A reader writes:

In my free time, I love going to this nightclub by my apartment building. They have parties monthly based on different eras such as the 80s, 90s, and the 2000s. In the past year, I have gone to three 2000s parties, and the guests attending are supposed to wear things that represent fashion trends from that decade. All three times, I wore a pair of those ultra low-rise jeans that were so in back then and paired that with a visible thong (whale tail) as this was a trend back then as well. Well, all three times, the photographer at the club asked me to pose for a photo and I agreed. The photos were posted on their website.

I’m not sure how, but somehow HR at my work has found the photos. They called me into their office, showed me the photos, and wrote me up for “behavior that puts the company in a bad light,” as she said. I asked the director of HR if she was sure she was able to do this and she said that at the last management meeting it was discussed and the photos were shown to the management team before this action was taken. She also told me that the write-up and photos would go in my file and that I was not allowed to have a visible thong outside of work.

I have a huge problem with all of this and cannot believe that this has happened. I have had so many thoughts about this: (1) Why was the entire management team, including the men, shown photos of my underwear? (2) Why can I not show my thong at these parties if I want to? (3) Is a visible thong at a nightclub even a big deal or am I crazy? Have they seen what other women wear? (4) Can they write me up for this? (5) How do I get the photos removed from my file? I really don’t want future managers/directors and HR to see my underwear in my employee file for the rest of my time at this workplace!

You aren’t allowed to have a visible thong outside of work?

What?!

Your management has gone feral.

I don’t know where to begin, but I guess here: how do they think anyone who sees the photos — or the thong — are going to associate you with your company? Do you have a highly visible, public-facing job? If you do … well, I can imagine jobs where “hey, being photographed this way is at odds with the serious public image you need to project for this role” (like if you were an aide to a conservative politician or a spokesperson for, I don’t know, an anti-thong organization or something). Even then, though, the right response would be a conversation explaining that, not a “write-up,” which is juvenile at the best of times. And assuming nothing like that’s in play, this is ridiculous.

As for what you can do … a very small number states, including New York and California, do ban employers from interfering in your private, lawful activities outside of work, but in most states this would be legal (as long as your employer isn’t applying it unevenly to men and women; they’d need to also prohibit men’s underwear from showing in their off hours).

But you can certainly try pushing back. Frame it this way: “I understand you’re concerned that photos of me outside of work could be connected to the company and you don’t want photos on the internet that could reflect poorly on the organization. If that’s a policy that’s applied evenly in the organization and to others in similar roles, I will of course abide by it, but I’m not comfortable having photos of my underwear in my personnel file and am requesting that they be removed.” There’s a possibility they might say that if you aren’t comfortable with people seeing photos of your underwear, you should realize they’re available on the internet — to which you can respond, “That is different than actively storing them in my personnel file where future managers definitely will come across them. It’s inappropriate for the company go out of its way to store photos of an employee in her underwear, so again I’m asking that they be removed.”

Frankly, I’d also like you to push back on the “not allowed to have a visible thong outside of work” part of this — photos aside — because it’s absurd, but unless you are solidly committed to building a long-term career at this place, it’s likely more trouble to take on than it will be worth. (Although if you want to take it on just on principle, I’d fully support that.)

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