- 11 Nov, 2025 *
Last night in Victoria and I’m in my usual day-before-traveling anxiety spiral. To my credit, I’ve been keeping it under wraps as the folks over here have more than enough to deal with without wondering if I’m going to wig out, but, also, I’m sitting on a cold bathroom floor a handful of minutes midnight typing out a post and not, you know, sleeping.
People who know me best know that I always try to do my best and people who have known me a long time know that I didn’t even really know what my best even was until after I quit drinking and looked at the world with sober eyes for the first time in a quarter century in 2020. As I sit here on this bathroom floor I am thinking of that year, and that decision, and all the decisions that came after it that have led me to, yo…
- 11 Nov, 2025 *
Last night in Victoria and I’m in my usual day-before-traveling anxiety spiral. To my credit, I’ve been keeping it under wraps as the folks over here have more than enough to deal with without wondering if I’m going to wig out, but, also, I’m sitting on a cold bathroom floor a handful of minutes midnight typing out a post and not, you know, sleeping.
People who know me best know that I always try to do my best and people who have known me a long time know that I didn’t even really know what my best even was until after I quit drinking and looked at the world with sober eyes for the first time in a quarter century in 2020. As I sit here on this bathroom floor I am thinking of that year, and that decision, and all the decisions that came after it that have led me to, you guessed it, this cold bathroom floor.
The gist: they were mostly good decisions, and most of the ones that weren’t good decisions didn’t bite me too hard. The things that took chunks out of me? Not making decisions at all, or, rather, the consequences of not makig decisions at all. The lesson, I think, is that intentionality is a good thing, and that if you don’t make decisions someone makes them for you and then you can’t even complain about fucking up because you didn’t even care enough to choose so you can’t get away with whining about the outcome.
My Zoomer bff told me that his generation is afraid of making mistakes for reasons including but not limited to that technology immortalized every mistake, misstep, miscue, and fuckup, or at least had the capacity to. As a result, his generational cohort turned inwards —— and not in a spiritual way.
I don’t mean to make fun of him or of them, and I am most certainly taking some small liberties with what he told me, but when I think about what he told me I get deeply sad. If avoiding mistakes, missteps, miscues, and fuckups is at the heart of how they experience the world, how they do their existence, then how do they learn things they don’t know? How do they get the experiences that shape them? How are they fully alive? Who the fuck even are they?
NB: this seems like it’s critical of Zoomers but it’s actually a point about how a lot of people who look down on or otherwise criticize Zoomers are largely the ones responsible for the world they have retreated from.
I am an imperfect person and I’ve made a hell of a lot of mistakes, but at the end of the day I think I am a better person for those mistakes. I am more fully realized than the person who didn’t leave it all on the field because they didn’t want to get their uniform dirty.
As with the last post here, this is def more of a journal entry than I had anticipated writing, but it is what it is. Tomorrow we fly back to Toronto and my guess is that before too long blog will start to look like what it looked like in September and October.
🌲 gonna sleepy 🌼 go sleeeepy 🌱 touch eepy 🌳 grass eeeeeeeeeep 🌷 now zzzzzzzzz
Be good to yourself.
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