Absence Blamed On Accursed Relic From Ancient Tomb

Published:

November 10, 2025

CAIRO—Admitting he was unable to face a lengthy session of indexing artifacts after drinking too much the night before, hungover Egyptologist Henry Chapman confirmed Tuesday he was just gonna call in cursed this morning. “Listen, I don’t know what kind of hex was on that canopic jar I opened yesterday, but I’ve got a real doozy of a curse, and it’s probably best I stay home today,” the bleary-eyed Egyptologist said in a phone call to his supervisor, adding that he had heard the divine wrath of the pharaoh Amenhotep III was going around lately. “Whatever I’ve got is giving me bad luck, beetles, pestilence, the works. I wish I could be down there at the tomb with you cataloging all those funerary goods we found, but frankly I’m worried about spreading the curse to everybody else. I’d feel terrible if I ended up giving you guys the plague of scorpions I’m dealing with right now. I don’t wanna get too graphic, but let’s just say I’m finding cobras in a lot of places you don’t want cobras. With any luck, it’s just a 24-hour curse, and I can get back to translating the rest of those hieroglyphics with you tomorrow.” According to sources, Chapman began to suspect he really was cursed after the greasy breakfast sandwich and coconut water he ordered to soothe his hangover were carried off from his kitchen counter by a jackal.

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