By Miklós Vámos. Translated by Ági Bori.

“Good day, Lajos.”

“I kiss your hand, Olga.”

“What brings you here?”

“I thought I’d drop in.”

“Come in. Pista is not home yet, but he should be here any moment. Have a seat and wait for him.”

“Yesss. To be honest, I didn’t come to see Pista.”

“Well?”

“Umm.”

“To see me?”

“Yes.”

“I understand.”

“No, I think you don’t yet understand. You can’t understand.”

“Why are you being so mysterious, Lajos?”

“Because I’m not sure how to start.”

“It depends on what you want to start.”

“I…”

“Would you like a cup of coffee?”

“No. Yes. Not really. Would it be possible for us to do something just for tonight? Please don’t misunderstand! But I’d like to ask you for one thing.”

“What?”

“Let’s talk as if we were old friends! It would be much easier that way.”

“What?”

“Olga, I feel slightly abashed.”

“I can see that.”

“Please let me talk to you as if we were old friends!”

“Of course, go ahead, if you want to.”

“But then could you also use informal language with me?”

“Sure. Spit it out, my dear Lajos.”

“All right. But please be patient, because this will take a while!”

“I’m patient, but Pista could come home any minute, and then you’ll have to stop midway, because he’ll demand dinner at once. You know how he is.”

“No, Pista won’t come home.”

“Did something happen to him? Lajos, tell me the truth, don’t beat around the bush!”

“There is nothing wrong with him, you misunderstand me. Sit back down, and stop worrying. Everything is perfectly fine with Pista. Well, not exactly.”

“You’re driving me crazy! Tell me, did he get into a car accident?”

“Far from it! You can rest assured that we’re not talking about an accident or anything of that sort. Just listen patiently because it’s complicated and so hard to do like this… I told Pista he should do it, but you know how stubborn he is.”

“Go ahead, for heaven’s sake, start talking!”

“All right. Are you sitting comfortably?”

“Lajos!”

“As you know, Pista has been a little bit nervous lately.”

“I know. If anyone knows this, it’s me.”

“Now, you must have also heard about his psychiatric treatment. Ever since he’s been going to a psychiatrist, it seems that…”

“Pista? Seeing a psychiatrist? You’re kidding me.”

“I’m not kidding. This is serious. I thought you knew about it. Something had to be done before… He’s a total wreck, you can barely recognize him, he’s always melancholy, annoyed, he has no patience for anything and constantly complains that…”

“He’s lost his zest for life.”

“Yes. This is some kind of mental thingamajig. When we worked together at the lab… Of course, you might’ve not heard that I also left the lab.”

“Really?”

“It’s been a year and a half already.”

“And why?”

“Hold on, first things first. I could tell that something was eating away at him, and I was concerned for him. I didn’t want him to cause any trouble, you have to be in your right mind with high temperature boilers, and he was always wandering around aimlessly. He didn’t pay attention to anything. Hence, troubles began.”

“What troubles?”

“You know, when he squirted the manager with the soda siphon. Or when he wanted to report him because we were operating a polymer injection molding machine, despite the fact that the research institute is not allowed to engage in such ancillary production at the expense of professional work. Or when he broke a load of Erlenmeyer flasks. Didn’t he tell you?”

“No.”

“I thought he did.”

“Go on.”

“The situation gradually became worse, and it often happened that he called in sick, and didn’t even show up at the lab. The boss was losing his mind, demanded a doctor’s note, Pista brought notes from the psychiatrist, but that only added fuel to the fire, the boss refused to understand that this mental thingamajig is an illness too, although you don’t have to take to the bed when you have it and, unfortunately, the local doctor didn’t write a note, so all hell broke loose. That Pista is being erratic, that it’s not okay to stay at home simply because someone is in a bad mood when, in fact, half the country could use that excuse to call in sick. Fine, Pista said, I won’t argue about it. And from then on, he kept going to work, but he didn’t lift a finger, everything fell out of his hands, and he confused the materials. But the biggest problem was that the gossip mill went into overdrive, and people began to whisper behind his back. Rumors circulated that he drinks.”

“Pista? He’s an inveterate anti-alcoholic.”

