I wrote not that long ago about the difficulty I was having importing an arm ring from Sweden. I also wrote about how I don't often spend money on unnecessary items but that when I do, I often regret it. This has been one of those times.

I waited more than a month for the arm ring to come and the company finally emailed telling me they were having trouble getting it through US customs. Of course I knew this and was patiently waiting until then to see what would happen. They said they would resend it but didn't and ignored me for a week and more. After that they emailed back saying it was even more difficult for them because of the US government shut down. Around the time they were emailing me, the news was reporting that UPS is planning to destroy and dispose of warehouses full of packages that can't clear customs because they were sent during a period of time when things were rapidly changing and paperwork and fees were not being handled correctly. To be honest, I wouldn't blame the supplier at all for these problems were they not plastering all over their website that they will handle all tariff fees for US customers and that there is nothing to worry about. To their credit, they did eventually re-send the package with priority shipping.

I had resigned to it being lost money a long time ago. I was certain that they had ghosted me when the package suddenly was sent and quickly arrived here. And now that I have it, a new stage of the regret began. The first aspect was that it didn't seem to fit my wrist. Because of the shape and design, it's painful to put on and remove, especially given that when you first try it on, it's not going to fit. And in order to see how it needs to be adjusted (by carefully stablizing the center and bending the arms), you have to put it on and take it off several times. I wore it for a while being a bit tight and thinking I might have to give up on trying to wear it when I finally took it off and after a good couple of fearless bends, the fit was just right. Of course it still hurts to put on and take off but once you know it will fit when you've pushed your wrist through, it's not so bad.

Then there is a follow up stage of the regret, which is of course that this piece is an extremely bold statement and people everywhere you go are going to be drawn to look at it and ask about it. It's not even so much the runes or the valknut but the angular, arrow shaped arms, which are such loud, attention grabbing flair that perhaps some might think only a gay man or a proper fascist would be bold enough to wear them. And that's when it occurs to me that there is a lot of baggage to wear this around. So in order to wear it, you have to be prepared for someone to ask about it.

It's a sequence of names and epithets for the god Odin in Old Norse written with medieval runes. The symbol on the end is the valkut, which is a Norwegian word, knot of the slain, for a symbol that appears on rune stones and burrial sites. Scholors debate its meaning but don't really know. Some say the three triangles represent heaven, hell, and earth; others say it represents the 9 days that Odin hung on the sacred ash tree when he sacrificed himself to himself for knowledge of the runes. The truth is that no one really knows.

Though I like the myths and the sagas and the poems, I do not believe they are true. So it's not religious jewelry precisely but perhaps it's something close to that. Odin gave his eye for knowledge. He killed himself with that knowledge for power. In my life there are many things I've lost that were hard to lose. Friends, family, health, sanity. But there is always a silver lining, something that you gain after the loss that you never had before. And though you're crippled in one way your life improves in another.

Loss and gain are the same thing. To have anything you must sacrifice. And even with this item I have gained, I have lost something to have it. That is why there is a bit of regret that comes with it.

Some say that this symbol (the valknut) is indicative of hateful ideology, and others say that without context you can't really say (since the hateful ideology appropriated the symbol in the first place). Others say that it's okay to wear this but only if you pair it with things like rainbow flags or other signals that you're not the worst kind of evil.

I've yet to see how difficult it will be to wear this around but I certainly won't be prostrating myself and begging others to see me as human.