I will do my best to make this opening statement brief.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am here to enter my plea of guilty, not guilty, no contest and to the best of my ability, please allow this to benefit the jury’s deliberation. Therefore, I offer myself as a witness to my own faults and misguidance. I will expose this, both clearly and patiently, so that when the jurors come back as hung and with no decision, —you can all go on with your life and I can go on with mine. We can split now and separate here, if we choose. Or when this is over, we can depart in the spirit of Rudyard Kipling’s 1892 poem, The Ballad of East and West, and we can say that one our deliberation is done and whether the tensions or the wars we fought go settled or otherwise, we can face each other and say “Never the twain shall meet.”

“East is east and west is west,” said Kipling in this poem. And never the twain shall meet. Enemies are enemies. Friends are friends. Family is family. And life is life. And often, either of the above can be both or they can be all at the same time, which is a contradiction, —I understand.

But ladies and gentlemen, family, friends, lovers, strangers, unknowns, and to those who prefer to refrain or refuse and sit with the quarrelsome and hope to keep the fight alive, —I have come to face this so-called hearing. I am ready to face this. Therefore, I am here, not to litigate or negotiate, but to confess and plea or “fess up.”

It’s all the same though, isn’t it? What does the word “sorry” mean anyway? What does it mean to apologize? To be sorry, or to have a “feeling of distress” or to feel pain or sadness and sympathy. Ah, and let’s not forget the word “regret” or to “regret with penitence.” How often is the word “sorry” said with none of the description. How often do people apologize and yet, they neve change or stop their behavior?

“But wait, I said I was sorry!” Eventually the word is like a check with no funds to support its value and thus, your apologies become sorry enough without any worth to mean the word with intention. “It is what it is,” right? Whatever I say or whatever you say can be enough to disagree and argue or call the whole thing off. Or so I suppose. We can fight. We can bicker and argue. We can cut each other with words that are sharper than any scalpel I see what I see, and you see what you see, and life is that simple.

There is no proof that we can look at the world and see the same thing. Even if we are similar or if we stand together in our opinions, we are not the same, you and me. And that’s fine, No, that’s good, I say.

There are people who are only supposed to be temporary. Good or bad, and as painful as it may be to see someone go, everyone and everything has a purpose. Maybe this is all a lesson to find out what it means to have a soulmate or be one . . .

The world needs variations of life. We need variations of spice too to keep life interesting. We need color too. We need the shades of the rainbow. We de3serve this the same as the sky deserves to have variations of colors at sunset or sunrise. Sameness can be good, —taken in moderation, of course. But variation allows us to flower and decorate the world around us.

Foods are intended to have flavor. And some flavors are all to be damned in my book. There are those who cannot stomach the taste of seafood or even the smell. There are meat-eaters and vegetarians, pescatarians, vegans and those who eat with a strict paleo diet.

As for myself, I am a tryer of all things. I will try any food, three times, once.

I know this sounds or maybe reads like a typo, but no. It’s not. I’ll try anything three times, once, because maybe I need to expend my sights or allow my palate the right to adjust to new or good things.

And no, not all new things are good things. And old things are not bad. The point being is my aim here is to realize that we are an explorative bunch and yet, —we tend to limit ourselves and restrict our rights to explore because of our damaged opinions or misperceived facts.

You see, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, which is not said to exclude those who live with other identities; however, not all things are the same. Not all mistakes are the same and some mistakes are more like lessons, in which case; I offer the facts of happy accidents to be entered as Exhibit A And no, maybe a leopard can’t change its spots, —but ways can be changed, so can habits, and life can change and we can be altered and yes; it’s true, people of all kinds can and will improve if they have the desire to do so. And I do.

And while I throw myself at the mercy of the court; I also agree that I have been asking forgiveness, which is crazy enough if we think about it. I am asking forgiveness from those who are supposedly a jury of my peers, which means that yes, we are all equally guilty, and we have all equally sinned. We might not have the same ability to hold ourselves equally accountable. And we might not have the same ability to be equally honest about our crimes against other people. But since I am the one who is volunteering for this trial, then I will leave this here and keep this subjective to me.

No one among us is able to claim a perfect record. And this is not to say that there aren’t bad people in this world. Yes. There are. I know there are bad people in this world I know then all too well.

As for me: Am I guilty? Are you? Are we guilty of the same things? Maybe. Or maybe not.

Do we have faults? Are we a flawed species? In fairness to the question at hand: I am unsure how to answer this. I can say yes, we all have faults. As for flaws, well, —I choose to see this differently.