“It doesn’t matter. If they want to pick on someone, it’s always this. That he drinks, and…”

“Hmm?”

“I’m not the one saying this, I’m just quoting others. They say that he’s into men. Also, that he’s a spy for the Interior Ministry.”

“Pista?”

“Yes. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t even hear me out. He said he didn’t want me to save him, because he’s fed up with those who want to lift his spirits, and if he did feel the need for someone like that, well, that’s what psychiatrists are for. That’s when he told me he’s seeing Dr. Berényi, to whom he’s been referred by the Kincses family. Dr. Berényi suggested that he should make a lifestyle change, because he has a so-called achievement complex. In other words, by the age of forty he has accomplished everything he could, a nice apartment, a car, a summer home, a wife, children, appreciation in the field of science, and the problem is that he has no more goals left, and therefore he has nothing to fight for. So, he must make some changes, swap apartments with someone, or God-knows-what, because once he finds himself in a new environment, he’ll then have a lot of things to keep him busy, such as moving, organizing, and so on, he’ll have lots of small goals, since he has no more big goals left and, as they say, many a little makes a mickle.”

“Aha! That’s why we had to move here from downtown, to this prairie in Hidegkút! Great.”

“I thought you two talked this over.”

“Come on, do you think it’s possible for the two of us to talk anything over? You know how he is!”

“Well, he’s a bit stubborn.”

“A* bit *stubborn!”

“His plan was to putz around in the garden, plant a hedge, and build a rose arbor.”

“A rose arbor! Look out the window. The weeds are waist-high.”

“Yes, he told me the garden didn’t quite pan out, because it doesn’t hold his attention, no matter how he tri—”

“He tried my ass! His enthusiasm lasted only for three days, then he never went outside again. We hired a gardener but, unfortunately, he stole everything he could, including the garbage bucket, so I had no choice but to fire him, and we’ve had no help since then.”

“Next, he got the idea to buy a large western car, so he could tinker with it.”

“The Impala! Don’t even mention it! He took it apart and couldn’t put it back together, but he was too embarrassed to admit it, so the car just stood in the garage for months with its insides removed. We had it fixed, but then he did something to it again, and it was never the same after that, it constantly broke down, it wouldn’t start in the morning, we had to go to work by taxi, all the while that damn thing kept getting rustier, and we could hardly get rid of it!”

“That’s exactly why he left the lab, because he said there was nothing else he could change in his life, and perhaps he might be more excited about work at a new place.”

“Hah! How brilliant! He was respected in the lab, he could work in his area of expertise, yet he decided to quit and go to the Oil Research Institute, though even the smell of cooking oil makes him faint, and now he’s sitting at a desk in the middle of the city center, doing research from there, looking for oil under the fertile soil of the Great Alföld.”

“Research work should not be imagined that way. It is indeed possible to do at a desk.”

“Don’t you dare come to his defense! Don’t defend him! I still don’t understand where you’re going with your story.”

“You promised to be patient. If you pressure me, I can’t do it. I can’t do it like that.”

“I’ll be as silent as the grave.”

“Now you’re mocking me.”

“I’m not mocking you. Go on.”

“Lately I can’t find my place at all, I’m always irritable and listless, and the same thing came over me that came over Pista, though it’s out of the question that these mental thingamajigs are contagious. I also visited Dr. Berényi, which, of course, was money thrown out the window, because he obviously told me the same thing he told Pista, namely that I needed to make some changes. I sold my Zhiguli and replaced it with a Dacia, then we swapped apartments with someone and moved to the Zugló district, and lastly, I quit my job at the lab and now I work at Pannónia, a small producer co-op. If you recall, I was the one who got you flowerbeds for your garden. Sadly, none of the changes made a difference at all, then one day Pista and I bumped into each other on the street, we went to a nearby café, and…”

“And?”

“We discussed things in detail. What he did and I did, that we both made changes to our circumstances, but it was all in vain. Then came the idea. I mean it came to Pista, because he’s the one who brought it up, it’s his brainchild.”

“Brought what up?”

“That we need to swap.”

“Meaning?”

