The world spins around another day, and so it goes. And so it goes that another year is nearly over. Another chance to make another change and all that was is gone and time flew by me again. And so it goes that I am another year older. I am another year away from where I was. all that was is fading like the view of old towns in my rearview mirror.. I have no ill-will or contempt anymore. Things are fading behind me, which is a life that is gone and growing farther in distance and further from my memory. I am glad this is so

It is amazing when we look back. It is amazing to see how far we’ve come or how time moves, and the year passes without leaving much behind. No messages. No longwinded goodbyes. No unexpected hellos either, which is fine. Weren’t we just here, this time last year? Yes. I suppose we were. And I’m glad i am not where I was because where I was is not where I belong. I knew it and so did the people around me, which I suppose is why we argued as much as we did.

I do not recognize the person I was, this time last year. I am not the same and yet, At the same time, I am still the same. My body has not changed. My place of work and where I lay my head is still the same. I am physically the same specimen. However, I am different now and I have no time or taste for contempt nor do I have the patience to complain. There’s no time to hem and haw about what happens next.

There is no need to circle back anymore. No. Now is the time to move forward. Now is the time to create my plan and to follow through because running off in any direction does not help make changes. No, this only leads to different situations.

I need an edge. I need a new secret to find my endurance. I need food for thought and shelter for the upcoming season. At the same time, I need to keep myself in shape, both mentally and physically, —otherwise, I can lose or subside to the weight of my own feelings or emotions.

I have been talking to you about replacing thoughts with action. And that’s exactly what this is. This is how I learn to communicate, —even if you cannot say anything back or speak with me, I open myself up to be vulnerable here. And I open myself up to both interpretation and misinterpretation here. But all these things are beyond me. And so it goes.

So it goes that my intentions are not the same as someone’s interpretation. So it goes that my will and my intent need to be brought up to speed. Otherwise, I can fall and grow weal or fall beneath the wheels of daily life. My endurance needs to be strong, to which I am unsure if I was ever strong before and nor can I prove that I will ever be strong again. But do or die seems to be the way to go for me. Trying’s dying in my book

Oh, and ah, the perception of youth and the misunderstanding of countless tomorrows. I always swore there would be plenty of time. But I guess these are the fine print worries hat come after procrastination takes place.

Then again, that’s the thing with youth. No one ever expects age to creep up the way it does—and somehow, decades have gone by. My age has changed enough that I receive leaflets in the mail about retirement. What the hell is that all about? I am 2 years away from being considered a “senior citizen,” and I have not fully grown up yet.

I do not want to let go of my youthful self. Now more than ever. I don’t want to let go of my rebellions or give up the fight to be odd or different or to be exceptional. And yes, I want to be gifted. I want to be blessed. I want to be beautiful too. I want more than typical life has in store for me.

Or as it was when I was little and watching Sesame Street: I want more than a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a gallon of milk. I want more than the lazy humdrum of life over 50.

I still have. You know? I still want to dance. I want the music and the lights and the feeling as if dawn or the early moments of first light or the only things that can stop me from dancing the night away.

I never left my post. I never gave up my ranks and I never surrendered my position in this war—only, my fights are much different now. Everything seems to be financial, which is how “they” get you to walk the line because if not, the powers that be will just hit you in the pocket and make you poor.

But I have been poor before. I lost a good amount of money. I lost friends, which I question if they were ever friends to begin with, and to me, the answer to this is apparently not.

Real friends do not run or leave and real friends find you when you’re down and they build you up by any means necessary, —and they tell you things like, “Don’t worry about your back, kid! I got you.”

I suppose we learn and we move, and we constantly grow. We slide backwards and subside and we win and we lose.

So it goes. Such is life.

Suffice to say that I have some marks on my back from the old daggers which have finally been removed or fallen out. Safe to say that I have answered for my sins and my mistakes; and while there are those who want me to pay more, I paid my dues and I’ve earned my seat at the table.

I’ve earned my daily bread. And no one can take this away from me. Not even if I let them.

I am going to end this one here. But before I go – What’s it gonna take is a question that has been with me for a while. And I don’t see this question going away. At least, not any time soon.

For now, all I need are the secrets to my own salvation, the secrets to my endurance, so I can keep this moving, a few walks on the beach, and a trip to maybe someplace warm with white sand beaches and some lazy palm trees. I don’t need much. I just need to keep it simple I need to outline my great escape, come up with a plan, and make it so.

I don’t need to go backwards or lose more to realize that I have lost enough—and, so, if now is the time, then now is the time to work hard, shoot straight, and make things right.

I will end this journal here. But you and I know that nothing between us ends at all. And they never will either.

I’ll be here tomorrow to greet you with something new. Maybe something more primal or more intimate or more beast-like, which is crazy, I know, but sometimes being crazy is fun, and fun feels pretty good

And I like feeling good

Don’t you?