I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know that I have “loved” ugly people before. I have “loved” people who were otherwise underserving of my love or attention. Admittedly, I have been on the opposite side of this as well. I was loved and underserving.

I use the word “love” or “loved” and put them in quotes, as if it the words themselves were either used or misused and perhaps taken out of context.

The truth is, I don’t know. I know that the word love is a complex thing. And yet, love is simple. We are the ones who fuck it up . . . Love comes in different shades and depths.

I have been told what a man is. And adversely, I have been told what it means to be a woman. At the same time, I have met women who are better men than anyone I have ever met. I have met women who are better fathers and women who are stronger than any man I have ever seen. There are so many great and strong qualities that make you beautiful.

I am told that men are to be stern, hard, and that men are to work and have answers. Or to share my misunderstanding of the word, when I was younger, I thought a real man works hard, eats all the food on his plate and yes, real men drink beer and they drink blackberry brandy in the winter to stay warm.

I am told that men are to be tough and yet; I have seen real men show a delicate side of their spirit, —and rather than fight or scare off the demons and the unwanted crows around them; I have watched valid and strong men show a soft or prideless side of themselves. I have seen this. I watched brave men, upon up, as if to show their strength in humility and modesty, and I have witnessed this happen without the temptation of ego-driven natures or prideful speeches.

I recall a man who I met at construction site. He was an electrician with decades of experience. He was kind and open to suggestions. He listened to input because he never felt threatened by other people. He was comfortable that A) he got the job so there was no need to constantly “prove” himself and B) he was confident enough in his skills and abilities to understand there are different ways to complete a task. He was a true leader and a powerful teammate

He was never boastful. He was always comfortable enough to share the spotlight and point the light on his apprentices and the work they did. He was a teacher. He was a father too, and while it’s been decades since I’ve seen this man, he was a friend to me as well. This man earned more but he understood how to be happy with less.

Happy with less. . .

There was a man who helped me when no one else would. He was someone with a past, and it was a horrible one, at that. This man knew violence, firsthand. He saw death, He saw crime. He saw punishment that not even the movies could create, Yet, he was gentle enough to put is hand on my shoulder and say, “Don’t worry, kid.” He had a tear in his eye for me “I’m going to get you through this!”

He “had it all” a one point. I remember him before he died. No one knew he was sick. Cancer took him within a month. He didn’t want anything at all. He just wanted to take his grandson fishing.

He said he was happier with less. Happier with less.

Forget about status and job titles. Forget about the tough-guy nonsense and bullshit. I’ve met tough people. I am not tough at all (compared to them) Forget about the social draws or “keeping up with the Joneses.” Forget all of this. I asked to be judged with no judgment. And as we go on, I will show that Kipling was right. East is east and west is west and never the twain shall meet. There are things that are not meant to be together. there are things that are as they are. And that’s fine.

I am not here to regain any ground that was lost in the wars of my past. I am not here to get back anything that was forfeited by my own ignorance. I am not here to get back the nose, which I had “cut off” to spite my face.

Lost is lost. East is east. West is west. And me?

I plead guilty, innocent, and no contest, and to assist in our deliberation, please note that whatever you find my guilty of, please remember your own guilt before you condemn me to sentencing.

Ever cheated? Ever lied? Ever hurt someone? Ever been selfish, or self-centered? Ever commit the same sin, yet you point out the flaws of everyone else? Ever do that?

Did you ever take something that didn’t belong to you? Ever look to rationalize what you did when you knew what you did was wrong to begin with? I remember – there is a step in a program which said how we “continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.” This was often confused with step 14 (of a 12-step program) that said continued to take “others” personal inventory, and then “they” were wrong, we promptly admitted it. I hope the jury forgives the anonymity of this special 12 step program. But I do hope that this exposes our quickness to point fingers at others or be quick to “cast the first stone”

I know all about the 7 Deadly’s This of course means the 7 Deadly sins I know all about my just punishments, which I will take as they come. And no one who sentences me has any power over me, had it not been given to you (by me) or above. I know this.

No one wants to be judged. But we are quick like a pistol fighter when it comes to judging others. And I get it. Hurt feelings and sad memories or broken hearts always look to find accountability. So we think and we try to figure what went wrong. We persecut4e and we condemn and we damned people to hell.

But what about us? What about the wrongs we commit? Most people don’t like to be reminded of these things. Do you?

Either way – For now, I think I will allow this deliberation to go without litigating facts. I will not argue my case because for now, my plan is to be happy with less, that is, of course, if less is more –

Because I want more and the truth is so do you

east or west more is more is still more unless you and I can be happy with less

you think?