“Don’t be mad at me, it was his idea, and there was no way of talking him out of it, you know how stubborn he is, he said it would solve both our problems, because this would be a real change, and it’s a pity he didn’t think of it until now. You know what I mean?”

“It’s as clear as day. Wife swap.”

“Now Pista is sitting at our place, I mean at Vica’s place. I told him it can’t be done like this, but he kept insisting, this indeed is the only way, let’s do it, let’s plunge headfirst into it, he demanded that I come here right away, and even spend the night here. I told him that you would not agree to it and asked him to let me at least bring my pajamas and toothbrush, but he wouldn’t. You know how he is.”

“I do.”

“Well, what do you say?”

“Hahaha.”

“Hmm. Are you laughing at me?”

“No. I just imagined the look on your Vica’s face when Pista barged in on her.”

“Barged in on her? Perhaps you shouldn’t put it that way. I’d like to make a call.”

“What is it? Did you get scared?”

“Don’t pick on me.”

“The phone is on the shelf.”

“Actually, forget it.”

“Suit yourself.”

“Well, what now?”

—

“Lajos, darling! Did you bring these for me?”

“Of course I did.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? I wanted to make you happy.”

“Thank you very much. You’re sweet. I like white roses.”

“I know. Put a pinch of salt in the water to make them last longer.”

“Pista never brought me flowers without a reason. Only on birthdays, name days, International Women’s Day, Mother’s Day, and whenever he felt a pang of guilt. For example, when he cheated on me!”

“Olga!”

“Why? This does happen between partners in a marriage.”

“We’re not even married.”

“But we’ve been living together for three months. That’s more than just a fling.”

“That’s for sure.”

“Why, haven’t you ever cheated on Vica?”

“Only rarely.”

“See? There is nothing extraordinary about it. Three months is a long time.”

“Are you trying to imply something?”

“Good gracious, no! Do you think I’d fess up?”

“Hmm.”

“I can’t even joke with you, because you take everything seriously. With Pista, on the other hand, it was impossible to tell when he was being silly, or when he was talking seriously.”

“Stop constantly comparing me to Pista!”

“Why? The scale tips in your favor. First of all, you don’t snore. You can’t even imagine the sounds your friend makes every night. Listen up: krrrhrrrbrrrzrrrsssss. Something like this, but much louder. In addition, he tosses and turns, he lies diagonally on the bed, he’d pin me against the wall, and by the time morning rolled around, I used to feel as if I were just a sticker on the wallpaper.”

“At our place we don’t, I mean, we didn’t have the bed flush against the wall.”

“Oh, we tried to move it too, but then Pista pushed me off the bed. Vica must be spending her nights on the rug.”

“Leave Vica out of it.”

“Sorry. Honestly, I hit the jackpot with you, especially compared to your friend. I made a good trade. Because Pista never lifted a finger at home, he usually plopped himself into an armchair and demanded his dinner, shouting at the top of his lungs. But you do the grocery shopping, wash the dishes, you’re an excellent cook, you study with the girls, bring me flowers and, last but not least, you serve me breakfast in bed. I remember that back in my childhood I always prayed to get sick, so that I wouldn’t have to go to school, because then I could sleep in until ten, and my mother would bring me a tray with hot chocolate and a butter croissant with red currant jam.”

“Would you like hot chocolate instead of coffee?”

“Definitely not, I can’t pull myself together without coffee. You’re very kind. Let’s just stick to coffee.”

“Perhaps we could get red currant jam somewhere.”

“There is no way. It’s no longer popular.”

“What if we made some?”

“You’re a doll. It’s not worth it. It’s pure nostalgia.”

“As you wish. I’d like to fulfill all your wishes.”

“Vice versa.”

“That makes me happy.”

“And?”

“What do you mean: and?”

“Are you satisfied with me?”

“Of course.”

“But why? Tell me in great detail. I mean, you did love Vica.”

“I did love her. That’s why I married her. Vica is a lovely woman indeed, I have nothing bad to say about her, she’s got lots of good qualities, but it was exactly that perfectionism of hers that annoyed me a bit in the long run. If I arrived home a little tipsy, she was never mad at me, she ran a bath for me, and brought me a cold compress. She always understood me, let me do anything, but something was missing from her. It was almost as if she were a perfect machine. You’re totally different.”

