my mind is always chasing something. when i've got it set to something i usually work it through to completion. the thing is though this time it is me it is chasing. i'm trying to understand me. i don't really think i do. i think for a long time i thought i did, and then it became apparent to me i didn't

so what do you do when you're in your 30s and you feel like you have no identity at all. well i'm not really sure. i have hobbies and interests from my past i would like to develop again. they speak to me creatively and i'd like to further separate myself from my technical interests (i don't consider the personal web/blogging to be a technical interest). i know in my heart i am a creative, that pursuing tech as a career was mainly because it was the only thing i knew how to do. i'd not really fostered any of my creative interests. as i worked they were placed aside to rust in a field

so that's the one thing i know i am, a creative. i was never meant to be a programmer, a systems admin, that stuff isn't me. i have interest in those areas, but that's not me as a person. so i have to see where to go from there. i think it will be a lot of exploring. music and writing are two areas i know i enjoy. photography is another one i've enjoyed in the past as well

other parts of me i think i just have to understand with time. i'm in my 30s but at the same time it is kind of like i'm a teenager again. there's a whole me to figure out all over i suppose. i think i can do it. really i have to do it. not understanding myself is an ache that i can't dull. so until i do, i think it will always be there