Pedestrians wait to cross Huntington Avenue Oct. 27. Northeastern University’s Boston student population increased 63.2% since 2013.

The following content is satirical and meant for humorous purposes. It is part of The Huntington News’ recurring satire column, “While Your Ramen Cooks.”

It’s already been two months of school, and I feel like I need a wellness week. Having to juggle my social life with club meetings, classes and multiple assignments due the same day, I am reminded that I actually go to an academically rigorous university. I can really feel Northeastern’stop 50 nationwide position in my bones, literally.

However, I tend to forget that our low acceptance rate is because applying is incredibly easy. Out of 105,092 applications, 5,000 new students are admitted to the Boston campus. Of course, the5% acceptance rate does not include us Global Scholars who are scattered around Northeastern’s global campuses. Adding the new admits to the existing student population, Northeastern’s population rivals that of a small European country.

Similar to a European country, we too have an honorable king, President Joseph E. Aoun, let out of his castle once every blue moon. If you happen to see him, please contact The Huntington News, as our reporters are constantly trying to score an interview with him.

As a result of overcrowding on campus, I have to leave my dorm five minutes earlier than usual to ensure I arrive to class on time. Spoiler alert: I never do. No matter how early you leave, you will meet the unfortunate fate of being swallowed by the mosh pit of slow-walking students with no sense of urgency strolling to their lectures. If you’re a fast walker, I’m sure you spend what feels like an hour stuck in traffic, controlling the urge to just body slam everyone in your way. If your rage gets the best of you, maybe you’ll have the courage to murmur a polite little “excuse me” as you pass by.

Overcrowdedness is also prominent in cafe lines. I believe students also have the determination to stand in line for hours to buy their favorite overpriced Tatte Bakery & Cafe matcha latte. Some days, I’ll even notice how more than 20 overworked and sleep-deprived students form a single semi-circle line around the store, preventing anyone from moving among the crowd. This is not me judging; on the contrary, if I am having a tiring week, I will also stand in a long, incredibly time-consuming line to get myself a sweet treat.

Don’t get me started with Marino Recreation Center, whose crowds make it the modern-day equivalent of a gladiator battle. If you’re lucky to get a hold of any equipment, you better hold onto it tightly — these ferocious gym creatures, fueled by protein powder and Celsius drinks, will not hesitate to pick them up if you leave it unattended for a single second. At least we don’t have to deal with the motivated members of the back-to-school group, who have already decided they prefer the comfort of their own bed and snacks — but they are guaranteed to come back next year.

Another potential side effect of Northeastern’s overcrowding is our unstable Wi-Fi. Northeastern did not consider the impact the number of Apple ecosystems and students with over 10 hours a day of screentime on their phones would have on the internet infrastructure. Our network system might not be working because of individuals posting unhinged comments on Yik Yak without considering that being anonymous is a privilege. I’m just praying for the co-ops working from home on our Wi-Fi, soldiers who constantly battle angry professors who cannot get their presentations on the screen and students who are stuck on the loading screen.

By noticing how proactive our student body can be in slowing people down trying to get to class, I had a revelation: Maybe overcrowding is not a curse but a blessing. If we all manage to agree on something, we are just as powerful as sororities during bid day.

For example, if all of us refresh the Canvas home page at the same time, we could generate enough energy to power our Wi-Fi for an entire week — maybe NUwave would even become self-conscious. Perhaps we could even power our own web service, allowing us to prevent Canvas from collapsing again. Alternatively, I personally benefited from the extra day to complete two midterms.

But first, I propose that to progress as a society, we all need to collectively decide to stop strolling on the sidewalks.

Mora Peusner Dacharry is a second-year international affairs and journalism combined major. She can be reached at [email protected].

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