“How? How? Please, shower me with compliments, it feels so good to hear them.”

“I can talk to you about anything, and you give me strength, you inspire me. You know what I mean?”

“Is that all?”

“Plus you’re pretty, not knock-kneed, though it never bothered me that Vica was. You don’t color your hair, you don’t use lipstick or facial powder, but there is something I’ve been meaning to ask you. If possible, don’t sprinkle talcum powder on the tiles in the bathroom, because we step in it and leave footprints all over the house, and the rugs have white stains on them, so please be careful.”

“Fine, I’ll be careful. Please, tell me right away if anything bothers you, and I’ll happily adapt to your needs.”

“There is no need to adapt. As long as the talcum powder is not all over the floor, we’re good. Or if it is, please sweep it up. I’ll be sure to put the small broom under the sink. I know it falls on the tiles when you’re powdering your thighs.”

“You’re blushing!”

“No, I’m just really hot, the heat is on high.”

“You’re blushing, and don’t even try to deny it! You’re like a little boy. In the sack, too.”

“What about the sack?”

“Your friend Pista always used to shove me under him so roughly that sometimes

I thought if I resisted, he’d rape me. You, on the other hand, do it gently, slowly, and tenderly.”

“Does that bother you? Do you want me to…”

“No, I don’t! I just said that I love your tenderness.”

“I was afraid in the beginning, because… Ah, this is awkward, let’s just drop it.”

“Let’s not drop it! You can talk to me about anything. Go ahead, and tell me!”

“Well, I saw him once on Palatinus Beach, it was a long time ago, when we were still university students. So, Pista is well endowed, and mine is, well…”

“Quality over quantity.”

“You mean it feels good to be with me?”

“Of course!”

“Better than, hmm, with Pista?”

“It’s completely different. Let’s not talk about Pista, you’re the one who told me not to compare, and you were right. Anyway, I’ll go give the girls a bath.”

“Would you like me to do it?”

“No, just relax. Read the newspaper, or watch TV.”

“You know that I hate watching TV. It’s chewing gum for the eyes! And I already flipped through the newspaper in the other room.”

“Then come, let’s do it together.”

“At home, I mean, at Vica’s place, it was also my job to give the kids a bath. I like to watch them splash about.”

“Pista will be here on Saturday to bring your boys, and he’ll take the girls. Think of a fun program.”

“There is a József Bolgár graphic arts exhibition in the Kunsthalle.”

“You know how I feel about art exhibitions.”

“I know, I know. But ever since my boys were little, I’ve been taking them to all sorts of interesting exhibitions, for them paintings are just as much part of Sundays as fried chicken. I’d love for you to join us!”

“Fine. Though I appreciate fried chicken more.”

“We’ll get to that too. At Chimney Sweepers.”

“Chimney Sweepers again!”

“It’s a lousy place, but unfortunately there is nothing else near Kunsthalle.”

“That’s okay, we can get in the car and go elsewhere.”

“Do you want to rot in the car on Sunday, too? I thought we could take the subway. And then walk in the park after lunch. Fresh air is healthy.”

“Yes.”

“You don’t want to?”

“I do. Yes.”

“Good. Get the girls’ pajamas ready, and I’ll run the bathwater.”

“Run it, my dear Lajos. But first give me a kiss.”

“There you go.”

“Not like that! A good one.”

“Mmmm. Let’s hurry, it’s already quarter to eight. The children must be in bed no later than half past eight. You never pay attention to that, and sometimes you put them to bed earlier, sometimes later, plus they always coax you to let them keep the lights on a bit longer. This is not right. They have to get used to order.”

“You’re right. I’ll be careful. Please remind me in the evenings, because my watch is always off.”

“We’ll have it fixed. Give it to me, and I’ll take care of it.”

“It’s so nice that you always think of everything.”

“I try to.”

—

“Lajos!”

“Greetings.”

“What time is it?”

“Perhaps you could start with a hello!”

“You promised to be home by five thirty. It’s quarter past nine!”

