to constantly switch cables, you’ll need to invest in a HDMI switch. Another €100+.
• You can’t buy this without buying the Steam Controller. That’s easily another €80+ you already spent buying the Mobapad controller for your Switch as a replacement for the semi-broken Joy Cons.
• You can’t buy this as an expense on the company. You’re closing down the company, remember. (More on that later)
• The cool looking LED and programmable front display don’t justify an expensive purchase. After the initial excitement wears off, the LED will become annoying and you’ll simply turn it off.

So you see, I don’t really need a Steam Machine…

Fuck it, I’m getting one.

retro steam games