“Yes. Don’t shout. Why are you shouting?”

“Lajos, you drank.”

“I sure did.”

“You reek of alcohol.”

“I sure do.”

“But we had plans to go to the theater. Did you forget?”

“Olga, you know very well that I am the kind of person who never forgets anything. Things simply turned out this way tonight.”

“Great. And why didn’t you call?”

“I didn’t have a phone.”

“Here I was, dressed to the nines, I even took the girls over to my mother’s place.”

“To your mother!”

“Why are you saying it so sarcastically? Where else would I take them?”

“Dinner?”

“Lajos, for heaven’s sake, you were supposed to…”

“It turned out that I couldn’t make it to the grocery store today. Fortunately, we have some canned food in the pantry, so you can warm up a green pea stew with sliced meat. Hurry, because I am hungry like a wolf.”

“Hah! Green pea stew with sliced meat. What you deserve is a slap across the face!”

“That’s the last thing I need. I’m already in a bad mood. Um. Before I forget, give me six hundred forints, I borrowed that much from someone, and tomorrow I have to pay it back.”

“Lajos! You got paid today!”

“Aha. Yes. No, I didn’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“Those who do not work shall not eat. Or get paid.”

“Let me see your employment record book.”

“Here you go. If you trust a piece of paper more than you trust me.”

“So, it looks like you left the small co-op two months ago.”

“I sure did.”

“Would you be kind enough to tell me why?”

“Of course. Because I simply had enough.”

“Enough of what?”

“Enough of everything. When that happens, it’s necessary to make a change, and that’s what I came up with.”

“You’ve lost your mind!”

“Wait a sec! It’s easy for you to throw words around. But I have the blues.”

“Again?”

“Unfortunately, it returns from time to time. Pista, too.”

“What’s with Pista?”

“He has the blues, too.”

“Did you two meet up?

“Yes. We were trying to find a way out together.”

“My dear Lajos, why did you keep this a secret, why didn’t you tell me honestly?

I might have been able to help. I thought you trusted me.”

“I didn’t want to scare you, and I was hoping that it would go away on its own.”

“It has never gone away on its own. Last time we bought new furniture, remember, we roamed the furniture stores for days, and when the wall unit and the sofa set were finally delivered, you felt better right away.”

“Yes, for a few weeks. But then everything started all over again. Pista also said that material things don’t really help. Swapping them out is in vain, because we quickly get used to new pieces, so all that work is pointless. In addition, it’s costly.”

“That’s for sure. We have a mortgage of thirty thousand forints. Twelve hundred a month! I wouldn’t care, if only we were making any headway in paying it off. Tell me, how can I help? What else could I possibly do?”

“Of course, this is when you’re going to tell me that I lack nothing, I have a car, a house, a summer home, a wife who greets me with a kiss, etcetera, so why am I whining, why am I shedding tears in the land of milk and honey, instead of frolicking on its grounds, lots of people would be envious of me, oh, please, I know this broken record by heart.”

“Please, Lajos, when did I ever say such a thing? I very much understand that there are moments in a person’s life when their mood is a bit off.”

“You just think you understand. But you don’t have a clue. Just wait until it happens to you. But I would never wish this upon you!”

“It’s maddening that doctors are still groping in the dark in the realm of the psyche. Meanwhile, feeling like this has become an epidemic! Here we are, at the end of the twentieth century, at the threshold of the atomic age, and all they can utter is that you need to make some lifestyle changes. Ridiculous! What other changes could be made, for goodness’ sake?”

“Well, according to Pista…”

“Pista! We’ve seen how valuable his ingenious ideas are.”

“Why? After all, we owe it to him that the two of us are now together.”

“That, for sure.”

“Maybe you’ve already regretted it?”

“Heck no, Pista or you, same difference, you two are in the same shoes, Vica didn’t make a better swap than me either.”

“As a matter of fact, Vica is much more understanding. She has agreed to something.”

“Lajos! What are you hiding from me? Spit it out!”

“Only if you promise to listen to me patiently from the beginning to the end.”

“Oh, boy.”

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing. I’m all ears.”

“But don’t stress!”

“Who, me? I’ve never felt calmer. The stage is yours.”

“Pista said that since we’ve already decided to do a swap, we shouldn’t stop halfway.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning we have to move forward.”

“I don’t understand.”

“For example, he and Vica agreed that they are going to swap their children. I mean my sons. The sons Vica and I have together.”

“How?”

“They have an acquaintance, a certain Gábor Gedeon, he’s in a similar situation as Pista, he’s also had a nervous breakdown, he started to make changes, just like we did, but of course it was all in vain, anyway, the Gedeons have two preschool-age girls, and that’s how the idea came to be. Pista, in exchange for the school-age boys, will receive two preschool-age girls, now that’s a substantial change, and it will surely help. That’s all there is to it.”

“You’re pulling my leg.”

“No, I’m not!”

“It’s no use trying to make me believe this nonsense. Vica would never agree to it.”

“But they already took the boys over to the Gedeons, along with their clothes, toys, books, basically all their belongings and, in exchange, Pista and Vica received the little girls, they’re so cute, I saw them, Kati and Csilla, they have golden blonde hair.”

“Golden blonde? Did you say golden blonde?”

“Why are you so upset? I’m simply telling you what happened.”

“Come now, you can’t possibly expect me to…”

“I don’t expect you to do anything. You asked, and now you’re yelling.”

“Oy! Oy!”

“Do you feel sick?”

“No. It’s just that my head hurts a bit. It doesn’t matter. What else?”

“Nothing else. Except that Pista and Vica are in the middle of negotiations with the Gedeons, wondering if they should swap mothers-in-law too, namely Vica’s mother, with whom Pista can’t get along at all, truth be told, not even God himself could get along with her, I’ve witnessed it firsthand, trust me, I’m as gentle as a lamb, but it’s impossible to reason with that crazy old bat. Mrs. Gedeon’s mother immediately agreed to the swap, because she hates Mr. Gedeon, but finds Pista likable, and therefore…”

“What a stroke of genius!”

“It’s easy to mock this. But you should see how good this change was for Pista. You wouldn’t even recognize him.”

“Outwardly or inwardly?”

“Both. It’s impossible to have a serious conversation with you.”

“Why? Did I say I was against it? There are lots of problems with the girls, they’re rude, they talk back, they throw their toys all over the house, they scream, they fight, and my nerves are no longer made of steel either, so it’s about time that we made some changes. We’ll find two school-age boys, twins, if possible, and we’ll arrange something. This will be the best solution.”

“So, you have no objection to it?”

“Not at all. I’m not the spoiler of anything bad.”

“Anything bad?”

“It was a slip of the tongue. We’ll swap the girls, and that’s it. The only thing is, I have no idea how to do it. Should we place an ad in the paper?”

“An ad in the paper? No, you can’t do this with strangers. It can only be done on a friendly basis, within our circle of acquaintances. Or would you be able to throw your girls into the arms of the first stranger? We have to ask around. I’m sure we’ll find the right partners to swap with.”

“I hope so.”

“I’ll take care of everything, stay calm. Leave it to me!”

“Of course, my dear Lajos. I’ll leave it to you. Who else would I leave it to?”

“So, we swapped the children, then my father, my older sister, Olga’s mother and half-sibling.”

“We got lucky with the new children, although we couldn’t get twins, which is what I wanted originally, but Zoli and Vili bring us a lot of joy, they’re both straight-A students, Zoli fences, Vili takes art classes, they’re polite, nice, humble, and golden blond.”

“It’s especially beneficial that they’re twelve and fourteen years old, this means we’ve gained about a decade, given that the girls are that much younger than the boys, so my sons will be nearly adults by the time I’m fifty, they’ll be fully independent, and before I turn into an old man, grandkids will be on the way, which will be another fundamental change in my life, and change is always beneficial.”

“The new grandmother also worked out well, though we did lose sixteen years with her, because she is that much older than my mother, but she’s in excellent shape and could easily get away with saying she is ten years younger than her actual age.”

“My new father is peculiar, he’s retired, he’s always out fishing, sometimes I go with him and look at the water, which calms the nerves, at least that’s what they say.”

“Regarding our own siblings, there is nothing to complain about them either. I’ve always wanted a brother, and now this wish came true as well. Lajos also swapped his older sister for a man. My new brother-in-law is handsome, he’s thirty-seven years old, single, and an architect.”

“So, things worked themselves out nicely, and I thought that mental thingamajig would never return.”

“One night my brother-in-law stopped by when Lajos wasn’t home and, yes, I decided to swap out Lajos, and the brother-in-law stayed. But that turned out to be a bad deal, because it soon came to light that he was more interested in pubs and prostitutes than in me, and I was just about to tell him to take a hike but, unfortunately, he beat me to it, and swapped me for a female lab worker.”

“For three weeks straight I was on a business trip in Bulgaria, Olga didn’t come to the airport to pick me up, I got into a taxi, came home, rang the doorbell, and a strange man opened the door, he told me that Olga didn’t live here anymore, though she did live with him for a few days, but then he swapped Olga with his boss for a voluptuous redhead, he invited me in, long story short, the swap was worth it, the red-head was gorgeous, she looked like an actress and had gigantic breasts, that’s all fine, I said, but where is Olga, and where are my sons, they gave me the address, I went there, but the man had already passed Olga to a lawyer, and that’s when I lost the thread, because the picture framer to whom the lawyer sent me knew nothing about her, there seemed to be a misunderstanding.”

“The lawyer was a misunderstanding on my part, so I quickly moved on, the exporter seemed like a good deal, but he has two adult sons, whom I swapped for a teenage girl and a bed-ridden grandmother.”

“I didn’t know what to do, I looked for Pista, but it came to light that Vica had already traded him for a car mechanic a long time ago, who then eventually got rid of her in exchange for a preschool teacher, all of which I learned from the preschool teacher, a really sweet woman who offered me some cognac, and I stayed with her because she said she’s been planning to swap out the car mechanic who snores terribly loudly. On the other hand, I don’t snore, and I am thoroughly domesticated, and I bring breakfast to bed, which is hugely beneficial.”

“Ultimately, I ended up among a bunch of strangers, and I don’t know anyone anymore, and things got a bit confusing.”

“And faces are flying back and forth, it’s not worth remembering anyone’s name, but it is for sure that I don’t have any mental problems.”

“Because there is always some change, something new that keeps me busy.”

“I never get nervous, on the contrary, I’m always calm, and I feel like I’ve been replaced.”

“As if I were not even myself, but…”

“Someone else!”

Miklós Vámos; photograph by Stekovics Gáspár.

**ABOUT THE AUTHOR **Miklós Vámos is a Hungarian writer who has had over forty books published, many of them in multiple languages. He is the recipient of numerous literary accolades, including the 2016 Prima Primissima Award, one of the most prestigious awards in Hungary. His most successful book is The Book of Fathers, which has been translated into nearly thirty languages. His ancestors on his father’s side were Jews who perished in the Holocaust. Fortunately, his father—a member of a penitentiary march battalion—survived. Out of the five thousand Hungarian Jews sent off to their deaths late in World War II, only seven came back. His father was one of them. Vámos was raised in Socialist Hungary unaware he was a Jew. In an effort to save himself from his chaotic heritage, he turned to writing novels. His selected writings have appeared in Apofenie, Asymptote, the Forward, Hungarian Literature Online, the New York Times, and Tablet, among others.

**ABOUT THE TRANSLATOR **Ági Bori originally hails from Hungary, and she has lived in the United States for more than thirty years. A decade ago, she decided to try her hand at translating and discovered she loved it. She is a fierce advocate for bringing more translated books to anglophone readers. In addition to translating between Hungarian and English, her favorite activity is reading Russian short stories in the original. Her translations and writings are available or forthcoming in 3:AM, Apofenie, Asymptote, The Baffler, B O D Y, The Forward, Hopscotch Translation, Hungarian Literature Online, the Los Angeles Review, Litro Magazine, MAYDAY, Northwest Review, Points in Case, The Rumpus, Tablet, Trafika Europe, and elsewhere. She is a translation editor at the Los Angeles Review.

Share